All For One, None For All


Gosh, to think of all the positive blog stories that I’ve posted. That’s how I met most of you. Through my perseverance and positivity. But lately, I’ve had lots of “downers” & I apologize. I do apologize …but not before another “not so upbeat” post. So remember how I was trying to be there for my dad? He recently was inpatient at hospital & he had to have the “Rapid response” revive him twice at age 88. I went even though I was told by him & my brothers, not to come. Well then, I was given times that I was supposed to go because that would help everyone else. Because I’m a high impact pain patient, I’m up at night. That doesn’t mean I’m out at night doing stuff. That means, I’m at home in my PJ’s unable to sleep due to pain issues. But the entire 12 days before my major surgery, I spent with my dad and going when I was told to go and even when I wasn’t.

When he got put on dialysis, Craig & I showed up. I was told by my brother that it would be “all day or at minimum 4 hours so we couldn’t see him” (& supposedly they couldn’t see him either). So I called their bluff & said “well we will just wait. We can wait 4 hours here with you!” Ahhh but then he says 5 minutes later “we can go in after the dialysis nurse gets things started actually in about 1/2 hour”. Hmmmmmm??? A far cry from 4 hours or more. We stayed & said nothing. I even went to see my dad the night prior to the day before my surgery.

I was texted the day before my major surgery, by my brother who asked if I was coming up in the evening (to relieve him, I’m sure bcz he was leaving)… or “when was I coming?” That day I said I couldn’t come because I had to do some stuff for myself before the surgery. I’ve not heard from anyone since then.

I’ve texted my dad daily. But not once has it been about me. Never has been…never will be. But my brother called Craig once & said he was on his way to see my dad… told Craig about my dad & asked about my surgery for a moment in the end.

(Side story:**My dad told me that my middle brother (who I don’t see, for many good reasons & haven’t for almost 17 years)told him that he “doesn’t & hasn’t prayed for me for all of these years but he will pray for my surgery “for my dads sake”… WTH?? He pretends to be a priest! He buys all of the stuff online & even bought a certificate that says he’s a “bishop”… he has a fake chapel that when you go to Google Earth, it sends you to his house!! If you go to his website you see that people send him money as “donating to his church”! There aren’t even any real services held. One lady online wrote on his website, “me thinks he’s a fake”! Well me thinks so too! I stay far away from him and I have always and since I took several PPO’s out against him. (The Domestic Violence Shelter helped me!)

My dad is at cardiac rehab now & he’s actually getting better. But it really hurts that my family has not cared about me & they continue to say “we’re always here for you!” My dad continues this fairy tale “that if ever I needed any of them, they’d be there for me “even with our differences”!

Well, I’ll tell you…. they’ve not been there & haven’t been since I was a child. Once when I called my big brother, after I was in a catastrophic car accident. I suffered a TBI & his phone number was the only one in my head. I even hit myself in the face by accident with the telephone, in trying to call him because I felt in pain & afraid. He answered the phone with “Oh…you need someone ?…”. CLICK & the phone went dead! He hung up on me! I suffered 3 years of brain injury rehab. I’ve gone through 10 surgeries now! They tried to turn my daughters against me when they were teenagers also! They were not ever, nor have they been there for me at all! They’ve only tried to hurt me more & “kick me when I was down”. Luckily, the love, protection and bond that my daughters, my husband and I had/have, pulled us through! We are as close or closer than ever! They are older now, with families of their own. They look back & now understand & see what truly happened. Having children of their own, they can’t fathom what happened to me! They don’t really see or talk to any of my biological family. But when my dad was dying, I got them to come & to make a FaceTime call.

Now that my Dads in cardiac rehab, he /they are back to their same horrible treatment of me. They’d still throw me face down in a mud puddle, in the middle of a busy street during rush hour; if it would give them my daughters and grandchildren.

Another thing that I can’t fathom is the way my dad & brothers have treated my dads girlfriend/live in partner of 12 years. She treated me absolutely abhorrently when I introduced myself to her the first time, years ago. Again, another “victim” who only knew one side of their story.

But guess who was nice to her? Guess who was concerned about her feelings when my dad & brothers refused her entrance to see my dad while he was inpatient & dying. She texted me until the wee hours of the mornings. I was kind to her & told her she should go visit him anyways. She is my dads “creature” too, unfortunately. She stayed away & barely got any information from my brother. She asked me to help her to get a pill reminder because my dad did all of that for her. He infantilized her as he’s tried to do to me. I cared about her & promised her that no matter what happened; Craig & I would visit her & try to be there for her as much as possible. Guess who I never heard from before or after my recent major surgery?? I’ve not heard from any of them! I’ve sent texts for 3 days in a row & never have received a response from my dad. Yet my daughter texted him while she was visiting us with our granddaughters yesterday. He texted her back right away & asked if he could call her? She said she was at my house & he could call anytime.

I had to fight in order to be included as one of my fathers 3 adult children. They said I was “too frail & too weak to come visit because I might cry & hence, make my dad cry”! Oh My Gosh! I’m stronger than any of them put together! I’ve been through a hundred times more pain and abuse than any of them! I told them they were not going to shut me out again, like they did when my mom died. I am strong! I told my dad that he has 3 children, not 2! My oldest brother pretty much gave up a life of his own in order to be “the honored one”. He does everything for my dad and we’ve been shut out for years.

Only when my dad thought he was dying did he say nice things to me. He told me (after I put my foot down & insisted that I was visiting him in the hospital) that “it was a treasure to have me there every day”! He said I was a “dear, dear, sweet person & he loved me”! I cried & couldn’t believe those words were said to me.

I’m 10 days post-op and I’ve barely been out of our home. I cannot visit him right now. But as I’ve said, I texted 3 days in a row with zero response. The 1st day I did get a quick response when I tried to tell my dad (who was discharged & on his way to cardiac rehab) that my surgery was over & it hurts quite a lot. I sent a couple of pictures. But the response I got was unfathomable. He told me “it looked like a nice, neat job” (*pictures above & below)! Even though I actually looked like I’d gotten beat up or walked through a war zone! He then told me about his bathroom issue of the day.

None of them called or have cared about me at all! My older brother called Craig once after surgery & that was because my dad wanted to know if I made it or not, I guess? Then he told Craig about my dad (as I was being put into the recovery room).

