Finding HOPE With Chronic Pain

At first, I had been off of work for awhile and on SSDI for PTSD and CKDII. This was after years of living with abuse, domestic violence and more abuse. I got the help that I needed and was going to try and return back to my job in the Fall of 2002. A man ran through a red light one August day in 2002 which changed all of my plans, hopes and dreams. At first I lived with Chronic Intractable Pain s/p the M.V.A. I suffered multiple injuries. Some of these included: a TBI with 3 years of brain injury rehabilitation (and whiplash), multiple herniated/bulging discs, nerve hearing loss, balance/vision loss/issues, a ruptured biceps tendon, 2 torn meniscus’ along with ankle and wrist injuries. I had 4 CT Arthrograms, which are grueling and painful tests rarely used today. They aren’t often done now because all of the new technology and MRI machines. But I had a pacemaker placed 3 months after the accident and can’t have anymore MRI’s (luckily I had the brain, neck, spine & shoulder ones done right away after the MVA). I endured 8 surgeries with 2 titanium screws in my left shoulder, and I’m on my 2nd pacemaker. In 2007, following right foot surgery, I was diagnosed with RSD/CRPS in my right foot. Later in 2013, I was diagnosed with “severe systemic/full body RSD/CRPS disseminated” with Lymphedema in my left arm, chest, breast. This occurred after what was supposed to be a simple pacemaker replacement surgery. Instead, when the Neuro-Cardiologist surgeon got inside of my chest, he found that my pectoral muscle had a hole worn right through it from the first pacemaker placement. What was supposed to be an easy 45 minute procedure turned out to be a major reconstruction of my entire pectoral muscle and more.

Pain has affected my life tremendously because I had been a full-time working single mother with two daughters for 9 years. I was an Interpreter for the Deaf at a major University hospital and for several school systems magnet hearing impaired programs. I had gone to College for Sign Language Studies/Interpreting and had received honors. Finally I found my soul-mate, fell in love and re-married. We had only been married 5 years when the car accident occurred, which changed my life forever. We used to win medals in “racewalking” together. For several years I had been an Aerobics instructor. At my daughters school and other elementary schools I volunteered by teaching children about Deaf culture and American Sign Language. For four years I taught Sign language class to the 4th and 5th grade children at my daughters’ school. The kids learned several songs in Sign Language and we finished off the end of the year by performing them for the whole school and the parents. Lastly, I volunteered to chaperone whenever possible and I was the jump rope team coach for several years. Receiving the honor of the “VIP” (*Volunteer In Public Schools) award from our school systems’ Superintendent was an awesome feeling. The award was given to me because of my work with the children and for volunteering my time to Interpret for Deaf parents with hearing students during IEP’s and Parent/teacher conferences. I was thrilled to be honored in our town Newspaper!

In seeking treatments, I was in brain injury rehab for 3 years outpatient and had found a pain management physician. He started out with the usual Epidural nerve blocks, trigger point injections, Pain Psychologist with biofeedback and 8 years of PT and OT. Multiple specialists were visited and it was a different one for each injury. I’d gone to at least 5 different shoulder Orthopedic Dr’s and none of them helped me. It was always more grueling Physical therapy and more pain. One of them even said to me “What part of I can’t fix your shoulder, don’t you understand? Is it the brain injury?” Feeling devastated, embarrassed and defeated at that moment, my driver took me home. (*I had a driving company take me to most of my appointments for several years because my husband couldn’t get the time off needed for everything). I had several experiences with physicians, that were just appalling. One G.I. Dr., said to my husband “Wow, you got way more than you bargained for, marrying this one, and you even stayed?” A knee Dr. told me that “everyone my age has a torn meniscus”. I think I could write a book just on terrible experiences I’ve had with physicians. But you know what? I didn’t give up! I continued to go to 5 different shoulder physicians, until finally one touched my arm in such a way that I screamed instantly. He knew then that my biceps tendon had ruptured a whole year prior! He said it had ruptured and then during all of that year while I was visiting shoulder Dr. after shoulder Dr.; the tendon had been trying to repair itself by reattaching wrongly to the bone. I had to have open shoulder surgery to detach that tendon from the bone and then reattach it with 2 titanium screws.

I feel that part of the barrier to my getting the care that I needed was that I “looked fine”. I suppose that because I tried to brush my hair, put on a bit of makeup and wear clean clothes, that meant that I was “fine”. Though I was prescribed per the PMR physician: 2 AFO’s (ankle/foot Orthotic braces for foot drop), knee braces, a shoulder brace, a wheelchair, motorized scooter, a walker, forearm crutches and a cane; I supposed I still “looked fine”!?? Along with the fact that I’d been prescribed prisms for my glasses (which I’d not worn prior to the MVA) and 2 hearing aids for the moderate hearing loss. My husband and friends, or for that matter anyone who knew me could see that I was in horrible pain. It seemed that many of the Dr.’s were oblivious. Luckily, my GP of many years, the PMR brain injury specialist and the pain management physician knew, understood and helped me and that is what mattered most at the time. I even had one person put a nasty note on my car windshield when I went into the grocery store. I had put the HC placard on my rear view mirror and put my cane into a nearby cart. I went into the store for just something small and came back out to a note that I’ll never forget. It was written on a napkin with purple ink and it said “You don’t look Handicapped or sick. It must be a MENTAL thing! I hope you become handicapped for the rest of your life so you know what it is like to really need this spot to park your car”! I was in shock and devastated. I cried all the way home. Then after composing myself, I wrote a letter to the editor of my town and told him all about my experience. I was hoping to help others to know they weren’t alone. I was also hoping that the person who wrote the note, maybe lived in this town and hopefully saw my “letter to the editor” and maybe they would feel some remorse?

