Sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to write, but so much has happened and I wouldn’t even know where to begin. But today I’ve decided to write something about those Malignant Narcissist Abusers and a little bit about Emotional “Vampires”. You may notice people in your own life that are similar to those I will describe. You may live with one or hopefully you have gotten away from that kind or those kinds of personality disordered people in your own life.
One example of an emotional “Vampire” is the person who takes advantage of a good person, a good friend. They are the one who will ask a favor but then they take much more than what you thought you had bargained for. For example, when my niece had her baby and he was about 3 months old, she asked us to babysit. She was going to use her income tax check to get her hair colored for fun. We were really excited to watch the baby for a few hours. She dropped off the baby, two bottles and a diaper bag and then told us she’d be back right after her hair appt. We got the baby about 9:00 am for her 10:00 am hair color time. When the baby was dropped off, I noticed that there was only one change of clothes and I was hoping for the best. We got a big surprise in the first hour and found out that this little guy had the flu. He had a fever and was vomiting and had diarrhea. He went through the one outfit and we washed the other one and then washed that one again and again and again. I had to send my husband up to the store because we didn’t have enough diapers or wipes and he had a nasty diaper rash too. Poor little guy was not happy and I felt so bad for him. But I figured that we can do anything for a couple of hours, right?
Lunch time came and went and then about 12:30pm we packed up the car seat and the baby because she wasn’t answering her cell phone. Luckily I asked the name of the Hair Salon and we drove to there with the baby in tow. We arrived at the Salon and my niece was still in the chair and had hi-lites and color and cut , blow dry etc. She looked great and I asked her if she was ready for the baby? I was not mean or mad or angry or even upset in the least. On the inside, I did feel a bit taken advantage of, since we had to buy diapers, wipes and thermometer etc for the baby and she didn’t tell us that he was sick. He was really sick, too…not just a cold. So we got the car seat and the baby out and brought him inside and she got angry with me/us. She said “Oh my God, why did you bring him here? I was going to go out to lunch with “*(baby daddy’s name) and then I was going to come and get him.” I told her that she’ d told us a “couple of hours” and that was over 4 hours prior to this time that we arrived at the Salon. We waited for her to finish and then her baby’s daddy came and he seemed genuinely happy to see his son. He was happy to take him and bring him to lunch with the two of them. I did try to tell them that he was sick, but that wasn’t a priority. Then I saw a look on the Hairstylist face, that appeared to be a cross between bewilderment and anger. After 4 hours in the chair, my niece had not even given the girl a tip!! It was $100.00 for the services and thats what she had and what she gave the stylist. I felt so bad for the stylist that I actually gave her a $10.00 tip. I know it wasn’t much, but I didnt get the services and I was trying to at least give her something for her time. I felt bad for her, but what else can I do? My niece never asked me to babysit again and she was angry that I’d brought the baby to the salon, even though we waited until she was finished, and that was another hour or so! We didn’t get home until after 2:00 pm and we’d started that babysitting endeavor at about 9:00 am. I should probably let you know that I am a chronic pain patient as well. I was in a car accident in 2002, and suffered many injuries and much pain; also 12 surgeries. My husband was home with me, luckily; but still it was a very long time for someone in pain to babysit. Especially when we’d expected it to be only for about 2 hours or so.
I always tried to be kind to my niece and whenever we went shopping or to lunch or anything, I would buy her lunch and even offered to always buy her a new top or something. I enjoy giving and being kind, it’s just part of who I am. We don’t have any extra money, but I still enjoy doing things that put a smile on someone’s face. That same niece got angry with me for talking to her baby’s daddy about a personal family “story”, that could impact his son’s life. I wanted to talk to him and after I did it, my niece called and said some pretty horrible things to me. She told me “I wish you’d just die from your RSD or whatever it’s called!!!!” Then she said “You’re the worst Aunt in the whole world and I hate you and wish you would die”! Needless to say that was several years ago and I’ve never spoken to her again and have no desire to have her as part of our lives. She’s into behaviors that are neither legal nor moral. I like to stay away from that kind of thing. Her boyfriend then told me that I “had issues”, instead of believing me. Now I have court documents, newspaper articles and ways to prove what I say beyond a shadow of a doubt; but people who are Malignant Naricissist’s don’t care about anything except what they want to believe. As long as they can put you down and try to make you feel insignificant, they are then happy. Do you know that just a couple of Holidays ago, she actually called me and asked me if I’d call and give her my mother’s recipe for her holiday fruitcake? What the heck??? Who does that??? Well, after reading about Malignant Narcissist’s and people with that and other personality disorders, you’ll understand that those are the kind of people who treat others as “less than a human being, and still want something from them.”
There are Malignant Narcissists and there are Emotional Vampires. The differences are minimal but the Narcissist’s are more dangerous to your daily life. The worst kind of Emotional Vampire ‘s are the “antisocial types”. The use people to get whatever it is that they want in life, at that moment. They will charm you to get what they want but the moment that you do anything they dislike, they will eat you alive! Emotional Vampires who are the “antisocial personality’ are most likely to be involved in illegal behaviors. There are variations such as the ones that do in fact engage in illegal behaviors, and then there are the other end of the spectrum, the ones that act like grown up teens and they are into “bad” behaviors or self destructive things. Oh and “antisocial” does not mean that they don’t like to be around people or partying. They love parties for what they can get out of it. They usually are “loners” who distrust most people and they are soley motivated for self interest, selfishness and predatory behaviors. They are pretty much missing that little “voice” in our heads that tells us to stop and not do something bad or hurtful or illegal. They also don’t like being told what to do , they are bored easily with routine and they love to take advantage of others and throw temper tantrums to get their own way.