I’ve had 2 pacemakers placed and 8 other surgeries in the past 17 years. I live with systemic RSD/CRPS. They don’t even know what that is & never have cared to ask or see any of my special needs. But my dad got a pacemaker 6-7 months ago at age 88. They made such a huge deal about it! I tried to explain that I’m on my 2nd one and got my 1st at age 40! I told them that “it’s not so bad”! They were indignant & furious that I didn’t see that him getting a pacemaker was the end of the world as we know it!! I never got one ounce of empathy, love or even a phone call after any of my surgeries nor either of my pacemaker surgery’s.

It’s a horrible rollercoaster. I stop seeing & talking to them for months at a time. Then I get phone calls asking me why I’m not calling my father? I’m so tired of being treated like the scum under the sink! My dads managed to turn all but 1 or 2 of my cousins against me & all of my aunts & Uncles. The one Aunt who never judged me and somehow saw through the charade, died a year or so ago. I have a couple of cousins who know, saw & understand the truth. One of the 3, passed away last week.

I had a favorite aunt once, she used to put food into my pockets when I’d leave after visiting her house as a kid. She has stuck by my dad & his stories. I asked my dad earlier this year if he’d told that particular Aunt, that we we’d been meeting for dinner the past few years and had been chatting etc? He told me “she doesn’t care about you she has no use for you!

I dared to speak the “family secrets”. I dared to get help and be a real & separate person. To make a healthier & better life for my husband, my daughters & myself. It’s been hell and I’ve tried to keep kindness, hope & empathy in my heart; & God in my soul.

So all in all, I almost lost my dad this month. Regardless of how I’ve been treated, he’s still my dad & we only have one dad. I also underwent a major & very painful surgery 10 days ago. A tumor was removed from my middle ear. The surgeon drilled into my skull and mastoid bone. Ten days later, I’m still suffering with a lot of pain & fatigue. Once again, I feel totally ostracized & uncared about by my biological family. There’s only one person whose been by my side for the past 23 years & that person is my husband & soul-mate, Craig. We’ve been by each other’s side through so much and I thank God for him every day.

Are Imposters Preying On Unsuspecting Patients In Our Pain Community Again?


Hello Luvs

Once again I’m so sorry to be giving the news regarding the possibility of imposters (or at the very least, these are persons who don’t have the best interest of our pain community in their hearts) infiltrating our pain community. Last I wrote about this subject, was a month ago, inside of several groups, to warn them! It was regarding the notorious “Kate Ashworth” aka “fake RSD/CRPS guru”(see article link below). She was back again; hurting unknowing chronic pain patients! Those affected, just happened to be persons who also live with the unbearable pain of RSD/CRPS. (To find out more about RSD/CRPS, please visit: For Real Facts & Information About RSD/CRPS, follow this link to RSDSA Home Page (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome Association)

*(To Read the article about the imposter,“Kate Ashworth”,who recently came back a second time & infiltrated the RSD/CRPS community; visit this link: This is the Link to the article about Kate Ashworth, an Imposter to the Chronic Pain Community) “Strangers Among Us”

On Tuesday night 3-6-29; I saw a message from a long time RSD/CRPS friend on Facebook. I saw the message very late in middle of the night and it was written by Mary Mattio, in a “closed & secret” Facebook support Group for RSD/CRPS. Posting with permission, this is what I read at approximately 11:30 pm:

I’ll show you everything that was written underneath. But first I want to say “thank you” to Mary Mattio for posting about this to the Facebook group, . When digging deeper, I’d like to say “thank you” also to Tracey Tipton-Morales & Marisa Gravett for their “detective work”, involvement and postings. But we need to all give a special thanks to Sarah Lesley, for being the first to figure out all of this mess which I’m going to try to explain. So thank you to everyone who’s been involved in getting the word out, sharing, reporting and blocking these alleged fakes.(I have to say “alleged” but I believe it is true, with my whole heart!)

This was the full post shared from Sarah Lesley & Marisa Gravett:

⚠️ ATTENTION CHRONIC PAIN COMMUNITY⚠️

* Shared from Sarah Lesley & Marisa Gravett *

Okay CRPS Community: If you are in the group “RSD/CRPS and Neuropathic Pain Syndrome” beware… This was brought to my attention this morning. One of the admins actually works for a treatment center that focuses on getting pain patients to stop talking about their pain, basically making it seem like it’s all in our heads. I just saw a YouTube video shared in a post on that page this morning of him doing a presentation about his research and recovery centers and how it focuses on getting pain patients to stop focusing on their pain and to be able to return to be active members of society again. Basically making it sound like we don’t really need medical care, treatment etc…

I am infuriated at some of the things that I have seen and found out. We believe that many of the admins are either fake or using fake names and or involved in depth with Dr. Rand and his treatment centers as one of his treatment centers is referred to as the Bay Area and the last name of many of the admins is Bay…

Think of this as a conspiracy theory if you wish but I have just seen with my own eyes a YouTube video by Dr. Rand speaking about these treatment centers and it is very clear that this group and possibly other groups that we may all be involved in with similar admins, maybe using the information that we give against us as research, or to turn it in to help with their research or so-called research.

It is clear that this group is not created to help others. Many of the members I am sure do their best to help many people in this group to share information to ask questions and I do not blame or think any of the members are involved except for the ones that are listed as admins.

If you are in this group you are advised to check it out for yourself and if you feel the same way to delete the posts that you have in that page as well as get out of it. Also I would advise all of us to take a better look at who the admins are in many of our groups if we do not know or have never checked it out. We need to do all we can to look out for ourselves and our fellow CRPS Warriors and if there is any chance that this group is not on the up-and-up or could be using our information for any purpose other than to help each other live a life with this horrendous evil monster of a disease, I want no part of it and I do not want any of you to as well.

I was originally going to tag everybody in the post within the group that I’m friends with but there are so many of you I ran out of room on a piece of paper writing your names. I’ll be tagging as many as it will allow. Please if you are a CRPS Warrior check out this group check out the information for yourself and be careful out there.

I urge you all to please report all the fake profiles & all the groups that the fake profiles created & are Admins of, it’s the only way we can get them shut down. This post is now public, please feel free to share. Marisa Gravett has additional information on this as well.

Look up Jerrod Rand on YouTube if you want to see for yourself. Be careful out their Warriors. We are finding way too many wolves in sheeps clothing within our community.