I had a pain management Dr. and after doing all that he asked, he wanted to give me a spinal pain pump. I was not a candidate because I have an immune disease called “CID” or Combined Immune Deficiency Disease. He said since I was going to be given only medications, that he wouldn’t see me anymore because “he is looked at under a microscope by the government”. Therefore he turned my pain care over to my GP and told me that the Dr. could call him any time with a consult or questions. The GP did not know what to do with me and gave me a higher dose of pain medicine after pain medicine, which most made me ill. Finally we found something that worked and helped the pain. I was on 2 medications from 2005 thru 2015. Then in January of that year I got a letter from our insurance company stating that they “would not pay for the pain meds anymore after March 11th, unless a certified pain management Dr. agreed with the regimen I was on.” I thought that would be easy, I would just visit my old pain management Dr. and all would be fine. That was not to happen! I went to my GP for my next visit to discuss this letter and what we would do, only to find out it was his last day! I spent the majority of the appointment crying. He promised me that he would speak to that pain Dr. I’d gone to before and send him all of my updated records. He also told me that he would personally speak to that Dr.! We went to the pain specialist that had been my prior pain specialist. I had always been a good, compliant patient. I did everything asked of me. I fought taking pain medications but was told that “it was OK” and to “trust him”. I even had a letter from his own pain Psychologist, stating that I do not have an “addictive personality”. Well, I was astonished to find that he turned me away and told me to “go to a treatment center”! I fell apart and started to cry! Then he told me that my GP had been “investigated by the feds and he was sent to work at an urgent care where he cannot write prescriptions for pain meds any longer”. Then he proceeded to tell my husband and me that “he didn’t want to be any part of that Dr’s MESS”. He told me he would not see me again. I begged him and told him I was a strong person. I reminded him about the letter from his own pain psych. Dr.! I reminded him that I’ve never smoked a cigarette, never drank nor have I ever done any drugs in my whole life! He told me to leave and come and see him “only after I visit and go to a treatment center”. What is wrong with this picture? The problem is that this man is supposed to be a legitimate pain physician. He should know the difference between “dependent” and “addicted”. I don’t get a “high” from my medicine, in fact I despise taking it. I don’t think about it or crave it. If I had a choice, I would never want to take it again!

I never went back to that Dr.! Needless to say, I never went to the treatment center. I didn’t want that following me around in my medical records for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to be taken less seriously than I had been already, because I “look fine”. I went to about 4 or 5 different pain specialist’s who all looked at me dumbfounded or made rude comments to my husband and/or me! Some of them just stood by the door waiting for me to be done with my “story”, so they could say “Ok, well I’ll see you in 6 months”! A few of them said that I was “just too complicated” or had “too many pain issues to deal with”. Finally, I saw one Dr. that was kind, good and respectful towards me. That’s all it takes, folks! It only takes one kind Dr. to listen to you, believe in you and then you believe in him/her. He told me that I had to get off the medications that the other GP had me taking for 9 years. He gave me a different medicine and he told me that hopefully my brain would “be tricked” by the other pain medicine and the withdrawals wouldn’t be too bad. Even though I’d had seizures following the TBI, a heart attack and a CVA already; I wanted to do this at home with my husband’s love and help. I was told to take my last of the old meds on July 12, 2015 and start the new one. I was deathly ill for about 6 weeks. The first 3 weeks were the worst. It felt as though I had the worst flu in my entire life, on top of the flaring of the RSD/CRPS pain and other pain. Finally, I had done it! I had a few blood pressure spikes that were scary and we got some medication to help with that. I earned the respect of the new pain Dr. and I felt some sort of self strength from being able to do it all by myself, for the most part. Today, over a year has gone by and I don’t think about that other medication and I don’t want it. I never want it again actually. If someone offered it to me today, I would say “NO”! My quality of life has gone down a bit. I’m in my chair for most of the days, with about 4 “good hours” per day. But I still prefer this pain medicine regimen that I’m taking now! It works for me and it’s still pain medication but its more than half of what I’d been taking and I feel like my pain is semi-controlled as long as I don’t do too much for too long.

As far as distractions, that is what I want to talk about. There are so many good things that we can do to distract ourselves if we only give several things a chance. I started volunteering as a “chemo-angel”, a “card-angel”, “special assignment angel” and “prayer angel” for the “Chemo-Angels” program. What this essentially means is that I get assigned a “buddy”, someone compatible that I would work well with. It’s usually a child, because I love children and I’m a mom of 2 and grandmother of 3! The child is going through chemo therapy and I send them weekly letters, small gifts that are mail-able and cards. When I get assigned children, I use my kitty cat “Angel Kitty Luna” as the writer of the letters. The kids love to hear about Luna running through the house catching spiders in the basement or playing with her “baby” (her 1st toy). They end up loving my Luna so much, that I made her a Facebook “page” and many come to “visit” her there. There they can see videos of her and see that she is real. It’s good and therapeutic for me and it’s very good for the children or adults that I am assigned to be buddies with. I cannot say enough good about distractions. You are helping yourself when you help someone else. As far as the chemo-angel program, I’m never allowed to say a negative word in my letters and nothing about myself, unless its a fun story or something cheerful. I also took my love of Sign Language and changed it from Interpreting which I can no longer do, into signing songs that are uplifting and fun and posting them to You Tube (*@ASLSuzyQ), which I can do. It makes me hurt more sometimes and I must learn the lyrics first. It’s really very difficult for me but it’s a challenge too. You see, with the TBI it’s very hard to memorize and nearly impossible. With my pain levels, and lack of “range of motion”, it’s nearly impossible to actually DO the sign language. I go over and over and learn a song (because it’s very hard to hear words with music when you need 2 hearing aids). I sing it and learn it until it’s “2nd nature”. Then I videotape myself doing ASL covers of fun, meaningful and cheerful songs. I post them to You Tube and then send them to my few Twitter accounts, my 3 support groups on Facebook which I founded myself and admin. by myself (though the one group is pretty large and I have 2 helpers for that group). I also send them when appropriate, to my Facebook “Pages” which I started in order to help with different aspects of Advocacy and to cheer people up. Another one of my favorite “distractions” from my pain, is my blog and writing. I took journalism in College and I always wrote for my school newspapers. I even founded a newspaper at the University of Michigan hospital, where I worked before I got sick. I love writing and my blog called “Tears of Truth” (, has become more recognized and noticed. It started out as a place for me to write about the abuse and an outlet for me, before I had physical pain to deal with. It has progressed and evolved into a place where I write everything from funny stories to informative articles and my opinions regarding them. “Tears of Truth” is also a place where I can have my own “soapbox” about certain issues that I want to challenge. I even have ways to cope and what to do when you are in a situation with a Narcissists! I write during the holidays about how to cope with pain, people and pumpkin pie! I used my bad experiences and my good ones to help others. I even wrote about the day that someone in Wal-mart stopped me in a public store and wanted to “pray over me because I needed a cane and therefore had demons inside of me”! Now, don’t get me wrong, I love God and I’m a Christian! But I don’t appreciate being told that I am in pain because I’m a “bad person”! I try to write about these and other experiences. I find ways to help others should they come across something like that. I just love writing, music and ASL and I use all of that to help distract me from my pain. I have another You Tube account (*, where I post videos sometimes about certain issues, such as that “Anderson Cooper’s CNN Town Hall meeting” and the proposed “Opioid Lifeboat tax” and the USPain Foundation’s “People With Pain Matter”. I helped a group of University students with a project they had to do. They had to find something unknown to most people and make others aware of it. They saw the “CRPS” logo sweatshirt I was wearing while in a coffee shop. They stopped and asked me if I would help them with their project. I had so much fun helping them. I made videos, slideshows and we raised awareness about not only CRPS, but all about Chronic Pain! By then I was in process of becoming an Ambassador in MI, for USPain Foundation. I brought my pamphlets and other resources sent to me by USPain and we spread awareness of both CRPS and Chronic Pain.

