Yes, Suzanne…you’re still Invisible!

Just before my mom died, well I guess a good year to fourteen months before she died; they’d found that she had colon cancer! When she had her surgery in September of 2001, I was there for her. We’d been on bad terms for a number of years because I had confronted my parent’s re: a number of things that they had done to me as a child growing up in their home, that I felt were abusive. Later on, when I went to get help for anxiety, depression & Anorexia Nervosa; The Dr.’s validated my feelings and then some! My mother’s own youngest brother (my Uncle) called and spoke to my Dr. and validated everything I’d told them, and more!
That’s another story for another day…..For today, I wanted to talk about the day of her surgery and how she had to choose one person to stay with her prior to surgery. She chose me! My heart was so very happy! My father,my mother’s older sister, & my 2 older brothers were all furious! They all had to wait for about 2 hours during her pre-op, out in a visitors/family waiting room. I had the nicest two hours that I can ever remember having with my mother that day. We talked about life in general and “girlie” stuff that we never really talked about before. It was a good bonding time that I’ll never forget.
Even though my father, two brothers and my Aunt all treated me horribly that day. It’s still a day that I won’t forget. It was time well spent feeling closer to my mother than ever before! Just for the record, my dad and brother’s made fun of me, taunted me about “Anorexia, dieting,food etc…” They even forced me by teasing me incessantly, to eat french fries smothered in cheese and then dipped in a Chili and Ranch sauce!! After all of those years of them teasing me,calling me “Fat”, taping pictures of cows on the mirrors in my bedroom, and writing “Fatso” on pictures and putting the pictures up on display for all to see on the front of their refrigerator! NOW they wanted to tease me about being “too thin”..& told me that I “should eat ranch fries and chili dogs” as they rubbed their obese stomach’s!
Well somehow none of that mattered so much on that particular day, because “I” got to spend those quality time hours with my mother! So after her surgery, we kept trying to keep things “patched up” for the most part. My youngest daughter had even had been given some flowers after winning a Highland Dance competition. She wanted to stop at my parents home and give her flowers to her “Nuna”. But When we arrived and saw that my middle older brother was there visiting with his two kids and also my oldest brother and his then wife of 12 years; were all there visiting…then my daughter didn’t want to go inside. She begged to stay in the car and for me to just go up to the door and offer Nuna the flowers. (**you see, my middle older brother was the one that was and is most abusive towards me, He also was charged with “molesting his daughter when she was 3 years old! He also was diagnosed as having ” Bi-Polar disorder!” He would not take the Lithium prescribed for him because our mother told him that It made him”fat” and he “looked like a Buddha”! My oldest brother had been cheating on his wife and everyone knew everything but pretended that it wasn’t so! )… So I just went up to the door with the flowers from my daughter and told them we just wanted to drop them off for Nuna!
In the few moments that I was inside their back door, my brother’s made crude remarks about my “lack of largeness of certain “women” body parts! Also then to follow that, was my 10 year old nephew laughing so hard about what his Uncle and father had just teased his Auntie about! I was mortified! I quickly left and my sweet husband drove us home safely while I told them what had transpired! They were all angry and upset and hurt for me! When at home, I called my dad to tell him how appalled I was at the things he allowed my brothers to still say to me after all of these years! My fathers response was ” yes, I’ll have a talk with them to let them know that their timing was off! Since your mother just had surgery” I told him that He “just didn’t get it..and that what they said TO ME WAS WRONG!!!! Not the timing!!! I was furious again…as usual!
Well, needless to say I / we didn’t see my family much during that year either, though we made a valiant effort again at the time of mom’s surgery. When she went through her chemo therapy, I wasn’t there for her! For one thing, any time I would ask where a procedure was or what time it would be, my dad would tell me lies or just tell me that my mom “didn’t want me there! So sometimes I’d find out on my own that she was hospitalized and I would just show up ! I would get yelled at and called names and so i just stopped! But then I was called a “bad daughter for not being there for her mother! No matter what I ever did or did not do, I could not please them!