** BELOW ARE SCREENSHOTS OF THE ADMINS & A FEW OF THE GROUPS & PAGES THAT ARE LINKED TO THEM **

**BEFORE I REPORTED & BLOCKED THIS “JERROLD RAND” facebook account (whether someone is using his name, or it is truly this person; we don’t know yet?)- I FOUND THIS POST VERY INTERESTING & TELLING OF PROBLEMS ON/WITH THAT PAGE:

I wanted to add that we all need to be vigilant, but we cannot allow ourselves to overreact or get too upset over this. Though it is very upsetting, our main goal is to stay calm and get the “word out” to the RSD/CRPS & Pain Communities. If everyone who reads this can go and report each of these groups and the 5 accounts that appear to be for the sole purpose of “pushing” these 30 or so “support groups” on unknowing people in pain! If we all can do that, Facebook will be able to shut them down!

Please understand that I’m in no way condemning those who have joined these groups. It’s not their fault. It’s the admins (whoever they truly are??) of those groups who are to blame. They are violating our community and others. Once again, people had recently been asked to send in photos of their Rsd/CRPS affected limbs. People, please don’t send your photos to anyone who asks. If you’re friends with someone who you know & feel comfortable with; and you want to share a photo; go for it! But please, just a bit of advice from my heart: “please don’t send your personal medical photos to anyone who requests them from you”. Also, PLEASE don’t take any medical advice from anyone online. They could be impersonating anyone! Only take therapeutic, medical advice from your own personal medical professionals. The ones who know you and your personal mecical history.

Any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask: Sarah Lesley, Mary Mattio, Marisa Gravett, Tracey Tipton-Morales or you can ask me & I’ll do my best to get the right answers for you.

Please share this public blog post everywhere that you can. We need to look out form& take care of each other! Thank you for your time!

Lastly, here’s a link to a video by Jerrold Rand who seems to be the ringleader:

1: “Dr” J. Rand on Opiate use” at his Youtube channel called “Bay Recovery”

2: “Dr” J. Rand talks about Methadone on his Youtube channel

3: THIS ONE MAY UPSET YOU- if you’re fighting for your life-saving pain medication right now (just forewarning you): “Dr.” J. Rand’s patient talking about chronic pain etc. (On Youtube)

I hope that you will all just take this information and do what’s in your heart. I cannot honestly write here, that I know anything “for sure” about this quack! I’m writing an opinion piece (because we are all allowed to have our own personal feelings and opinions). But my opinion is that this guy and his 30+ Facebook groups, fake admins (possibly?) and several fake accounts, are frauds! I’m just sayin’—–check the one photo screenshot above especially!! The one that shows that his license was revoked in 2012!! Then look at the News story underneath that one! About him self-prescribing sleeping pills etc! Also, it appears from that News piece, that he somehow may have been responsible for a women’s death??

Sorry for the bad news! But I love you all with my whole heart & soul. I feel an inner tug at my heart to protect you in any way possible.

Don’t be afraid of opioids


There is a gene called “addiction” that some people are born with and others are not. This gene can cause a human being to become an opioid addict. It is not the medication that causes addiction. The medication is just a tool, that if used improperly can become deadly. But again, the medication is an inanimate object or a tool! Similarly a gun is an inaminate object; but when people use it in the wrong way, it can kill!!  Therefore, people should not be afraid of Opioids any more than they should fear Insulin if they are Diabetic. When used responsibly and properly, as the high majority of chronic pain patients do; opioids can give back lives and save families. Just the same way as a gun can save lives and families, when used properly and for specific reasons. The idea that those opposed to opioids for chronic pain need to understand is that

  1. No one will force them to take opioids, so they should stop trying to force a ban on opioids for chronic pain patients.
  2. Opioids don’t “kill people”. They are only a cause of death if they are taken incorrectly (as with most medications) or if they are used inappropriately.
  3. Chronic pain patients are not addicted to their opioid pain medications. They may be dependent or tolerant but again, there is no “high” involved. There is no scrambling for a “fix”

I found more interesting information about the confusion surrounding opioids and addiction. If you try to GOOGLE “how many people have died from PRESCRIPTION drug overdose in 2018 or 2017?”, it doesn’t give you a straight answer! But if you go to this article written by Josh Bloom Who Is Telling The Truth About Prescription Opioid Deaths? DEA? CDC? Neither?  It becomes much more clear what is happening, sort of?

Let me explain in a bit more detail. You see, Andrew Kolodny, the “king of detox houses”  has become very rich.  He appears to be greedy for more. This man just cannot tell you enough about how chronic pain patients and drug addics are in the same category. Yes, it’s true and he says those words directly on this video at time spot:  1:37 to 1:54 Washington Post Video: “Dr Andrew Kolodny; opioid crisis “not and abuse crisis, it’s an addiction epidemic” ….therefore, I have surmised (along with many other advocates, that this man is just trying to prey on those who are lost to addiction and those who have lost someone to addiction overdose. But do you realize (I’m guessing he does not or he’s covering it up?) that the opioid deaths are not from prescription opioids! They are from illicit Fentanyl/Carafentanyl from Mexico and China mostly. These are deaths that are from mixing illicit drugs possibly with some opioids and the PROP and CDC etc. are then calling them all “opioid deaths”.

In Josh Bloom’s article above he shows the lies, the outright blatent lies that people are being told by the DEA and others. Read this quote from his article above, dated 11-5-18, “Controlled Prescription Drugs (CPDs)…are still responsible for the most drug-involved overdose deaths and are the second most commonly abused substance in the United States.”  (from the  2018 National Drug Threat Assessment,Drug Enforcement Administration, October 2018) ….but it’s not true…it’s deceiving. Josh Bloom adds that “there was a newly released 164-page report by the DEA manintaing that controlled prescription drugs are killing more Americans than any other drug”.   He concludes that this is either deceiving or just confusing.

You see, other drugs are included in these “death tolls” from Opioids. It’s not just prescription opioids but there are depressants,  stimulants and other drugs responsible as well. They are all being “lumped together”. There is even a CDC chart in his article that shows how they seemingly intentionally misled all of the readers. The chart shows “drug poisoning deaths” and in very very small print it states “The CDC drug poisoning death category medications” was formerly “prescription drugs” but was changed for two reasons: 1) the category includes Over the Counter Drugs…..” So now OTC drugs are added too this mess as well. He also included that “annual deaths from NSAIDS vary widely they are significant:  3,000-16,000 deaths per year.”