I do envision a better and lower pain future for myself and anyone else who wants to “come along for the ride”. I can envision that future even more now because though I started out “alone” or felt “alone” on this pain journey. I now have thousands of people who share their stories with me each day from all over the world. I have made so many wonderful, deep, meaningful and strong friendships along the way. We all have to start with “baby steps”. When things feel too big or too much to handle, not only do I turn to God, but I have my loving husband/caregiver and my dear friends from all around the Globe. I’ve learned so much and I pray that I will continue to learn every day. Today I am better equipped to handle this pain because I didn’t give up HOPE. You never know what “good” could be around the corner. So please don’t ever give up! I just try to distract myself, take my medicine responsibly and use the tools that I’ve learned. This is the way I hope to continue coping and to become a better person and health advocate.

Doctors Are Only Human….

I have been to too many Dr’s since my auto accident of 2002. I have had my share of good and kind, helpful men of medicine. But then I also have had more than my fair share of mean and inhumane and insensitive medical and osteopathic physicians. I suffered a brain injury in that car accident and had to go into brain injury rehab for 3 years following. I have a terrible short term memory, when I once had memorized my full address book! I had a photographic memory in which I could look at something and study it as if studying for a test. Later I could recall that image in my mind. Now I can’t do either! My cerebellum is injured and will not get better. I love to write and as for reading, I have to read, re-read and re-read. I then get frustrated and go back to re-read again and then maybe even another time. Finally, I may retain the “idea” of something in a book or an article, but that’s as much as I can retain now for later recall. I am only telling you that because I do remember how awful I felt after leaving a shoulder orthopedic Dr’s office in 2003, after that MVA. I had been to visit several shoulder Doc’s by then…and knee Dr’s and heart Dr’s and so on. I had yet to visit the Cleveland clinic but that was to come later on. This shoulder Dr. said to me “What part of “I CAN’T HELP YOU, DONT YOU UNDERSTAND? Is it the brain injury or what?” Oh My Gosh! I was mortified as was his office staff. I left in tears with the man from the driving company, who transported me that day, also flabbergasted by this Dr’s words. That man was definitely NOT a Healer. I’ve had many more of those awful things happen to me in many different Dr’s offices. But I didn’t give up or lose hope. I kept going until I finally found someone to listen to me. Someone who didn’t want to blame everything on the abuse issues I suffer. I found a shoulder Dr. who sent me to the Cleveland clinic and they agreed with his diagnosis. They had thought they might do a “cadaver muscle / nerve transfer” surgery. But then they felt that I had too many other pain areas and that would be a huge, major surgery along with only fixing one small pain issue. I was sent back to the kind shoulder Dr. in Michigan, Dr. Jeff and he listened to me and touched my shoulder in a certain way. He knew right away that I had besides 2 torn rotator cuffs, a ruptured biceps tendon. It had ruptured a year earlier in that car accident but nobody would listen to me. I had so much pain and so many issues that I was “poo poo’ed” by many health professionals; until I finally found a great team that has been helping me. Dr Jeff did a surgery to detach the ruptured biceps tendon from the bone and reattach it with 2 screws. It fixed the nerve “zings” and though it was a painful surgery after 2 frozen shoulders/adhesive capsulitis for a year and 2 torn rotator cuffs. Soooooooo…….
I just happened to be on “LinkedIn” very very early today. I could not sleep. Something was drawing me to this place I hardly ever visit. I mean…I’m in pain…I am unable to work. I do what I can to try and help others and selfishly that makes me feel just a little bit better. I am in pain 24/7 and to others, I “look good”. People tell me that I “look fine” and that I “look young” and that does feel good. Though at times it makes me feel less cared about and less listened to. I feel judged sometimes and if I complain too much, people don’t want to be around me. Even if I don’t really complain at all, God forbid that I answer that question that just about everyone asks when they run into us someplace “How are you?” Well, my friends….you are damned if you answer that and damned if you don’t answer it. You may talk too long, too deep, or not enough. You just cannot please everyone so please …please yourself. Say what you need to say and to only those that you trust. No sense going into a long history of your issues with people who don’t care or who may try to hurt you with it later on, right? I mean, even those that we love or those that we hope love us back, they get tired too. I can’t say that I blame them as I grew up with an ill mother. She was in and out of the hospitals all of my life. The ambulances came into our house since I was a tot in the ‘onsie’ pJ’s, rubbing my eyes in the middle of the night when strangers with gurneys were taking my mommy away and telling me to “get out of the way”.
So this morning I was reading and I found this blog here on WordPress . It is called “Musings of The Distractible Mind” by Dr Rob Lamberts, LLC. It was an awesome article or post. I subscribed to his blog and now I want to share it with you. I give him all credits for this post as I have copied and pasted what he wrote for you to read because it’s awesome and I think it will help my readers. Mostly because many of my readers are chronic pain patients. Some with RSD/CRPS, like me; and others with various other pain issues and a wide range of medical problems. I admire this Dr’s writings and I am not copying his work as my own, only posting it here to share it with you because it’s awesome. I give you his name and the name of his blog and the name of this blog post. I pray that he is flattered, but if he does get upset, I will do whatever he wishes. I only hope that it will reach and help many people. Here is HIS blog post from July 2014:

Dr’s Are Not Healers

It’s a seductive idea. We doctors possess knowledge and experience which can not only help people, but can save their lives. We get opportunities to be the right person at the right time to offer the right help that makes all of the difference. It’s one of the greatest things about our profession. It’s also one of its greatest traps.