Then in August 2002, My husband and I were in a bad car accident! Luckily my daughters weren’t in the car with us and luckily my husband wasn’t injured. I was injured badly with multiple lower back,neck,head,bi-lateral knees and shoulders injuries,…and more! I had to go to TBI rehab for three years! i have had several surgeries, including: both knees, shoulders, face, had a permanent pacemaker and more! I had to have two titanium screws put into my shoulder and the pacemaker does 60% of the work for my heart! Now after all of that, I had a heart attack then in 2005 & a CVA or stroke in 2006! My family was called from the hospital about how injured I was and they cared nothing about it or me! They scolded me for “not being there for my mom during her chemo therapy time”!
Just three months after our MVA, my mother died from complications of colon cancer and I also believe from her hidden lifetime of abusing laxatives and suffering from eating disorders!
My father and brothers treated me worse than the scum under the bathroom sink, from that day and forward through even today. When I found out that my mom was sick and dying in the hospital, I found out from my Uncle, not my father or brothers! I was in a wheelchair from my injuries and when I’d get to the hospital, my brothers would block the doorway to my mom’s room. They wouldn’t allow my husband anyplace but the hallway! He knew what they were/are so he did it for “me”. He took me each day for the next ten days that she was alive. At first she was still awake and more lucid. I would sing “You’ll Be In My Heart” to her and I would whisper in her ear. I told her that ” I loved her and that I knew it wasn’t her fault. The last thing she said to me was “I love you infinity”! I knew that she meant she was sorry for hurting me growing up…I told her that “I love her infinity” too! She turned to my girls and told them that she”loved them infinity too! We all cried because those were the last real words we heard her say.
She was in and out of sleep mostly and it was the week of Christmas! On December 22nd, at 9:00 am, we got a phone call from my father. He told me that my mom had died at about 4:00 am! Yes… They all had time with her, they had her body taken away and already cremated…then they called me!
I should have known and somehow inside, I knew they enjoyed hurting me more! I was crying and since my father, ex sis-in-law, and both brothers were together crying, I thought this a good time to put all things aside and grieve together as a family. Then my father actually said “NO”, that I couldn’t come over to his house and grieve together with my family! I was so hurt that my EX sister in law was there but I was not allowed. They all “hate me” because I am the truth bearer. I spoke up and confronted them about the abuse I endured growing up. Actually, I’m still trying to deal with it. But since they lie, deny and get pleasure from my pain, I cannot make it stop and so I am forced to stay away!
Just recently as this Summer, 2012, my hubby and I saw my father and his girlfriend at the free concert in the park three times! Oh….and…by the way when I tried to introduce myself to her ( his now 3rd one! ..He re-married only months after my mom died and she divorced him only a year later. She even wrote to me and told me that she “always believed in me but every time she tried to stick up for me/defend me; my dad & bothers got verbally and horribly abusive towards her. Later, she wrote to me as I’ve said, and she told me that my “father never speaks the truth and does not know what “truth” is”!!! FINALLY SOMEONE BESIDES A PSYCHOLOGIST/& Dr’s believe me!) again…when I tried to introduce myself to this lady, outdoors on the patio of a coffee shop; she just looked right through me as if I was some kind of “monster”. She gave me a most horrifying,nasty look and then she walked the long way around the table and away from the coffee shop! Now…that behavior coming from a person who’s never ever met me nor even been in the same room or space as me…ever! Of course I Cried, especially then when I saw my own father come out of that coffee shop looking for her; and when he got a cell phone call from her, he looked up and over, then saw her and quickly walked by me without even a nod or 2nd look!