Medications for chronic pain illnesses are not “bad” and should not be causing so much turmoil in peoples lives. The PROP and people like Kolodny and his minions, have decided that they are “evil” and so now they are spreading it like wildfire. There are his drug treatment centers and the creators of Suboxone/(Buprenorphrine-Reckitt Benckiser and others who want to “get rich” by hurting the innocent people who are chronically ill. The RBI corp. even went to far as to pull off a shocking scheme to profit off of heroin addicts in 2016. You can read about that in my other article called “About Suboxone, Buprenorphrine and Naloxone” . Andrew Kolodny even made a statement to the effect of how this generation of chronically ill/disabled persons living with chronic pain need to die off, so that the next generation won’t be addicted to opioids for chronic pain. Can you even believe that train of thought? The next generation won’t even have the option to have opioids for chronic pain (*or experience pain relief). This in an attempt to stop addiction and overdoses from occurring. In other words,  let’s just knock off  the elderly, the disabled and the chronically ill; so they won’t be a burden to anyone, is that it? Get rid of all of us so that we won’t suck the system? So our kids won’t know anything about pain control? They will be brainwashed into thinking that mindfulness, acupuncture and grounding can “cure” chronic pain illnesses? Do people really believe that? I do believe that some of the complimentary therapies may alleviate a minimal amount of pain for the short term. But they’re not a long term answer for chronic pain.  I know of one U.S.A. Pain organization that really “pushes” the complimentary therapies. Consequently they have actually abandoned a large number of the pain community who rely (*or did rely) on opioid medication therapy for pain control. Where are the human rights groups and other organizations who have the power to affect a positive change for the pain community? Why hasn’t anyone physically helped to change the misdirected concocted fear of opioids?  I’d truly like to have an answer for these questions? It’s hard to believe that those who blindly play “Follow the Leader” to the likes of Andrew Kolodny, just want chronic pain patients to “go away”? But as I write this article, there are more states petitioning to become “right to die” or assisted suicide states.  It is already legal in:  Washington DC, California, Oregon, Colorado, Vermont, Hawaii & Washington (still being disputed in Montana). Are we really 100% useless and disposable, like garbage to be thrown away?

Thats a scary thought to ponder! There are people such as Andrew Kolodny and Organizations such as the CDC, DEA and PROP, who would rather that I die than stay here with my husband, children and grandchildren for as long as humanly possible? All I need to be able to do is to take a pill a few times a day or wear a patch and I can live some semblance of a life outside of my bed or the recliner that I now live in for the best part of most days now. The Opioids do not make us “high”. I’ve never been “high” and all they did was take the edge off of a whole lot of pain; due to a long list of high pain chronic illnesses. Most of us, who are living with chronic pain, just want to live some kind of life. Don’t we have that right, just as others without pain do? Many of us were victims of accidents or crimes or just plain unlucky. Why do they want to make our life unbearable? Or even worse yet, why do they want us dead? Is this Eugenics coming back from the early 1900’s?

 

International Stakeholder Community of Pain Experts and Leaders Call for an Urgent Action on Forced Opioid Tapering | Pain Medicine |Oxford Academic


The aforementioned article proves that there may be hope for the chronic pain community.

In 2016, Andrew Kolodny, (who is co-Director of Opioids policy Research at Brandeis University), along with a group of Addiction specialists & others, went behind closed doors to “invent” & then Implement the 2016 CDC Guidelines regarding the use of Opioids. These were Supposed to be just guidelines for primary care doctors. But they rapidly became “the law” in the eyes of the CDC, DEA, National News Media outlets, Pharmacies & our government officials. Today we even have legitimate, licensed pain management Physicians, heading for the hills! They’re Not following the Hippocratic oath. These physicians are abandoning patients & putting many at high risk, myself included. The way that the chronic pain community has been treated, has been outrageous.

Please feel free to share this article on social media. Print it out and take it with you to your Dr. appointments. Let’s also share it far & wide through the news media channels as well. They’ve been getting it wrong & now need to help change the hysteria & damage that’s been created.

“We, the under signed, stand as a unified community of stakeholders and key opinion leaders deeply concerned about forced opioid tapering in patients receiving lolong-term prescription opioid therapy for chronic pain. This is a large-scale humanitarian issue. Our specific concerns involve:
— Read on academic.oup.com/painmedicine/advance-article/doi/10.1093/pm/pny228/5218985

Protected: What Really Happened Between NPR, USPF and Me?


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Untreated: The Healthcare Crisis-A Documentary


There are several people and organizations making Documentaries about pain patients getting “left behind” in all of the opioid hysteria right now.  A few that I’ve personally taken an interest in, are awesome. I feel that some Organizations, are trying to sway the chronic pain community into thinking that the physicians who are afraid to treat them now with any opioid therapy are correct in doing so.  There are those who promote techniques such as “grounding”, massage therapy, acupuncture and mindfulness as relief for life long chronic & painful illnesses.  There is a place for some of those things. If it is the patients choice, they could be added to other type of medicinal therapies, such as CBD oil, Medical cannabis, Kratom and/or Opioids.  But alone, these “alternative pain control therapies ” don’t help to control chronic &/or intractable pain permanently.  They also won’t help much when someone is living with high amounts of chronic pain from several illnesses on a daily basis. In my opinion, they won’t help someone who had been doing well on other medication therapies for many years and who suddenly got force tapered or stopped from something that gave them some semblance of a life, for over a decade in many cases.

But there is a new documentary coming out soon and it appears to be one of the best that I’ve seen. It looks very professional and it is in no way a “home video” or a “YouTube” video. It appears to be very well done and I really thought the message was and is clear.  Get the government out of the Doctor and patient exam rooms and relationships. Give the physicians back the power to decide along WITH their patients, what method is best suited for the control of their pain. Keep Hollywood, Andrew Kolodny and Dr. Phil out of our personal medical histories and give the chronic pain community back their lives. We are not expendable just because many are unable to work. Most of us worked for many years and paid into the Social Security program and had to have enough “points” from working, in order to receive the SSDI. So we are not “leaches” nor are we taking from our Government.  Most have been very dedicated to helping in society and being a part of every day life. Many chronic pain patients are former chefs, Interpreters, Secretaries and even teachers. Give us the benefit of the doubt and stop treating us like we are unworthy or expendable.