I’ve heard many doctors refer to themselves as “healers,” as if we have some special power to bring about healing in our patients. This idea confers some sort of a higher status and originates, to some, from a “higher calling” to a more noble life. Again, this is a logical step, in that we have opportunities on a regular basis to help and even save the lives of people. It’s natural to believe that somehow the healing power comes from our touch, or even from our knowledge.

It doesn’t. I am not a healer.

Healing is what the patient does, not the doctor. As a physician, I am certainly one who can help the patient find a faster road to healing, but I don’t heal. I help.

Why am I taking the time to talk about this? Why get stressed out over whether I am a helper or a healer? I think that the belief in doctors as healers causes significant harm to both doctors and patients, and that getting a better perspective about the roles of each will greatly improve the care given. Here’s why I believe this is a topic that needs addressing:


There are many patient problems that do not get better, despite my best efforts. There are countless pains I can’t remove, and many problems I do not solve. Even when I succeed, the success is always temporary, as a new problem will eventually come back. And if healing is our ultimate goal as physicians, we all are total failures, as all of our patients eventually die. If healing is held as our goal, we fight a losing battle. We are the soldiers in the Alamo, offering impotent resistance to an overwhelming force.

If I believe in myself as a healer, I will face constant disappointment and defeat.


My patient may follow my advice and not get better, or may disregard what I say and recover from their problem. My direction is imprecise and imperfect, based on my knowledge and experience along with what I believe to be happening with the patient. But my experience and knowledge may not be right, and my interpretation of what is happening with the patient may be inaccurate. Healing is something that happens in the patient’s body. It’s when they get better, whether or not I am involved in the process.

Belief in myself as a healer is based on a falsely high opinion of my knowledge and abilities.


I’ve seen it. I’ve heard people’s frustration when I’ve told them I can’t fix their problem or remove their pain. They feel like they shouldn’t have to hurt, or that if there is something wrong it’s because I’ve missed something. These are the folks who buy the “miracle” cures pandered by Dr. Oz and other profiteers. They hear the promises of health and wellness from the media and are disappointed when we can’t offer the same.

By believing I am a healer, my patients will eventually be frustrated and disappointed.


The pressure to find the “magic bullet,” or the unifying diagnosis leads many doctors to practice bad medicine. This is a pressure we all feel when faced with the powerless feeling some patients bring. This leads to the ordering of unnecessary tests, performing of unnecessary procedures, and prescription of medications that should not be given. I believe this is what drives many doctors to overly-prescribe narcotic pain medications and other addictive drugs. We don’t want to stand helpless; we want to do something.

To protect my role as a healer, I am drawn away from my training and toward the task of finding a miracle. In doing this I can cause significant harm.


Doctors in the past have been held with reverence by the general public. We possessed that “secret knowledge” that others didn’t have access to, knowledge that fueled our healing power. Now everyone has access not only to all of the knowledge we have, but also to others who offer alternatives. This causes many doctors to aggressively discourage patients to research their own problems and to attack alternative providers. In defending their turf, however, they are giving patients an ultimatum: us or them. More and more patients are choosing “them” because of this and are rejecting what we offer.

By clinging to our power as healers, doctors have greatly harmed people’s trust in our profession.

So what’s the alternative? Does it really make a difference what we call ourselves as long as we practice medicine? I think it does. Now that I’ve got time to choose the best way to practice, I’ve seen that there is a much better alternative to being a healer: being a helper.

Yeah, that sounds all dull and boring, I know, but it is not only more realistic, it is a much better way to practice medicine. Here’s why:


I may not be able to fix someone’s pain, but I can reduce it or can help them get through it. Every visit is an opportunity to help someone, and once I have helped them I’ve done something that can’t be taken away. I don’t have to see disease as a foe to be defeated, but as an opportunity to give to my patient from my experience and knowledge. Even when patients ultimately succumb to death, I have many opportunities to help them do so with peace.


I don’t have some crazy idea that I have special powers. I don’t believe that I’ve been “called” or “chosen” to do magic. I just help people. My focus isn’t on me (as if my care was not a performance), but on the person I am helping.


If my patients see me as a helper, not a healer, they will listen to my advice with different ears. I am standing beside them, not above them. They are far more likely to listen to me when I am offering help, not pronouncing my wisdom.


The temptation to offer more tests, more procedures, or dangerous drugs becomes much smaller when I take the role of helper over that of healer. I don’t see a need to prove myself, and will consider the harm of actions much more closely. I won’t over-prescribe pain medications because I will see how it harms my patients in the end.


Like it or not, I am compared to the homeopaths, the herbalists, the chiropractors, and the doctors on TV. When people embrace alternatives to the care I give, they are not necessarily rejecting me; they are seeking what they are when they come to me: to feel better and to lessen their fears about the future. If the help I offer is held next to the miracles promised by others, I think I will win. If patients are helped by others, though, then I should be glad for my patients, not upset about the success of my “rivals.”

We call what we do “health care,” which implies a relationship built for the sake of a person’s health. I believe the best way to accomplish this is to have a realistic view of who we are and what we do. I am not a healer. When I try to be one, I always fail and am always disappointed. I am a helper, and in taking that role I can always have opportunities to succeed.



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The Castle outside My Window….



Here’s a story;
There’s a castle out there!….I can see it from the window of my small home that is bare and has what I need but not a lot a lot of other “stuff”. My home is full of love & trust…now….! That castle I see…the one U can see from my window….has people in it….people from my past! They are all having fun, laughing, dancing & thinking that they “have” each other….It looks great from the outside….and the unknowing ones want to travel to the castle to see the inside and have “fun” with all the people in there that seem to be vest friends and getting along….. But I KNOW…I KNOW….what is inside that castle, and I know what goes on in there! Once you are caught in their web, you want more for awhile ..until you are so low, so hurt, so abused and put down; that you either figure it out …or…you don’t!…..That depends on your true heart and soul….It’s not what you say to Jesus on or in the places where people can see it…. It is what you say when you are alone with him…. In your soul and in your heart… Where no one else knows or see’s… That is the truth of the love I have for him. It is inside…. Not posted or boasted all over for me to be judgmental and/or self righteous….to make others who believe something else feel small or “less than”….



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Walking Wounded, the song

Walking Wounded, the song.


