Mothers & Daughters

Whenever I receive Private emails that start out mean or have any mean tone are deleted immediately and I truly have no desire or wondering in my mind about what they said before I deleted them! I also never open unknown named emails … So I am going to continue writing and reading here because I’ve met some of the most kind, caring & loving people on here! I’ve learned empathy for others far worse off than me and Ive gained much knowledge and many new friends here as well…
I only speak the truth, I’ve lost my whole biological family for speaking the truth. I’ve even lost friends … because although I wouldn’t say or do anything to purposely hurt someone , Some have sided with my family. I can take the truth as well as I want to speak the truth. If someone is getting hurt, and even if its me I won’t ever hurt feelings or hurt anyone in any way on purpose, by just being truthful or by saying something sarcastic or hurtful.
Anyways, I don’t know what brought that up but we are heading into “Mothers day” this weekend! My heart is so broken! My mother is dead and has been since 2002-Dec 22nd. My oldest daughter has estranged herself from me and us since she was graduated from HS. Only about 7 weeks after we’d had a graduation party for her! She went off with a boy who sold illegal substances , let alone was doing them and she was too! I tried to be a good mother! She was with an 18 yr old boy in 10th grade & I won’t go into details, but in trying to be a good mother, I grounded her from Homecoming that year and for a month at home. She could have friends over but she couldn’t go out for a month! For what she was doing, I thought that wasn’t even harsh! I wrote this boys mother a letter telling her to keep her 18 yr old son away from my 161/2 yr old daughter!” (*this boy had been removed from the cheer team at the HS & sent home from a Florida cheer contest event for smoking/selling pot!)… Sooo this mother then read my letter at his graduation party and everyone “made fun of me & laughed at me”, my oldest daughter told me!! She was there…at that party ..laughing at me too! She told me this afterwards. Anyways so much has happened since I confronted my parents re:the physical, verbal, emotional abuse ! My father & brothers treat me horribly abusive and I even have an ex sister in law who took the side of my abusers! But I feel she’s been abused also! If even just verbally, those scars can hurt very deeply!
Anyways ….I have no mom, I have lost my oldest daughter completely! As its been since 2004, when she left home. She married in Oct 2009! This would have been my first “Mothers Day” as a “Grandmother”! I dont get to meet, now almost 6mos old, “Olivia Lauren” or hold her or know her. I’ll tell you one thing for sure… I know that I would be the very best of grandmothers! I tried to be the very best mother I could be with what I was handed in life! I was guilty of giving too much attention and not saying “No” enough.. But I did say it when it counted for sure! Whenever I did say “No”, it counted or when/if it was harmful at all!
I wonder in 15 1/2 yrs from now when her daughter comes to her and asks for “permission” to do what my daughter wanted me to give her permission to do…..will my daughter say “yes” ..”it’s OK to do illegal & immoral things”!?? Will my daughters husband say to his daughter when she’s 16 yrs. old, “don’t worry if you get pregnant, we will adopt the baby”?????… I wonder? That’s what my ex husband (*her own father & his new wife …who had no stakes in the deal either way…said to her!) I really lost my daughter while trying to be a good mother!
Anyways this ordeal has caused me to literally have a “broken heart” , according to my Cardiologists! They saw me with my daughters as they were growing up. They saw the 3 of us and a very huge kind of love that we had together! It got lost somehow due to illegal and immoral behaviors on her part ; that I was just trying to end !! I am in chronic pain 24/7 and I suffer and have been diagnosed by several specialists with “full body RSD/CRPS” .. I’ve had 2 heart surgeries including two pacemakers! I have atrial fibrillation and I had a heart attack in 2005 & a CVA in 2006 with residual effects still. I have my youngest daughter and my husband, who have stuck by my side. I have good friends and a couple that are like “sisters” to me! I thank God for all of them every day! I pray for my abusers each day! I pray that one day I’ll open my door and be surprised to see my oldest daughter and my granddaughter standing there! But lovingly…and not with the past looming !!
Mothers day has been so hard for so long! I remember my 1st one…I was 9 months pregnant. My father dropped by our apt for about 10 mins. My then husband was at work all that day, I was home alone and could not drive; because of how close It was to my due date! My father brought me a hanging plant as a “gift ” he said “from my mom”… I asked him “why didn’t mom come ?” He told me she “was embarrassed of me.., because I was so huge and fat!” I was mortified and cried for the rest of that day!! I cried because I felt ugly, fat, hateful, disgusting, useless and just plain ugly; when I should’ve been able to feel healthy, proud, excited and happy!!
I remember as mom was dying of cancer, my dad was carrying around a cloth bag with what they said was “over 300 cards from friends & family”! He said my mother was a “saint”. He made a shrine out of her ashes and an urn, flowers and candles ! They were married 50 years!
My dad turned around and was dating within 6 months and re-married within a year! He was divorced a year or so after that! I remember how he spoke terribly of my mom. Now, I alwAys only said what truths happened to me at her hands and their hands, but I never said disrespectful things or hateful lies about her! After saying she was literally a “saint” and carrying around “proof” of how well she and they were loved somehow by the number of well wishers cards; he then told his new wife how “horrible life was with my mom”! He spoke to her of how he was “verbally bashed and abused” by my mom, his wife of 50 years!!! Yet when I said it, I was called a horrible liar and punished greatly! (But I said it about both of them!)…
He told “Nina”, his new wife of one year or so, all of that after what he had said about me, what he’d called me, how he’s treated me since then and after the “altar” he made or the shrine he had set up for her….When he met Nina, he tossed my mother’s ashes in the St Clair River and got rid of the shrine!!! But not before making a few “ashes” holding necklaces for us!! Very creepy & eerie…!!
Soo When he and Nina divorced, or I should say when she divorced him because he literally “does not know what the truth is!!” She wrote to me and explained this to me! She also told me that she “always believed me but when shed stick up for me, my dad and brothers would verbally abuse her”!! The letter is below!
Anyways, these are my thoughts on thus “Mothers day” weekend ahead! I am very thankful for my youngest daughter and my wonderful husband and friends! I’m also thankful this year for “Luna”, our little white cat!! My beautiful and unconditionally loving feline!





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