I have another story for you…these are not going to be in any particular order..just the “order of the day”; or whatever I feel like writing about on any certain day but always about how the past and what has happened, has changed me for the better and who I am today. I was thinking tonight about my mom this past weekend. My mom was not the “Lovey dovey” type of personality. She would move her face away from me and make a sideways sort of contorted facial expression whenever I tried to give her a hug or kiss.
I was just thinking about a “list” that I had made for my “book”, while I was writing it. I have a list of many things that my mother and/or my father and/or my brother’s have said to me while I was growing up in the same household with them. I would like to share that list here, because I guess I just want people to know what kinds of things I grew up hearing and how I did NOT let these things change the kind of Mother I wanted to be. I was still a kind, gentle, “lovey dovey” kind of “mommy” that I had always wanted to be!. I have tried really hard to not do or say any of the negative or Psychologically damaging things to my girls that were done or said to me growing up. Here are some of the things that I remember, that were said to me:
1) my name is “Suzanne” and I was called “Stupzanne” when mom, dad or brother(s) felt like calling me that instead of my real name.
2) when I was lying on the floor watching TV,my mom said that my rear end looked like “Mount Vesuvious” (the largest mountain meaning my backside was “fat” and “large”)
3) When calling me to come for some reason, my mom or dad or brother’s would call me like one would call a “Pig” and they’d say “SOOEY” instead of “Suzanne” or “Suzy”.
4) My older middle brother got away with saying many degrading remarks about my private parts while growing up. He said that I should “just use band aids because I didn’t need a bra” (I was only in 7th grade!).
5) My mother told me that she “wishes I would have died instead of my baby sister, Lisa Marie (who was stillborn at 8 mos)”
6) My mother said that my baby sister, Lisa, who was stillborn, would have “been prettier than me, smarter than me and she’d have given me a run for my money with the boys”….she “would’ve been a nurse and not done “stupid sign language” too!
7) My mom told my middle older brother that it was “his fault that she was sick, with a blood disease. Because she got Peritonitis or blood poisoning when he was born and she needed a blood transfusion. She was supposedly given “bad blood” and she was then sick for the rest of her life. She always blamed my middle older brother and always told him it was “his fault she was sick”.
8) I had to get weighed every Saturday as I was growing up. If I gained weight, I was punished and if I lost weight, I would get some kind of “prize”. As I got older and didn’t like doing it..my father would weigh me and they got my brothers helped “hold me down” because I didn’t like it!
9) My dad’s work “GM” had a yearly annual Christmas party that I used to be very excited about going to. It was the highlight of my year and I got to see “Santa” come in on an airplane and attend this big holiday party. If I had a cold sore, I wasn’t allowed go because I wasn’t “perfect” looking. I would embarrass my dad and my parent’s wouldn’t allow me to go. Also, if they felt I was too overweight (which I never was nor have I ever been when living in their house, not ever!)…then I also had to either wear a long jacket type “blazer” to cover my “fat a–“, or I wasn’t allowed to go at all!
10) when I went to a modeling agency audition at age 18 yrs; my dad went with me and he embarrassed me by telling the people that “she’ll lose 10 to 15 lbs before the day you need her”!! UGGHH…I was so embarrassed! I was only 120 lbs and 5ft 5 1/2 ” tall!
11) when I asked my dad “why do you want me to be so perfect, skinny etc?” He told me that “you were born perfect and your mother and I just want you to stay that way”!
12) When my husband now of 15 years, first met my middle older brother for the very first time…I had warned him that my brother was “really odd, weird, strange and you never know what would come out of his mouth” (later he was diagnosed with Bi–polar disorder and given Lithium, but it made him gain weight and my mom called him names and called him “Buddha” so he stopped taking it)…but my brother, when first meeting my husband for the very first time, shook his hand and said “doesn’t my sister have nice brea–s?” He was shocked and I was so upset…I ran into my parents house and *(my brother was outside their home washing his car over there because he lived in an apartment) I told my mother what my brother had just said to my then “boyfriend” and she just told me that I “wear my feelings on my sleeves” and that I “take things too seriously” and that “Da–d is just being funny and he didn’t mean anything”! They always stuck up for the brothers over me!
13) My parents thought I was looking quite “fat” in my pretty angora type cowel neck sweater one night while I was waiting to go out on a date and I still lived at their home. I was about 20 years old or possibly 19 yrs old. My mom took a Polaroid picture of me and my dad got out the camera and may have even snapped the picture but under “orders” from my mom. Then my mom used a Yellow Permanent Marker and wrote “FATSO” on the bottom of the picture and put that photo up on their refrigerator! THAT exact picture was still in our family photo album in 2002, the year that she died from colon cancer. I saw it as I looked through mom’s photo albums. I wanted it and tried to take it but she wouldn’t let me have it!
24 ) I had my forearms held so tightly just weeks before I got married and was still living at home at age 20. My dad held them so tightly because he was angry with me for stating emphatically that I was “going to eat a large pizza on their front lawn as soon as I got married..because I wasn’t allowed to eat pizza at home. I fought with my dad and was bruised badly on my forearms while fighting him because of what I said about eating pizza.