I just wanted to say “thank you” for the writer of this song and her blog “Secret Angel”…thank you for allowing me to post this on my blog to help others. I am a sign language interpreter, but am disabled now. I became hearing impaired myself through “too many hits to my head, concussions and then a man ran a red light and I was unconscious and that was the last straw “…my brain suffered a TBI and I was in TBI rehab for 3 1/2 years. So I forget things, I get overly emotional and I sometimes have a hard time organizing thoughts and finding things…But I still love ASL (American Sign Language) as you can tell by my few performed songs in my own blog here. I did “Katy Perry’s – “ROAR”  and then I recently did A Great Big World w/Christina Aguillera song called “Say Something”…I would love to perform your song…

A Christmas Wish

Hello Luvs,

Well, it is the Holiday Season once again.  The tree is trimmed….boy, OH boy is our tree ever “trimmed”!!  We have a 3 yr old kitty cat who thinks that we brought a tree into our house JUST for her to play in!! We actually came downstairs and came home etc…several times and the tree was over on it’s side, after having “crashed” to the floor! We decided to take the the bottom off of the tree and put the top of the tree into the tree stand and put it on top of the end table. So now she can hide under the tree skirt, which is on top of the table and under the tree….LOL…but she doesn’t get into it anymore! I just know she thinks that tree was brought inside just to please her and to give her something to play inside of! Silly Luna kitty!  Anyway, it’s still a beautiful tree, especially when it’s all lit up at night.IMG_3919

So…I’ve been really thinking…..I’ve been thinking about Christmas and the true meaning of this beautiful holiday. I used to get so sad when the people who were “supposed” to be around me during the holidays, were not around  during that time, or any other times. That is a long story for another day…But for today, I want to talk about Christmas Miracles and what I would love for mine to be this year or any time at all. I won’t go into details because the past is the past. But my eldest daughter has been gone for over 9 years now. She left of her own free will.  No one asked her to leave, no one forced her to leave, she just left.  Not a day has gone by that I’ve not thought about her. A holiday has not passed, when I haven’t cried because of missing her. If I could have one Christmas miracle, one holiday wish,  it would be the same Christmas miracle I’ve asked for every year since 2004. I would ask for my daughter to come home, at least in her heart.  She is almost 28 years old and has her own home now. Although I stayed and raised my two daughters literally without any physical, Psychological or emotional help whatsoever;  I pray to see her and I also pray to meet my only granddaughter, who just recently turned one year old, this past November. I didn’t know of the wedding, I never knew of the pregnancy, I never saw the ultrasound appointments, I missed her birth, her first sounds, rolling over, crawling, her first tooth and now I’m sure she’s walking and talking.
When I first learned about my granddaughter, I started a scrapbook. It is a way to keep her in my thoughts and on my mind in a healthy and good way. I’ve kept up a book for both of my daughters as well, since they were born.  I’ve written notes, letters, poems etc. to them both from the day I went into labor and through today. Of course they are older now so I don’t have so much to write anymore, but I still write in it when I find something that I want to share with them.  My friends kept trying to get me to find & look at photos of my new granddaughter. I didn’t want to look because I finally saw a photo of her and then I fell in love, instantly. My “baby” has a baby. Wow….my “miracle” has her own “miracle” now. I started the scrapbook, but it turned into a journal of sorts. I don’t have many photo’s of course and it’s turned into what I call “Letters To Olivia”… I have not done very much, but I’ve started it and have written in it. I “talk” to “Liv” and I tell her about us and her mommy when she was a wee one. I guess I just do it to keep sane. I’ve just lost so much; it’s hard to keep my heart from breaking all over again day after day.
I saw this somewhere and it makes me think of my daughter being a mother now :  “Mothers and daughters are closest when daughters become mothers.” -Author Unknown.  I found these ideas online…they are really several pieces of advice for daughters and I want to share them with you (they are from a woman named BNayden, but I don’t know who she really is, except that she is a mom….like me and……although I don’t usually give too much advice, I thought this was worth reading and sharing:

                                     Advice for Daughters

  1. Listen to your Momma. She will never intentionally steer you in the wrong direction. There may be times you think we don’t have your best interest in mind but we always do.
  2. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Your family and true friends will accept you for who you are.
  3. Do everything with grace.
  4. Avoid participating in gossip.
  5. Think twice before you post something on the internet.
  6. Learn to cook, clean and be organized for yourself, not for someone else.
  7. Don’t set limits for yourself. Break down boundaries.
  8. You are stronger than what you think.
  9. Read books and watch documentaries.
  10. . There is nothing wrong with a little adventure so don’t be afraid to try new things.
  11. . In anything you do, remember that there is a reaction for every action.
  12. . Be the heroine in your own story. You don’t need a prince to rescue you.
  13. . Don’t dumb yourself down to get attention. There is nothing wrong with being smart. Use your common sense.
  14. . Respect yourself.
  15. . Know who your true friends are. It is okay to let go of people and move on, not everyone is meant to take the next step with you in your journey.
  16. . Set goals for yourself and have a plan but know that not everything goes as planned. Always have a plan B and C.
  17. . Don’t give up on your dreams. Take it one step and one day at a time.
  18. . Travel. Experience the world.
  19. . Know what’s going on in the world and in your local community. Keep up with current events.
  20. . Be confident and believe in yourself.
  21. . Respect nature and the environment, help to take care of it.
  22. . Work hard and seize every opportunity.
  23. . Be kind, compassionate and loyal.
  24. . Not everyone will be on your team. Don’t worry about pleasing them. Keep yourself happy and stick to what you believe in.
  25. . Know your self-worth and don’t let anyone else bring it down or make you feel less worthy.
  26. . Have faith.
  27. . Be courteous and always practice good manners.
  28. . Try your best not to do or say anything you will regret later.
  29. . Be wise when it comes to money. Save for rainy days and for the future. Live within your means.
  30. . Material possessions are not everything.
  31. . You are my princess; find a man that will treat you like his queen and he will be worthy for you to treat him like a king.
  32. . Be as well-educated, well-spoken and well-traveled the best you can.
  33. . Have hobbies, learn to play an instrument, play sports, join clubs and do volunteer work. All of these things will teach you valuable skills and make you a well-rounded person.
  34. . You are going to lose sometimes but you will only fail if you don’t stand back up and try again.
  35. . Be independent.
  36. . Learn to be patient.
  37. . You have a rich heritage. Be proud of it and your culture because it contributes to who you are.
  38. . Realize when to walk away; you can only give so much until you compromise your integrity and happiness.
  39. . Be healthy. Eat well and exercise. Practice good hygiene.
  40. . Be passionate about everything you do and what career you choose. It should not always be about the money especially if you are unhappy.

