Days #3 And #4 *(And beginning of Day #5) -Withdrawals from Fentanyl Lollipop


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Hi Luvs,

Ten years I’ve been on those Fentanyl lollipops for Breakthrough pain. My GP, Dr. Peter Bullach, kept on telling me “TRUST ME’….”NO WORRIES, you’re out of that hospital bed and out doing a few things now”…..he’d say “Let me be the eye in the middle of your storm”….well that all went to HELL when he decided to get into some kind of trouble for writing too many prescriptions while the DEA decided they’d better check into him and they clearly did because now he’s working at an urgent care in Jackson, MI “Med Express” on NW ave. Except don’t go there if you want prescriptions because he’s unable to write them…yep..”THOSE” kind….not anymore…I’m so angry I could just spit. I’ve never hurt anyone, never will and never wanted to…I always just end up hurting myself….I just wish he hadn’t done this to me and now I’m just whining..

So it’s gone through now Day #4 and starting Day #5 and today I went to the Univ. of Toledo Medical Ctr. and saw the famous Dr. Blair Grubb and his Posse actually! I had my pacemaker checked and saw Dr Beverly but she felt badly but couldn’t do anything for me really?? She pretty much gave me a soft hug and sent me on my way and told me that I’d see the Dr next time in just a few months. Im upset because once again they have those new “patient online portals” and they have half of my information incorrect. UGGH What is wrong why cannot they get things straight?? I wonder how much was wrong when I didn’t even know about it?  It made me angry and I want it fixed because I don’t like my information, my medical info wrong. I wrote a note and told them to please fix it!!

Today has been the worst day ever so far. I cried probably 90% OF THE day. I writhed on the couch and couldn’t concentrate on even my Iphone or computer or anything. I finally slept some when I convinced Craig to call my new GP and ask for Clonadine after I  had read on a forum for people going through withdrawals from something online. It says if you can get it , it may help calm you down and help with pain. So I tried that also now and it did finally help me calm down to sleep on the couch awhile tonight. Also I did not take the Dilaudid because it just keeps making me sick to my stomach as if it’s going to explode along with my body which feels as though it is soooo much on fire that I’m surprised I haven’t spontaneously combusted yet!! UGhh…this isn’t going to be a long one because I can barely eek out this one at all. But I wanted people to know how I’m doing and it seems as though they want to know and are interested.

So today we went to Univ. of Toledo Med ctr. to see my Dysautonomia/POTS /Neuro-Cardiologist and they just saw me in my wheelchair with my blankets over me for pain and heat as I go between freezing cold and wanting to blow up from heat and feeling of being on fire!! So they couldnt do much….I had hoped that they would do more but they just didnt.

Therefore I spent the better part of the day there, in the car and at home on my couch crying and writhing in pain and feeling so out of touch as far as feeling like I want to stretch and yawn and sneeze all of the time and feeling jittery and then I have ativan for that but who’s going to help me get off of all of this crap later?  The Pain Dr. said the Fentanyl suckers were “DANGEROUS” but how much more dangerous can they be? I’m on the patch all of these years and so are many many people. Its Fentanyl and its all the same. I’m not a drug addict and my body may be dependent but I’m still not an addict. That’s not fair when I never asked for any of this and never even took an aspirin for a headache prior to all of this !!