25) At age 16, I was 5 feet 5 1/2 inches tall and 128 pounds! I was very athletic being a cheerleader and doing aerobics etc.. my parents sat me down and told me they were going to pay for me to go to “Elaine Powers Figure Salon, because I was too fat and If I couldn’t wear a size 5 anymore, I wasn’t getting anymore clothes from them”. *they took things away as I gained weight and gave things to me as I lost weight…everything was “conditional” on weight loss.*
26)..my mom told me that McDonald’s “Happy Meals” was made from “Horse meat” so we never ate there until I was almost out of the house and then they laughed and said that they “made it up so I wouldn’t want to eat it and get fatter”! So then we ordered it to eat at home a couple of times but my parents would only allow me to get a “Happy meal” and my mom would then eat most of my french fries so I “wouldn’t get fatter”!
27) my mom told me that I was a “picky eater” and I was just a young girl and she said that I didnt like chocolate so I believed her. But then I found a box of “King-Dons” or as they were called back then “Ding Dong’s, chocolate cupcakes” in our refrigerator drawer on the bottom. I tasted one and I loved it! It was so yummy! I told my mom “yes, I do like these chocolate cupcake things”….she had hid them so I couldn’t find them and would just blindly believe her that I didn’t like them!!
28) Girls were not allowed to be “big” at all. Boys could be “big” but girls had to be “small”. I always wanted a whole sandwich for lunch to take to school. But my mom would always only allow me to have 1/2 sandwich. Because I was a “girl”, I was only allowed 1/2 of a sandwich.
**When I was given food at a birthday party or some kind of event as a child; I had to come home and be “cleansed”. I was put in the middle of the dining room floor on a wooden child’s rocker. A shower curtain was put down on the floor underneath me and all around the floor near my chair. I was given a bucket to hold and then I was forced to take a couple tablespoon’s of “syrup of Ipecac” and then forced also to drink several glasses of water. Then I was forced to sit there until I violently vomited all of the food that was in my stomach. This was their way of keeping me from getting “fat”!!
29) There’s more….wait……When I was 13 years old, I had come home from school. I was in the 8th grade. I asked my mom if I could go ice skating with a couple of friends. She said “no” and I felt like there was no good reason or explanation or anything. Yes, I admit that though I was a “good girl”, I could be a bit on the sassy side. I told her that I was “going to call my father and ask him”..even though he was at work! She grabbed the phone out of my hand and hit me down hard on my left elbow. I screamed in pain and tried to run away to my room. She ran after me punching me in the temples, the head, face etc. I had a split lip and was bleeding, crouched down behind my bedroom door; with my hands trying to cover my face while she was punching me with her knuckles. I could hear my oldest brother yelling to me “cover your temples!” Mom was yelling for the boys to “lock the doors”, so I could not get out of the house to “tell” anyone. I finally got out because my oldest older brother unlocked the doors and I ran to the lady across the street’s home; where I used to babysit. She let me call my father at work. My father came home and took me to the hospital. On the way to the emergency room, my dad said “your mom’s sick and it’s not her fault. You must tell the hospital ER that you fell down the stairs! If you tell then she could go to jail and she’s sick and she’d never make it. Our family would be split up and you could be sent to foster care and be split up from us and you could get raped or anything!!!
Inside myself, I was seething and hurting and angry. Oh how I wanted to tell on her for hurting me! I wanted the Dr’s and nurses to ask me “what happened?” Nobody ever asked me what happened. I came home with a “hairline fracture to my left elbow”; to my mother being angry with ME!???? My dad said for me to just go straight to my brother’s room and lay down on my oldest brothers bed and he’d get me some ice for my elbow. I had a sling on my elbow and my mother never said she was sorry!
UNTIL…..later on….when my daughters were probably about 10 yrs and 12 1/2 yrs old; we were sitting at my mom and dads’ kitchen table. My mom said “I know your mom tells everyone that I “broke her elbow”, but she was a “sassy teenager and she deserved it”!! She did say she “didn’t mean to BREAK it”…but still??? It’s just not right!
30) One last thing for today, that I remember is when I was 16 yrs. old and I wanted to talk with my friends on the telephone. My mother was sick, depressed and in bed most of the time. She was in a darkened room, said she “hated people, hated everyone and wanted to kill the person who invented getting up in the morning!” I was being very quiet trying to unplug the phone in their room and plug it into my own room to talk with my friends. I must have made too much noise, even though I know in my heart I was trying to be super quiet! She yelled at me and said “get out of my f–king bedroom or I’m gonna blow your fu–ing head off”!!! I couldn’t believe she said these things to me, her own daughter! That wasn’t the first or only time she said she was going to “kill me”. She’s pulled my dad’s gun out on me and my older middle brother a few times. We even ran down the street and hung out until my father got home!
31) When my older middle brother was accused and charged with “molesting his then 3 yr old daughter”, my mother said that his little sweet 3 yr old girl was “the devil’s child”. She also said that “if she puts my son in jail during the trial, I will put a bullet through her head and her mother’s head…and a few other people too!
These are just a few of the things I was told and a few of the memories that I have inside that want to come out. I was told by the people at SSDI AND by my Psychologist, that I am the “worst case of childhood abuse/trauma, they’d seen in the past 35 yrs!” This is why I suffer from PTSD, the Dr’s have told me. It’s also why I do have some “fear” of foods and why I have CKDII….and have a disdain for water and will not drink it.
I want you to know that I’ve forgiven my mother. She passed away on December 22, 2002; 3 months after our car accident and all of my injuries, pain and surgeries. She called for me to come to the hospital and she said “I love you infinity”. I told her that it was OK and that I loved her too. I went every day that she was in the hospital for those last 10 days of her life. I sang in her ear “You’ll be in my heart”. I told her that “it was OK and I forgave her and loved her”. She could only move her feet by then, but I knew that she loved me the best way she knew how and the best she could. I think that this is more than enough for today!