I don’t know why I liked the advice above, but I thought it was really good, or most of it anyways. I just felt like sharing it …but now I’d like to share My Christmas wish:

….I so badly want my daughter to look up to me, like she had done in the past. I want her to see me with the same eyes that she had seen me with when she was a little girl. A time when I could fix anything and a time when a hug and a kiss and some ice inside of the “boo boo bunny” could fix a multitude of “owie’s”.  I don’t want to go back in time, but move forward yet have her remember what she knew of my heart, who she always knew I was and for her to once again KNOW that I still am that “Momma” who thinks of her every day and still fondly calls her “My Sunshine Girl”.  I want for her to realize that though she thought I could fix anything when she was a little girl, I’m just a person who is imperfect and who makes mistakes just like anyone and everyone does.  I so badly wish for her to know that I never ever did or said anything to intentionally hurt her, not ever. Though I never would hurt a hair on my daughters heads, I’m not perfect and I have my own past hurts, issues and inner “demons” that I fight against; while being a product of a Malignant Narcissistic abusive family……what I’m saying…… I suppose….is that I’m sure I’ve unintentionally  hurt some feelings in the past, but not willfully or with malice in my heart.

I have so much on my mind and in my heart this Christmas time. I am older now and feel at peace more with who I am and who I wish to be. I try to find good in every day and forgive the “little” things, because most daily annoyances are just that…”little things”.  I try to find the good in people that I meet, and not be judgemental.  I forgive those who’ve hurt me, even though the “hurt’s” that have plagued me during my lifetime are unimaginable to some. I’ve had not one, not two but many many Dr.’s and other people who meet me, say that I am a “miracle”. They say that they are so surprised that I’m not “dead or crazy.  I’m not saying that to boast about being some kind of “miracle”…no… but to have you, the reader; know and feel what kind of things I’ve endured. If not for any other reason, than to know that I write from my heart; a broken heart.  A heart that I’ve tried to mend over these years and continue to fill it with only love and kindness. I try not to harbor ill feelings for those who’ve abused me in the past, and they are many. I’ve been hurt by just about every person in life who was supposed to love me. I’ve been starved, poisoned, beaten, broken, punished, molested,raped, cheated on and worst of all taunted and teased, called names and the most hurtful of all is the fact that those who are supposed to love me, get pleasure from my pain. It saddens me when I think about it too much. So I just don’t think about it ….and as much as I can push it away, I do!

Anyways, all of that is in the past…oh wait…no… some of it is still happening. When you have Narcissistic abusers in your life, in your own family; it never ends until you break the ties. That  is something which is so hard to do that not many can do it; not many  stick with it for the long haul. God never said that you had to stay with people who hurt you and/or abuse you. But enough of that talk, this is Christmas and it is the season of goodness, kindness and peace.

I’ve always heard it is the time for miracles. I’ve been waiting so long and every Christmas I pray for my Christmas miracle to come true. I pray all during the year as well. I pray every day and each night. Maybe this will be my year for a true longing wish to come true. All I want for Christmas, Lord….is to have my daughter back in my arms again. I don’t care how old she is….she will always be my baby!  “I love her forever, I like her for always….as long as I’m living my baby she’ll be…”…..Anyways, the day will come that my wish will come true, she will feel again in heart what she once felt ……something I’ve always felt and never lost for her…..a kind of love that is deep and true and a special kind of love between a Mother and her daughter…..

Well…anyways…I hope all of your Christmas wishes come true….whatever language you speak, I hope you speak “Love” and keep it in your heart all year and not just at Christmas time….

Photo Dec 02, 4 46 30 PM

Dancing Through The Fire ….AND…. You’re Gonna Hear “US” Roar! *an International Affair*