This documentary “Untreated: The Healthcare Crisis” is directed and produced by Time Thread Studios & their production crew, alongside Lauren DeLuca and Jayne Flanders. Lauren & Jayne are the original founders of CIAAG or “Chronic Illness Advocacy and Awareness Group”. They have a support group online and run a Nonprofit for chronically ill and disabled persons living with pain.  I have donated a small amount of $25.00 to this documentary because I believe in it. If you can contribute in any way, even $5.00 would help. If many people could donate even that amount, it would really help in getting this documentary out to the public.  What is stated in this documentary is true; “What we have is an epidemic of ignorance and fear and its ruining healthcare “.  The epidemic is not an “Opioid Epidemic” but one of instilling fear and panic to the non-pain community so they won’t truly understand.  Not until they or someone that they love is living with daily chronic pain and suffering due to the under treatment of pain today in the USA and Canada.

You’ll see in the movie’s trailer, that even the CEO of Reckitt Benckiser, Rakesh Kapoor has stated that “every major deal we’ve done actually, has created good value for share holders”. They are the makers of Suboxone, Bupenorphrine etc.  If you read a couple of my other articles (About Suboxone, Bupenorphrine & Naloxone and another Regarding Bupenorphrine- Suboxone and also Pain, Politics, Suboxone & Bupenorphrine ) regarding these drugs made for addiction, not pain; I believe that you will see a trail of money leading directly from them to this fake and manufactured Opioid “crisis”. “The goal is profits”, it says in the documentary’s trailer. It is without regard to the millions of chronic pain patients.  This movie will show how the Government is trying to control this “crisis” by limiting the supply of opioids for the pain community. It is stated that 319 medications have “no competition”.  The question arises “Is the FDA dragging their feet?” Also you will see that physicians are afraid to prescribe pain medications and we all know that is true. Then there is this statement, that “the intentional removal of effective pain medications”…. from people who live with daily chronic and high pain illnesses, “that is the definition of torture”.

The link to “Kickstarter.com” and the movie trailer is listed below. You’ll notice on the Kickstarter website that they have goals and various gifts for supporting this film.

Please check out this documentary and lets truly try to get this movie out to the public via Netflix and other venues. This documentary has our hearts and our souls in it. It is, in my opinion, a really effective trailer and the documentary, I believe, will even exceed our expectations.  “The pendulum has swung much too far in the wrong direction”, is another quote from “Untreated: The Pain Crisis” movie trailer. Please help by any donation that you can spare and/or by sharing the link below and/or this article to people in your own pain communities.

Click below, to see the trailer:

Untreated: The Healthcare Crisis Movie Trailer

Letter To Leaders of Oregon Forced Taper


Below I’ve copied the letter that I wrote to the leaders of the state of Oregon, regarding their new proposal for forced taper off of all opioids in their state:

To Leaders of the state of Oregon,

I am writing to you with a plea for all of your constituents, as well the entire chronic pain population in the USA. What you are proposing to do, by eliminating opioids, is considered torture by the World Health Organization. You are also setting a precedent for other states, if this action against all opioids goes through!

When I’m proposing a big change, even just in my own household; I try to put myself in the place of other family members that my change will affect. Please put yourself in the “shoes (so to speak)”, of the thousands & later on, millions of chronic pain patients that you’ll be affecting and in reality, torturing. If you remove all opioids from your state, the suicide rate will increase dramatically and many intractable pain patients and their families will suffer.

Please think about what you are doing to trauma victims, burn victims and people with horrible chronic pain illnesses and cancer. Would you want to suffer with daily horrible pain, or would you want to take something that has been working for possibly even a decade (or more); to give you some semblance of a life with your children, grandchildren and/or your family. 

Please reconsider this act of cruelty and torture on those living with chronic pain in your state (& then future areas as well).

Thank you for reading my letter and I truly hope that your conscience will help you make the right decision for people who live with pain 365/24/7. Also remember that it could be you or your child, wife or parent at any time. We never know from day to say, what might happen. One minute I was sipping lemonade at an art fair; the next moment, I was hit by a car when the driver ran through a red light. This started my life of pain and I never could have imagined what this new life would be like.

Peace & Hope,

Suzanne Stewart

**Below is a photo screenshot that I took Of the reply that I received back from them:

Walking Through The Day With a Pain Warrior


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This is not just a story about me, but a story that many pain warriors live through on a daily basis. I know because I talk to many of them often.  Much of this is “our story”. …..I awaken each day; the first thing that I do is cry inside of my head. My body lay still too long.  Four hours is too long! I feel pain and don’t want to get up, or move because I know it will hurt. I’m so tired of the pain. I lay there and contemplate rising to my feet.  I hear my husband call my name.  He always says “Hello my Love, Good Morning! Time to rise and shine!”  He tells our Kitty, Luna, to come and get me. She always listens to him and she enters our bedroom and meows for me to get on my feet. Still lying there, I think about the day ahead and wonder if it will be a busy day?  Will it be one in which I have to do a few things? Or will it be a day that I can be a bit quiet?

After 40 minutes has passed from the time I took my medication, I attempt to get up.  First I sit up and I feel the pain in my back. The Degenerative disc disease, Scoliosis, Spondylitis and multiple herniated and bulging discs, make it almost an impossible feat. The medication does help. It takes the pain down from a 9 to about a 5; and I finally get up.  But then there’s the stairs to tackle. I hold onto the rail and then I lean on the wall. I fumble my way down the stairs, as my cat scampers past me, ready for her cuddles on my way to the kitchen. First, I sit on the ottoman and pet her for a few moments and then it’s time for breakfast. My husband has already made the tea and has my toast ready to go.

He goes to work and I go to my chair, my recliner. In my spot, there is a pillow and a blanket and a settle in for a look on the computer.  What fantastic things have happened overnight on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram? I answer a few questions, maybe I help a few people in my support groups? People always volunteer to help me with my groups because they are becoming large for one person to handle on a daily basis. People mean well, but they are also in pain and have much going on in their lives.  Eventually they stop helping and I’m alone again.  I don’t want to give up, because some people just need someone to listen, anyone.  I like being that person. I want to help and do something of value with my life.

Maybe after awhile at the computer, I will either write a blog post, an article for the National Pain Report; or maybe I’ll sign a song that day.  I love the beauty of ASL and the way the emotions come out of my body, hands and face. I can feel something other than pain. Until I’m finished; and then the pain is worse.  I have to rest and take more medications. My husband comes home for lunch because he says that he likes to check in on me.  We’ve been married for 20 years and he always comes home for lunch. I am one lucky lady to have such a knight in shining armor at my side. He never complains about doing so much. He cleans, cooks and does the laundry; after mowing the lawn and fixing whatever needs repaired in the house. Still, he never complains.