I wonder if my Dr’s received their letters in the mail yet? Maybe tomorrow huh? I hope that it at least makes them think and not hurt anyone else…Although they are so arrogant it probably won’t matter at all to them. Especially Dr Dobritt, he probably won’t even read it himself. His little teeny bopper clerk will probably read it for him and protect him from “mean and bad me”!!! Well starting day #5 now and it’s not gotten better but only worse and I will be calling the pain Dr today.and I want to ask him if there’s any kind of shorter or quicker acting pain relief that I can have because the Dilauded is chewing up my stomach and I am having a terrible time of it. I thought by now I’d be writing to you how great I’m doing and so happy to be done and feeling so strong! But NOOOO…intsead I’m feeling whiny and miserable, crying and in writhing and in pain. Im so tired of diarrhea and stomach cramps and not being able to sleep and when I awaken in the morning and now not being able to take that sucker, I have to lay there for about an hour to 45 mins. before I can even get up or try to get up!! Itfe feels like I’m getting up on broken feet that have glass in  them and they’re broken in a hundred places…then it feels like my hands just hurt and want to explodell Getting up in the morning is the hardest of all and I dont like doing it without help and my husband wants to get up early to go get me a Dilauded so after 45 mins it can maybe work?? But they are not working for some reason for me…I took them for emergency pain help for severe pain afer a fall or a surgery and they seemed to help…they just are not made for me to take every 3 hours…I cannot….IM not…what am I going to do??? We called and got the Catapress or (Clonandine) to help calm me and help with the withdrawals and the pain…so remember that one folks…try to have Ativan or Xanax or something like that along with Imodium or whatever you can use for diarrhea and also get something to help with nausea like I did. Now I had to get TIGAN because it was the only one that didnt’ interact with either the pain patch nor the other stuff i’m on…but the Tigan has not worked for me at all. It did not help my diarrhea instead it made it worse. It also did nothing for my nausea….just saying…trying to help..

Gotta go try and get some sleep feeling really bad and gonna start to cry again…love,suzanne xo

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Day #2 Withdrawals from Fentanyl Lollipops


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Well my friends, today is the end of the 2nd full day of my withdrawals from the major doses of Fentanyl Lollipops that my old GP had me on for the past 10, 11 years now. Yes….I do have many high pain issues but he should not have done this to me. Nothing I can do now, I cannot whine or complain because I must get to the business of getting off of these totally and never going back. But I cannot say that I’m not afraid. The suckers are so far the only thing that have worked for my horrible pain! Everything else either makes me really sick with awful side effects and nausea or it doesn’t seem to work well for me.  Today I’ve felt a little bit less of the “wanting” for the suckers. I have felt chills and I have also felt as though I am going to burn on fire until I am just ashes on the floor. I feel so hot …..no..you just don’t understand….I feel so hot and I sweat and I’ve had this feeling all through my RSD/CRPS too, but this is even more powerful. It wakes me up at night and I’m soaking wet and I just wanna “die”. No …,not really. …I don’t want to leave this world or die…it’s more of a “feeling” when that happens that I just need for it to end right then and I cannot take it for another moment.

Today, I had to go to my GP…it’s only my 2nd time seeing him. I am unsure about him. The other one, my old one..he did take over when his partner left after 12 years. He did get me the meds that I needed to keep me from being so deathly ill or dying. I think that he thinks the only reason I went to him was for the suckers. Well, he used to be my full time GP and I started seeing his “new” partner 12 years ago  because he was so “nice” to me and kind when I was hospitalized for pain control. I had been a  patient at first of the Dr. who has taken over since my GP of 12 yrs left abruptly after over medicating many of his patients including me . **My former Dr/GP went to an urgent care in Jackson Michigan called Med express. He cannot write controlled substances anymore because the FEDS came into their office and he was found to be over medicating people. Unfortunately, I am one of them. I have been a trooper, motivated and trying with all of my might to get lower and lower doses of the pain suckers since January 2015. I got down 80% and now since Sunday night going to bed with one in my mouth, I’ve had ZERO….NADA….NONE!!! I’m now in my 2nd full day and at the end of it actually.