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Hello Luvs,

OK..yes, I did “borrow” my title from the new Katy Perry song “Roar”. I had just done a performance of that song in ASL (American Sign Language), a few weeks ago, in a You Tube Video at: -and it just gave me a new sense of power and strength. When I was practicing and then finally performing that song in Sign Language, for “November-RSD/CRPS Awareness month”; I originally did it as a way to let others see that we are in pain but we CAN still have the power to change our own perspectives. I got such a rush out of the words, the feeling and the emotions that ASL brings to those words, that I didn’t realize that I’d overdone it once more. I had used up too many “*spoons” (*explained later).
I was down for not only the next week or so, but I’m still ill a month later. I ended up with a sore throat, fever, cough, pain *more. I got on antibiotics, then fell one night. I just hit the floor powerfully and don’t know how I got there, except that before the left side of my head hit the floor, it first hit the cupboard and then the countertop and then the floor! I screamed out for my husband, who was sleeping, but I forgot that my laryngitis made it almost impossible for him to hear me. Finally, he came downstairs and held me with and ice pack on my head for an hour, while I whimpered, cried, and felt sorry for myself. I went to bed about an hour later, though I don’t recommend that. I think you should always go to the hospital when you hit your head THAT hard and you are on blood thinners for Atrial fibrillation. Also, since this was about my 3rd time or maybe 4th time of hurting my head this badly, or worse….I really should’ve gone to E.R. (*Just so you know a little history, in 2000, I hit my head on a metal pole as I bent down to grab something and I felt “ice” going down my face and it was numb for 4 months with some residual permanent damage whereas my eyes don’t have a complete blink, nor do they shut all the way. I need special gel in them at night. Also you can see it mostly in photos, if you look closely, my left eye wanders and the one side of my face goes down still a bit, when I’m tired. I had a CT scan and got prednisone for brain swelling!!! In 2002, I was in a bad car accident. A man ran a red light and I had multiple injuries, tons of pain, nerve injuries and too many to tell you here, now. But I suffered an MTBI or Mild Traumatic Brain injury and had to have 3 years of TBI rehab from 9-3pm daily M-F! I’ve had several falls in between and OH…I forgot…I also had bad whiplash in another car accident in AZ in 1983, when a drunk lady hit me from behind. She was driving 45 mph, whiIe I was stopped at a traffic light. Whiplash is not good for the brain injuries either! I was born with Arnold Chiari I Malformation. My brain’s “tonsils” or hindabrain, swell into my spinal cord, which causes great pain as well. Lastly, without too many details, I will tell you that I grew up in a family where I was hurt by those who are supposed to love me the most. I was “punched” repeatedly in my temples, my head etc.. It happened many many times from as far back as I can remember and it didn’t end until I moved out at age 20. My mother used her knuckles instead of her fists; because “it hurts more”, she said. I won’t elaborate on the abuse right here, right now; as this is not about that part of my life. This is just a little introduction that hopefully can help others see that those of us who suffer from CRPS and other “invisible diseases/disabilities” have and do go through many of the same horrors and/or wonderful parts of life as everybody else go through. We just have this horrible, burning, hot “fire”-like pain that we suffer from and endure unending. There are many other components to CRPS, than “just” the pain. But that is the worst part of being afflicted with it. I want to say right here and right now, that just because sometimes you cannot see a persons disability, disease and/or pain; does not mean that it doesn’t exist! Most of us actually do try to hide it because we are usually judged harshly and scrutinized by others who are well, or others with their own health issues. I’ll let you look up the medical diagnosis, terms, symptoms and outcomes of people with this painful disease, because I want to use this time in a better way. You can visit : or to find out more regarding the questions and answers for this debilitating illness.
When I had my 7th surgery, following that car accident in 2002; it was April of 2007. I was having my right foot operated on and the Dr. had told us it would take her about 30 minutes. My husband was getting worried after an hour and half, when she finally came out to speak to him. Her exact words were “Well, it was a lot more gnarly in there than the X-rays showed”. After 5 days, I was hobbling around my home, and suddenly felt what I would describe as “1,000 sharp razor blades cutting my foot/ankle”. It swelled up instantly, about the size of a nectarine!! I had a nectarine sized “knot” sticking out of my now “black” ankle! I screamed as it hurt more than ever before! We went to the ER, and they practically laughed at me and told me that “it was swollen from the surgery”!! WHAT??? I tried to explain that it just “happened” and it obviously had something to do with the surgery, but this was not “normal surgery swelling” as they tried to force me to believe. We contacted the surgeon, luckily she is kind and gave us her cell phone # …she told us to meet her at the surgery center in the morning before her surgeries. I had to live with that excruciating pain over night!! She said that my “synovial joint sack broke”. She explained that it was all of the joint fluids popping out into the area, making the swelling and bruising colors. There was absolutely nothing she could do except help the pain a bit, and send me home to rest up. I went for my 6 week check up and found out after 6 weeks of “fire, burning, hot, swelling, sweating, nerve pain” in my ankle, that I had ” a bit of RSD/CRPS”. A “bit” of it? That is what she said …and she handed me a script for another pain Dr. (after I’d been through 5 yrs of pain clinic for all of the pain and injuries following the car accident), and she handed me a script for “Lyrica” and sent me on my way. It was the last time I ever saw her. I went for a second, third and fourth opinion; they all said I have RSD/CRPS. But at least the 2nd Dr., a foot and ankle orthopedic specialist, gave me some paperwork with information about “What RSD/CRPS is” and what to do and where to go for help. It was nothing really, I was pretty much “stuck” with this diagnosis and felt like I was “on my own”. Sure, some of the Dr’s who’ve known me for a long time, felt bad but nobody offered me anything to help. The only one who helped me was my old pain Dr and my GP. I got on a regiment and starting doing a little better. Then after 2 years, by the 3rd one, I was told that I had “full body” RSD/CRPS. Every time and any time that I had any kind of procedure done, that was in any way invasive, my RSD/CRPS would and does spread. My last surgery, or 2nd to last, in February 2013, was on my heart and I had a pacemaker replacement along with a pectoral muscle rebuilding. My 1st pacemaker had worn a hole right through my pectoral muscle and I needed it to be reconstructed. My Neuro-Cardiologist, in Toledo, OH, asked a well renowned plastic surgeon to help with that surgery because she’s had experience with researching RSD/CRPS to find out how to lessen the spreading of it, following surgery. She did her best with an internal “BIpvucaine wash”; meaning they put a numbing medication right into the surgical wound before they closed me up. This was all in the hopes of keeping my CRPS from going to my chest. Sadly, it did not work; but I still give my very wonderful and special Dr’s much credit for trying and researching it as well.

This is the month that those of us with the fiery pain of CRPS, call “NOVEMBER” … “RSD/CRPS Awareness month”. As you’ve seen in my above description of my own history (in short form); we also have to deal with daily painful occurrences that happen to most people. Yes, this month, each year, is dedicated to RSD/CRPS. It is a not rare, but not well known, very painful Neurological, “Invisible” disease. The letters stand for “Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome”. For the purposes of this writing, we will just call it “CRPS”, as the “RSD” is pretty much being done away with in these last few years. Dr’s and those who’ve researched this disease, have found that it is actually an “autoimmune disease” with components that involve the nerves, bones, muscles, blood, and skin. It has been noted that once you have an autoimmune disease, it’s likely or a little more likely, that you can become afflicted with another autoimmune disease. Those are actually words from my Orthopedic hand specialist at my appointment last week; where I found out that I certainly and most definitely have RA or Rheumatoid Arthritis now, as well as the CRPS (as well as other health issues).
After reading some of what I’ve gone through, you might conclude that I feel alone, in pain and secluded from the “real world” because I’m unable to do many things that most of you who are healthy, can do. That might be how some of us feel, especially when we are overwhelmed with too much “on our plate”. Luckily, for me, I have a close and personal relationship with God. He helps me to look to him for comfort and get ideas on how to cope by listening with my heart and soul, to his directions. Instead of “choosing” to be a “sick” person, even though there is no real choice…you are or you are not…sick. But, I can choose how I react to that illness. I can always have a few bad days when I feel sad or “alone” in this….but I have to bounce back and be who I truly am inside. Who I truly am, is a woman who’s been through quite a lot and had much more on my “plate” than some others, but not as much as some people. There are always people who are better and always those who are worse. It is what it is ….and not much you can do to change the impact of a painful disease and what it can do to you and your family, your husband and your children. But what we can do, is find way to cope and deal with it on a daily basis. Try to use the “spoon theory” (by Christine Miserandino….you can find information about it at: It is a way to cope and do only what you need to do to get through each day and stop when you cannot do any more. Try to make good “choices” and not give up when you hit a “brick wall” with a Physician who knows nothing about this disease. Keep on trying Dr. after Dr. if you have to, until you find someone who believes in helping you. They’re out there, but few and far between. We all need to try and keep positive and even when it’s positively horrid, we can surely feel sorry for ourselves for a little while, gather up our senses, regroup and then come back and start again!
I’ve found that I simply hate feeling “alone”. I don’t have to be “alone” these days, with the technology that we have today. At any time of the day or night, on any given day of the week, during any month of the year….I can “be” amongst people. People who are in pain, just like me. People who feel like giving up sometimes, just like me. Real people who are simply other human beings with much pain and who are trying to make this life still feel meaningful. I’m talking about my CRPS “community”. WE are friends! We have found true friendship and trust in each other. There is an International group of people with CRPS! We somehow have found each other via our blogs, our groups and Facebook! This is invaluable for someone to not become so depressed with illnesses, that they no longer want to be part of society. We can “instant message” each other, in the blink of an eye. We can lean on and trust in each other far across the boundaries of miles and miles of Sea, Ocean and land. There are quite a few of us, too many to try to mention right here and now. But as I am in the USA, I can reach out to someone in the middle of my deepest, darkest painful night, and find someone else on the other side of the “pond” wide awake because it is only their lunchtime! They in turn, can type out a few words onto Facebook messenger, and we can have a conversation about the flowers, the snow, and then also….the good, the bad and the ugly of it all. We can and do Skype each other.  It’s as if I am sitting in their living room and we are having a conversation face to face. We can even share a cup of tea if we want to, in today’s modern technological era!  We all have and share a common bond. You may have thought that the bond was going to be “illness” or “pain”. No…the bond we share is of a much greater magnitude than even the horrible  8,9, 10+ pain we can endure at times! It is the sense that we want to choose, at least for the most part; to be positive. Not always and not every minute of every hour of each day; but as much as possible we lean on each other and try to stay in a positive mode. To go about each day in a positive way and let that shine onto others. We try to write; in order to get a message out there for awareness, respect, research and more knowledge by everyone associated with this painful illness. Many of us have started and have become administers of large support groups and we are sometimes “counselors” (without the letters after our names, but with much more in the way of respect for the pain, the feelings and the every day aspects of dealing with CRPS) for our groups and for each other. We work together to gain knowledge and to raise money for every aspect of this excruciating and disabling disease.