In the afternoon, I may visit my granddaughters and my daughter who live only a few blocks away. I’m still able to drive for “personal errands” and for about 10 minutes at a time. If I visit them, I get lots of hugs and kisses and more love and life than you can even imagine. They are rays of sunshine in a world of pain.  They don’t understand that I am in pain and that’s a good thing for now.  I like to light up their faces and give them love and receive that same love in return. My daughter and I may do a couple of errands or have a coffee and chat. It seems like a nice day, right? It’s true, it’s the nicest day you could imagine. Then I come home and I sink into my recliner and sometimes my cat will come and sit with me.  Her love is unconditional and she seems to know when I’m in more pain than usual. She gives me comfort and love, unconditional love.  By that time it is 3:30 in the afternoon.  It’s been a full day and my pain has risen from the activities.  I can’t do anything else.  I don’t have the energy to make dinner anymore. The fatigue is deep and lasts for long periods of time.  I rest and sometimes I nod off in my chair. The cat jumps off of the chair and the back door opens.  My hero is home! The love of my life and my forever soul-mate comes home from another day at his job as a teacher. We muster up something to eat for dinner. Mostly, for him; because eating has become something difficult now. It’s not fun or anything I look forward to anymore. I have IBS, S.I.B.O., and Gastroparesis. There’s so much I’m incapable of eating now.  If I just throw caution to the wind, and eat to be social or “fun”; I suffer more.  There’s the nausea, constant nausea and burning whether it is high or low in my stomach; it’s awful either way.  Then if I eat just a tiny bit too much, I will be sick for hours afterwards. This is something that others don’t see or understand.  My husband sees and watches it from the other side. Then there are the others who I “talk to” on the other side of this computer. Many of them truly do understand.

Then, my friends; it is evening time. The sun goes down and we watch some Television together and maybe read or “play” on the internet for awhile.  All too soon, it is 10:30 pm and my husband goes up to bed. He. has to work in the morning.  He kisses me goodnight and tells me not to stay up too long.  I tell him that I will come to bed as soon as I feel like I’m able to sleep.  Time goes by and it’s one in the morning, then 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM.   I start to nod off as I’m messaging the other “night owls” who are my fellow pain warriors. They are with me at night, because they too cannot sleep either.  We try to give each other support and the strength to persevere.  Finally, the sparks of chatter start to diminish online.  I too, feel like I truly want sleep to come and save me from my body and the pain that is within. Much of the pain is physical, but there is no lack of mental anguish.

***I come from a family that doesn’t know or care that I exist. They are called “M.N.’s” or Malignant Narcissist’s.  I try to stay away, keep my distance. For some reason, I cannot “let go” totally.  Maybe I feel that I owe them something for bringing me into this world. But truly it’s been nothing but pain and abuse as far back as I can remember. Then the failed marriages because I didn’t know how to feel love until I met my soul-mate, Craig. We’ve been married 20+ years now. I thank God for him every day because nobody has ever truly loved me until I met him. Some people ask me why I always go back for more abuse and more pain? I guess he’s still my father and one of my two brothers is still my brother. The other one, I cannot even discuss and won’t.  My oldest brother used to try and protect me, but one day he stopped.  It was the day that I told our family “secrets”. That is when my father took his revenge and turned everyone he could, against me.  I’m not sure why they listen to him? I’ve always been kind hearted, loving and as good a person as I can be. But now the entire family, including dozens of cousins, have shoved me “under the rug”. I am an an outcast.  None of them will talk to me or even look at me if we meet.

I don’t get invited to the very very large family reunions.  Even though I was the only one in my nuclear family that ever attended those functions.  I always took my children to them while they were growing up. I wanted them to have a sense of “family” and belonging. I helped my one cousin, the only one who is the same age as me. She is 6 months older and I always got her “hand-me-downs”. I went for food when she had her big garage sales. I helped her when the family turned against her as her mother was dying. I told her not to let them “punish” her and told her to hold her head up high. They were so mean to her because she couldn’t let her mother come and stay with her when she was very sick and dying. I felt her pain as she told me the stories of her abusive childhood;  we could relate to one another.

But **one day, in 2002, I was in a terrible car accident which started all of the physical pain. No one came for me except my husband. Again, my knight in shining armor there with me and at my side through thick and thin, good and bad.  ***My cousin said she couldn’t come to our house and sit with me for awhile so my husband could do errands. I couldn’t be left alone as I could not even go to the bathroom or dress/undress myself or.    cut my own food. She said that “seeing me in so much pain, made her depressed.  If she was depressed, then her family would suffer.”  Therefore, she could not see me anymore. I’ve not seen her again except at a couple of funerals, but she won’t even look at me. ****I went to my favorite Aunt’s funeral yesterday.  It was in a church and my dad didn’t come because he would have had to have been “nice to me”; and then they might know that we’ve tried to “talk a little bit now and then” again.  Only one cousin spoke to me and only one other even looked my way and smiled.  My Aunts children were welcoming. They knew that their mom and I had a relationship. My cousin, her daughter, told me “mom wouldn’t have had it any other way”; when I thanked her for “letting me come to the funeral”.

**I watched my family all sitting in the same church, singing “Let there Be Peace on Earth”. While the words came out of their mouths, there was no peace in that room.  Only a gathering of many who really don’t know each other anymore, but had one thing in common.  That one thing was the love for a woman who knew how to live and how to love. So you see, there is physical pain and there are other kinds of pain. Some of these exacerbate the others. We just have to surround ourselves with those who want us in their lives.  Those who want to give and receive; or share love with us.