The next time that I saw him was at my Aunt Vera’s funeral. When my cousin’s husband was finished with the Eulogy he said “does anyone have anything else that they want to say before I close”? Well I’d seen my dad crying and then clenching his jaw when my cousin’s husband, Paul, was saying very kind things about my husband and especially me! He said that I “am an Angel to their family, for helping with my Aunt with her hair,nails and for taking her to church theater and out to concerts in the park and for ice cream!” Also he liked that we frequently visited her and I even used to decorate her door for each new holiday! (Well…I did that until my father butt in and went over to her apartment and took down all of the decorations that I’d so painstakingly put up for her)! When I saw my dad crying and after hearing my other cousin, Aunt Vera’s son, tell me that when my father arrived he’d told him that he “didn’t want to ever see me or speak to me again especially not that day! So to be kind at my father’s sister’s funeral, I went up and gave him a hug and he actually hugged me back and the cousin who had given the Eulogy, said out loud “I do believe a miracle has happened here today!” Well…after that, on the same day, my dad shook Craig’s hand ( my hubby) & told him “thank you for taking care of Suzanne all of these years”! I quickly explained that my husband and I “take care of” each other! No one “takes care of me and though I’m disabled, I’m not unable! That day at the cemetery he took pictures and he even “forced” me to be in his pictures! But then, the very next time that I saw him about 10 months later, at the free concerts in the park; he snubbed me and shook his head ” NO!!!” While walking right in front of us on the sidewalk, with his little “friend”! The people next to us were so appalled and said ” honey, was that your father?” (Because I had yelled out “Dad!!..Dad!!”).. I was crying, and said “yes…and my parents were and have been abusive for my whole life and I tried to confront them and they hate me for it forever! She said that was despicable behavior for a father and I should be glad to be rid of him! Well the next time we saw the two of them at the next concert in the park, I tried agaIn and said “hi” and was totally ignored. The final and third time, I walked right up to him, as he/they were sitting in lawn chairs, and I hugged him lightly by the shoulders and I said “I love you and I forgive you!” He said nothing but shrugged me off..once again! I do understand though…because at my Aunts funeral “people were there,family was watching”! At the park, only his girlfriend was there and she didn’t go to my Aunts funeral. She never got to hear anyone say kind and nice things about me…dang!!! She only hears the lies and twisted stories told to her! Well, it’s his/their loss..because anyone who truly tries to get to know me, knows that I am a good and kind Christian person!
I guess I’ll end this blog today, by sharing that I have gotten a couple of text messages from my oldest brother, lately. He said “Merry Christmas” and then “Happy New Year”! I wrote back a kind and short response saying the same to him. Then I decided to tell him about my upcoming heart surgery on Feb19,2013! I don’t know why I expected him or any of them to care? They’ve not cared or helped or shown any kind of normal loving responses since my MVA 8-11-02! They don’t like me, don’t love me and never have! It’s always been about them! They just lie, deny and get pleasure from my pain! My cousin even told me as much! I somehow always knew and always felt it! I knew that “if” I ever “told”, I would lose their fake, overbearing, bullying, teasing, hurtful and vulgar “kind of love”! Well, I even have lost my oldest daughter to their “need” to hurt me. Instead of helping me to keep her a “good girl” …they “egged her on to hurt me/us”, gave her excuses and covered for and helped her along in those behaviors! They’ve even gone so far as to befriend my ex., who was found “Guilty” by a jury, of hurting another girl besides me and after me! At first, during the divorce, my dad was helping and even got his BFF to write a letter to the F.O.C. Stating that he’d witnessed my husband being abusive towards me!!! But now, I’m “a liar” and they all are horribly abusive and mean to me!!! It’s hard having several chronic pain issues. Having RSD/CRPS, along with Atrial fib and Dysautonomia/POTS/NCS , degenerative disc disease and much more but too much to go into to here today! But I will say that I then had a heart attack and a year later I had a true CVA or stroke and they continue to be mean, hateful, hurtful etc…and I just leave them alone! I mentioned to my oldest brother on that text message, that I’m having heart surgery on February 19th and none of my family cares! They’ve not been there for me through any of my pain or surgeries or anything since my MVA in 2002, I thank God daily for those who have been there for me; my darling husband of 16 years now, and my great friends!!! Thank you ….love, Suz