I will be leaving a link at the end of this blog post, actually it will be many links. It is where you will find the writings of those who live near and far across the “ponds”. It will be links to their blog posts of today’s date. We had all decided to do an International blogging post today, to show our solidarity in supporting each other in the Pain of RSD/CRPS. We are all sharing something about this month, the awareness, the lack of knowledge and/or awareness and the friendships we’ve made because of it all. Each and every one of us has done certain special things this month and throughout the year and years, to make a difference to the RSD/CRPS community. We’ve tried so hard to make that difference be something real and important. I know that I’ve been doing a fundraiser/raffle drawing this month. I’ve been raising money that will be delivered to RSDHOPE.ORG on December 1st, 2013. I’ve reached out to my one support group of over 800 people, and my google + support group, that is new and has 100 members. I’ve reached out to my friends, my family and anyone that will hear me. I started to feel sad that it is already November 22, 2013 and the end of the month is in only 8 days. I’ve only raised about $135.00 thus far. But I am so appreciative to those who have donated and as I’ve been saying all along, “even one dollar can make a difference”!! I’ve got 6 stretchy, orange and white bracelets made, to be the first to be raffled off on December 1st, after the month of November is finished. For each dollar that you donate, your name goes into the drawing that many # of times! Whereas 25.00 = your name in the drawing 25 times!!! The second half of the drawing, is for a handmade (by me, “Support In Jewelry” at : and Swarovski crystal Awareness/Support ribbon bracelet. The 2nd raffle drawing is for anyone who sent or sends in at least $5.00. Their name goes into this drawing one time and that crystal /awareness beaded bracelet will be 1st prize. I’ve said that if I get at least $300.00 in donations, I will also have a 2nd and 3rd prize of : a Swarovski crystal RSD/CRPS support pair of earrings and a key chain for RSD/CRPS support, will be the 3rd prize *unless a man wins 2nd prize or 1st prize and he wants the key chain, he will get to choose that first. Every penny that I collect in donations WILL be sent to RSDHOPE.ORG. They’ve helped immensely by giving me a “Mentor” when I first found out and was diagnosed with this painful disease. It was someone who had been through it already and who was dealing with it in a positive way. She answered my questions, listened to my whining and complaining and gave me advice. Now I am a Mentor and I do the same for those who are newly diagnosed. They also have so much information on their website and it is run by a “family”.
Anyways….I guess what I want to leave you with today, is that without this month being deemed “Awareness” month for RSD/CRPS, we might not have met each other. I still have many friends yet to meet and get to know. But this special group of people from this International platform, really makes me feel like I don’t have to internalize all of my pain. I can share it, write it and get it out and there are people who Will listen and those who DO care! The world is a very large place and if you can have friends in many places, it really helps you to deal with things in a much more positive attitude. They know how I feel…they know what I’m saying! They know what I mean when I say “I cant today”….. I am lost without these special bloggers, friends and International comrades…You are some very special people….thank you so much for giving me the privilege of calling you my friends. Don’t forget to check just below, as I’ve posted all of the links to my International friends, Posts’ for this “RSD/CRPS Awareness Month”/November 2013, as well.  I think we’ll call ourselves  the “International Blogger’s” ummm….the “International Blogger Sisters” nooo…hmmm what about….”The Bloggers Across the Pond”…OR…..ummm….. “The United Bloggers-an International group”? Well, we’ll have to sleep on that one, I’ll get back to you, luvs…..
….Until Next time…..Suzanne

List of International CRPS Bloggers (*Friends)

1)   Sylvie in Belgium: Blog SDRC International: des amis merveilleux et des patients experts / CRPS international blog post : wonderful friends and experts patients…

2)   Elle in the UK: An informal International network of CRPS patients…

3)  Suzy (me) in USA: “In  ASL, a Performance for NOVEMBER /RSD AWARENESS MONTH”….MUSIC is UNIVERSAL….emotions have no boundries!!: Roar by Katy Perry in ASL

4) Lili in Canada: Love Knows No Bounds…

5) Jo in the UK: CRPS Awareness Month International Blog Post, A Community of Angels… blog/2013/11/23/CRPS-Awareness-Month-International-Blog-Post-A-Community-of-Angels.aspx

**watch my ASL/performance of “Roar” video here:

**Please contact me here in comments if you’d like to donate to the RSD/CRPS fundraiser. I’ll give you my PayPal address for you to send it there if you wish