When my head finally hits the pillow at night, I lie down and listen to my husband’s breathing. So glad to hear those sounds of life and know that this person beside me has truly shown me what real love is all about.  I never knew if I would have that, some people never get to know it.  People who are “damaged” like me, have a hard time very often knowing the difference between real love and hurtful kinds of “twisted” love.  I’m fortunate to know this man and lucky to have his love and to have him to love. I try to let the sleep come to me. Relax, sigh and listen to the breath sounds and the sound of the cat purring next to me. This is my real “medicine” in life.  They, along with my children and grandchildren are what makes me happy. I try to remember these thoughts as I fitfully sleep for a few hours, only to wake up to the “fear” of getting up on my feet once more again tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

Support Groups,Chronic Pain, And Why Kindness Matters


 

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When we are in pain, it sometimes can be hard to see another persons pain as well.  I have founded and am Administrator for several Support groups online. Some are for chronic illnesses & pain. While others are for fun and socializing. I’ve noticed that my group for people who love Cats,”The Scratching Post”; is very different than my other groups that are in support of people living with different kinds of pain. The reason that they are so different is because people who are just there to hang out and talk about the silliness of Cats  are usually thinking more positive thoughts and they’re in their happy place. Those of us who struggle with pain, may feel a various number of emotions. We bring those emotions into the group setting. Luckily, in the support groups that I run; I have not had any trouble with drama, in-fighting or bullying whatsoever.  I tend to think that it is because I have been the sole administrator and I take care of anything and everything Before it happens. I always check the “new requests” very thoroughly. I try to keep my groups safe from harm or any kind of researchers that want to “study” us/them. I have had people pretend to be someone who is in pain and they request to join my support group online. A long while back, I had a few interns from various countries, who wished to “study” the persons with CRPS or Invisible illnesses, so they tried to join one of my support groups. I have not ever asked their reasons because they don’t even get that far. I just don’t let them join my groups.

A few of the the ways that I keep my groups safe are by doing a few simple tasks before allowing someone to  join. I look for “signs” on their pages and I ask them several questions via private message. If their page is bare, without even a cover photo or profile picture; I don’t even pursue their request to join. If it just looks a bit “private” but they’ve been on Facebook for several years, then I ask them the questions that I will post below for you. If they have a few friends in my support group(s), or if they are referred by someone in the group; I usually just welcome them to the group and don’t check much more. I will ask the person who referred them or the people they have as their “friends”, if they know them well or if they are just an acquaintance?  Here are a few of the questions that I ask a prospective new member in one of my online support groups:

  • First I will make a statement something like : “Hello, my name is Suzanne and I’m the founder/admin. for the group that you have asked to join (then I name the group)”.  Then I’ll say, “Please don’t feel singled out, because I ask all prospective members the same questions. I like to just get to know you a little bit to make sure that you are in the right group for what you want/need.”
  • Secondly, I will ask them How did you find this group? What were you searching for?(Because my groups are mostly private, which means they can be seen in name only but the posts are private)….this also helps both of us make sure that they’re in the right place.
  • Then I might ask, What makes you want to join this type of group? Do you live with __ or __? (*Chronic illness, invisible illnesses and/or RSD/CRPS), or are you a Caregiver?
  • Next, I will say “When were you diagnosed? Where do you live?”
  • Then I will check everything out and usually allow them to join
  • If they don’t or won’t answer any of the questions, I don’t allow them into my groups. There are many other groups out there and I just want my members to feel safe.
  • If their page has zero information, zero photos and nothing that you can see whatsoever, that is a bad sign and I just usually “ignore” that request to join.

Some ideas for Administrators and moderators of groups already ongoing are:

  • Check the group regularly and just look over the new posts as they come in. Respond as soon as possible.
  • Look for abusive language &/or aggressive behaviors
  • Watch for a person that may be “picked on” or who has the anger of the group “dumped” on them. Act accordingly to figure out and fix the problem.
  • If you have spoken to someone a couple of times and they are rude to you or other members, it’s time to take them out of your group for the members’ sake
  • Ask for help, as I just recently started doing. I just couldn’t be everywhere and do it all. I asked for volunteers, for people who wanted to do some of the things that I cannot keep up with. Such as checking out all of the new members. Watching for any abusive, nasty or negative language or posts; and then telling me about them. Then I can decide whether to delete the post or talk to the person. Either way I will speak to the writer of those kinds of posts; it’s just a matter of before or after I delete it. My new moderators have the choice if it is a very abusive post to just delete it and tell me who and what, later.
  • Make sure that if you do ask for help, you choose people that you relate well with. Also persons who you have known for quite a while and you trust them and their judgement.

Unfortunately, many of us with Chronic pain issues and illness,  don’t always have the most supportive families or friends. These types of people also try to show up in groups to find out information for the “family”. That is another article in and of itself about Malignant Narcissist’s or abusers. If you have a supportive family, that is half the battle; it’s wonderful for you and that alone can help with your healing.

Whether you are a founder/administrator, a moderator or a member of an online support group.  Try to think first before you write, or at least before  you hit the “send” button. Remember that in Facebook support groups, you have the chance to go back and delete what you have written. Just in case you were terribly upset (we all can feel that way sometimes) and you want to get rid of your post before another person’s feelings get hurt or worse. Never carry private or specific information from one group to another. If in doubt, always ask the administrator(s). If you want to re-post an article or something similar, then go to the original Website  where that article was posted and share straight from there. This way you aren’t taking a post from one group and sharing with others. Usually  it is impossible to “share” between private groups anyways; but just in case.

We all continue to learn and grow in our lives each day. I’ve made mistakes before and I try to make amends or change whatever I can, so that I don’t repeat the error of my ways. I do my best to think first before I react or say something to another person, whether they are a friend or foe. Regardless if they are online in a group or out in the world in some kind of group setting. We are all humans and everyone feels hurt when someone is downright rude or is treating us badly. I want to add that if you are going to comment either way about something that someone has said, written or done; always be sure that you know all of the facts first. Don’t just read one line of something that someone has written, and then make a rude or cutting remark.  Don’t try to guess what someone means when they write a sentence or two in a group post online.  Sometimes the short or hastily written words cannot depict the true feelings, ideas or thoughts of a group member.  Keep in mind that some people are better at expressing themselves with spoken words and others are better at writing. Try to not get bothered by the small things, and think about what the “tone” of the words feel like to you; even if you might’ve said it differently.

When all is said and done, remember that we all inhabit this internet world together. We need to be as kind, loving and gentle as possible. There are always times when we say or do the wrong things. What we do afterwards, or the next time; is what matters most. Be kind and remember that the person you are upset with may have a whole mountain of issues, illnesses or problems that you don’t even know about.  That doesn’t give them the right to abuse or hurt you or others in any way. But just get away & remove yourself from the situation whenever possible. It never hurts to explain yourself, if  you feel that someone has gotten it wrong or judged you wrongly.