What you need to do is listen to your inner voice and recognize emotionally draining people before they suck the life out of you. If you feel that something isn’t right, then chances are it’s not.
Those who are emotional vampires and those who are Malignant Narcissist’s, genuinely seem to share many of the same personality traits. If you would like a list of things to look for in a Malignant Narcissist, I have found that list for you. I will put my sources at the end of this blog writing today. People who are symptomatic of Narcissistic Personality disorder have some of the following traits:
1. A grandiose sense of self importance (shown as an exaggeration of talents and being superior to others).
2. Is obsessed with him or herself.
3. Goals are almost always selfish and self motivated.
4. Has trouble with normal, healthy relationships
5. Becomes furious if criticized
6. Has fantasies of unbound success, power, intelligence, love and beauty.
7. Believes that they are “special” & only hang out with other high status or “special” people.
8. Requires extreme admiration for everything.
9. Feels entitled
10. Takes advantage of others to further their own needs
11. Has ZERO empathy- **cannot (will not) recognize the feelings of others.
12. Is envious of others or believe others are envious of them.
13. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily.
I grew up in a Narcissistic household and Malignant Narcissist’s who have children, open their kids up to much damage and child abuse. They are almost always possessively close to their children when they are small. Their kids bring them some kind of sick self esteem. When the children become more independant, the parent then feels jealous of the child.
M.N.’s abuse their children in many different ways but their are certain times in which they can be kind. This makes it very hard, very confusing for the children of the Malignant Narcissisist abuser. The child grows up knowing that one wrong move means that all will or can go “wrong” and the M.N. parent can fly into a rage. Children like this grow up like I did, to feel that my feelings are or were: invalid, unimportant and just don’t matter. I learned to hide those feelings when I was very young to try and keep peace in the house. I learned that when my parents were kind, there were strings attached. “GUILT” was one of the biggest “strings” that came with any kindness or gift. A feeling of owing the parent is common and then the child feels conditional love. I was also taught that I was a “dumb girl” and that I had no “common sense” and many other demoralizing comments and ideas. This is part of “infantilization”. The adult M.N. parents keep their child somewhat or all together “dependant” on them this way. They also keep the siblings separate so they cannot learn to work things out together. They like to be the ‘in between” person who controls how the information gets through and told.
One of the other big things that a Malignant Narcissistic parent does to their children is that they use lies to make the child feel “crazy”. For example, I remember my own mother telling me that “if her father says that black is white, then it is”. That ‘s just how it went in her home growing up, she said she liked it and that her dad was better than my own dad and she’d always “pick her own father” over her husband “even if a train was coming”. I thought that was pretty mean, but I never questioned it. I grew up learning that my grandfather was “magic” and he could “make things happen” ! Also, I learned that if he indeed said “black is white”, then I was supposed to believe it also! I even wrote a paper about my maternal grandfather being my “hero” in elementary school. I mean…if you are taught that someone you love is “magic”…wouldn’t that make them your hero? Then I found the real newspaper clipping about the car/train accident that almost killed my aunt when she was 4 yrs. old.
The story was told through the generations, that my grandfather was a hero and he somehow inadvertently hit a train with his car. Or more on the correct side of the story, the train couldn’t stop and it hit his car. The car with his pregnant wife (*pregnant with my mother 6 mos) and 2 children about 4 and 3 years old in the back seat. The story goes on that my grandfather was a hero in that the train conductor would not back up the train to get my aunt out of the “cinders of the train”. So my grandfather took matters into his own hands and moved the train and got his own daughter out and therefore saved her life. Now…how he learned to drive a train…. I just don’t know that answer?? The newspaper article makes it sound like more than likely he had been drinking that day, like he usually did. He hit the train and my poor aunt had most of the left side of her face torn off and she had many many surgeries all of her life after that. One might surmise that she had to have suffered a TBI, after having her head hit by a train and being caught underneath it and after being in critical condition along with the other child and my grandmother, she and they suffered. Now ..my grandfather was unhurt and usually that’s how it goes because if the person is not tense (due to intoxication on some level) they’re muscles are not tightened and therefore they don’t suffer as much pain and/or injuries.
Now…I hope that this will help some of you identify those in your life who are harmful to you. Malignant Narcissist’s love to get pleasure from your pain, so it’s always best to get away and stay away if you can, from this type of person or people. If you cannot totally get away, then you need to minimize your time around these kinds of people at the very least. I have not given any names and therefore cannot be “hurting” my family in any way. I’m not writing this to be vindictive or hurtful in any way, but to help others to recognize the behaviors and characteristics of Emotional Vampires and/or Malignant Narcissistic abusers; in order to make the best life for themselves.
*** Some of my information was from “Emotional Vampires” by Albert Bernstein
**** also from “Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents Resources from “Bandbacktogether.com”
**** also from my own life experiences and the history passed down in my family origin.
****and from the newspaper in Detroit, Michigan from back in 1930 or so