Lastly, please remember in the support groups for chronic pain, illness, grief, abuse survivors etc….these people are hurting a bit more than the average amount.  Try to be understanding and be a good listener, especially in a support group.  Give hurting members; those who are in much pain either physically or emotionally, a little leeway. Remember to be gentle and kind.  If you felt hurt by the actions or words of another member in your support group, step back for a moment and think. If you forget and then  realize that you retaliated against someone in a group, because you felt angry or hurt; try to make amends. Try to put yourself in someone Else’s situation, if you know it. If not, then try to just be thoughtful of others feelings. Treat them how you would like to be treated.  Remember that Kindness matters!

How To Cope With Pain And The Holiday Grinch’s (Narcissists)



The holidays are hard for many people especially those in pain. Also for people with depression, chronic illnesses, invisible diseases and disabilities; the holidays are filled with exhaustion, exasperation, loss, loneliness, pain and so on. Everyone would love the perfect picture holiday with the warm fireplace, the loving family all around, the dog sleeping on the floor and the cat on the hearth. People wish for all kinds of things from true love to toy cars. But most of all, everyone pretty much wants the same thing: a quiet, peaceful home with a loving family all around to celebrate – and maybe even feel well for a few days. 
While others are out participating in the hustle and bustle of the holiday frenzy; those of us with chronic pain are still living and coping with our illnesses. We are still in pain while trying to do all of these “things” that are expected of us. Our children, our families and friends may indeed love us, but they all want Christmas to arrive in all of it’s glory, regardless of our pain and fatigue. The things that we live with on a daily basis do not go away for the holidays. We don’t get a “holiday vacation” like everyone else does. We must push on, endure and put a smile on our face. When we really feel like sleeping, wincing, sitting, resting and sometimes just crying. My advice for all of us living with chronic pain, invisible illnesses and unrelenting fatigue; is that we need to take “time outs”. Take a look at the large picture for a moment and break it down into small increments. Take on one task at a time and stop when you feel the need to stop. Don’t push yourself, as that’ll keep the pain cycle going. Please stop and rest; give your body a chance to mend for a few hours or take the day “off.” You are allowed to do this, no matter what your conscience tells you to do.

There are many of us with chronic illness, who also have invisible illnesses, such as Dysautonomia/POTS, CFS/ME and/or PTSD. It feels as though these illnesses are rarely acknowledged. We need to make sure that we take care of ourselves first, especially during the holidays. This means that when we feel the fatigue coming on, STOP right away! Don’t keep going until it takes much longer to recuperate. There are those who may have MN’s in their family or group of closest friends. That stands for “Malignant Narcissists.” Those are the people who always put their needs ahead of yours. Stay away from them, keep your distance!! The MN’s use the holidays as a time to preach, cause hysteria, pain and grandstand. They are like vampires and will suck the life right out of you if you allow it. You “feel” as though you don’t have a choice, but you really do!! If you are trying to avoid conflict by pretending that it’s “OK” or “not that bad;” then you will end up with increasing pain, more fatigue, internal conflict and much more than what you bargained for. You’ll never get what you think you deserve out of those relationships. They won’t ever be “warm and fuzzy.” They will always put restrictions on you, rules for you to follow. It may be outward or it can be mind games that they play. If you cannot physically get away from them during the holidays, if you must be at the same gathering…..emotionally leave the room!! You need to do this for your own mental and physical well being.

We don’t all have families with the “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” kind of holiday. Some of us get “Jack Frost nipping at our noses!!” We may not have the “Halls decked with holly and people kissing under mistletoe.” Because in families with “MN’s” you will forever have “Grandma getting run over by a reindeer” and many, many games!! If you MUST spend the holidays with these kind of people, if this is your family tree, then the name of the game is “keeping sane and learning to survive.” It’s not about having fun and singing Christmas carols, it’s about surviving the “Big Chill” that you feel in their presence. Be there if you must, in your body, but make your mind be someplace happy and do not get into conversations with them. You must protect yourself and your children. Don’t say “Oh it’s not that bad,” or “they didn’t mean it that way,” or “you don’t understand them like I do.” Because YES I do! I’m trying to help you make it through the days when we are supposed to be “laughing all the way!!” Usually it is the narcissists, who are “Laughing all the way” and they definitely know what they’re doing. When you can stay away, then do it. When you can avoid inviting them into your life, please do so! But when all else fails,”leave the conversation” at least in your heart, mind and soul. Though your body may be there, you don’t have to be!!! Try to never have the party at your own house when you have MN’s for relatives – because then you are trapped and you cannot leave or get away. They will know they have you like a spider has a fly in his web. All you can do is squirm and squiggle but you cannot leave!

Try to take a step back during the holidays, make a personal space boundary. Keep your distance and stick by those who will not persecute you, make fun of you, be nasty or hurt you. The “MN’s” can get you upset, angry and crying; then fly to “save” you. Those who say the word “love” but never know how to really show it, except with unloving examples of unkindness; along with displays of abnormal affection; don’t truly know what “LOVE” is. They aren’t thinking of you, your pain, illness, or your feelings – and they don’t see what they are doing to you or your quality of life. The honest and only way to avoid the pain of the holidays with Malignant Narcissist’s, is to be with only those who truly love you back and with whom you trust. People who truly love you and won’t hurt you – at least not on purpose.

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Try to enjoy your holidays with a smaller amount of people in your circle. If you are living with chronic physical pain; the emotional pain and stress can take its toll on your body even at a higher rate than usual. There are loving, calm and quiet things that you can do with your own “little” family. You can look at lights in the neighborhoods, order pizza and watch holiday movies. But remember that life is not normally like those holiday movies filled with “perfect” families, etc. Unfortunately, we have to learn to survive and help teach our children not to be controlled by the MN’s of the family and friend pool. Life is so much more “choice” than you might think. You don’t “HAVE to” do much of anything that you don’t want to do, except to try to survive. Love those who are lovable and who love you back. But I don’t mean to stop loving the unlovable. I just mean to love them from a distance so that you cannot be “touched” by their damaged spirits or hurt by their abuse.

Good luck, and don’t lie to yourself, we all know that fruitcake really stinks! Just because it is a “holiday” thing….you don’t have to like it or eat it….so just because they are your “family,” you don’t have to like them or spend time with them unless you want to!! Enjoy your holidays as much as possible and take care of your family, your children, your fur babies; and most importantly, yourself!