I was a patient there actually since 1986 and the Dr. who has taken over my care, WAS and had been my GP since that time and until I asked the “new Dr” to be my GP when I was hospitalized in 2002 following a MVA. I only stopped seeing the first Dr. because of my parents, who had been horribly abusive on many levels while growing up and even as I was an adult and I confided in him. He helped me to get my SSDI and he believed in me. Until one day 10 years later, my parents walked into his office and started becoming his patients. Instead of him telling them that it was a breech of some kind or unethical or something, he came to my patient room and told me “wow your parents are now my patients too! They seem like nice people and they say that they’ve done none of the things you alleged that they’ve done!! You seem like a nice person too and now I don’t know who to believe”??? Well, that was enough then and there I got up and left that practice. I tried a few other Dr’s but didn’t really like any of them. Then after the car accident I got scared because I knew so much was wrong and I had so much pain issues. I needed to go back where my records were and where someone knew me and my history. I told him what I thought about what he said and did and then the new dr arrived on the scene and to make matters easier for everyone, I started seeing him, Dr. Pete Bullach Jr MD.

Well, he helped me and told me that he would “be the eye in the middle of my storm”. I wouldn’t allow anyone else to prescribe meds for me. We tried many different pain meds and they all made me ill, sick, and left with my pain. They didn’t work for me and 99% gave me very bad stomach issues including pain and cramps. I finally found the suckers and they worked for me. They worked for 10 years for me. I did suffer from a heart attack shortly after starting them and then one year later I suffered a CVA. Who knows if the suckers were the culprit or if it was the TBI or any other number of reasons? But I’ve since read that the Fentanyl lollipops long term, can cause such problems with health. The pain Dr. I have now and who I’ve only seen one time so far and will see again at the beginning of August, he says that they are for “end of life” and they are “very dangerous”. I don’t understand the dangerousness of them though? Why am I able to stay on the Fentanyl patch and take Dilauded but these are not dangerous?? I guess I just don’t understand. I am just blindly doing what I have to do because either way I need to get off of some of these things because I absolutely HATE feeling “married” to these pain meds and the men with the power to write them for me.  The Government thinks they know what pain patients need and they think they know which kinds of pain are worse than other kinds of pain. Who are they or anyone to say that One pain illness is more painful that my very painful pain diseases called “COMPLEX REGIONAL PAIN SYNDROME” or “CRPS aka RSD”…??? I will never understand but I don’t care. I am strong and have always been strong. I don’t like the feelings of withdrawals and as of day #2, today, I don’t crave the “sucker” part so much. But in waves I feel terrible and in pain and tired, exhausted and sick. I don’t know what will happen but I pray that this new pain Dr will be good to me and keep on believing in me …

I dont know if I have shown you the letter that I have written to the : Dr who took over for my old doc who got into trouble, to my old GP who is at the Urgent care now and the same letter was sent out to the pain Dr who took good care of me and I was a good patient of his from 2002-2005, but when I went back for help at the beginning of this ordeal on January 2nd, 2015, he refused to help me or see me unless he could pass me off to a “friend of his” to be “screened” first by him  because he must not trust his own judgement? I’ve sent them all a letter and I would love to share that letter with you. Below please see a copy of it. I do praise the one doc for helping to take over me and help me through this even though I’ve heard that there are and have been very very many that he just totally “threw overboard” and “let go” and gave them a script and sent them on their way and told them “not to come back”. These were legitimate pain patients because I knew or know a couple of them. I feel or felt the need to get out what I needed to say. I truly am thankful for the one Dr/GP for helping me to go down 80% off of the suckers. But I had no choice in the matter. I was and am at the mercy of all of these people and I absolutely hate it. With my background of abuse and PTSD, it pains me to have someone else in charge of me and my care. I can only hope that the new Dr will continue to believe in me and care for me in a kind and caring way and never give up on me.

So here I sit at the end of day #2 and I’m feeling very very ill, hot and burning up as if to be on fire!  I feel cramps and runny nose and eyes and cannot eat much or hold in anything much. I’ve been trying to to drink but when I have hot drink, I burn up and when I have cold drink, I feel freezing cold. Everything is screwed up and I feel like I am unable to concentrate on anything. I am vlogging this experience on YOU TUBE also. So far they are “private” and if you want to watch them, please email me : suzannebstewart@aol.com and I will put you allowed to watch the videos. There are 2 so far and they are dark and made at night, very late when I’ve been feeling my very worst.  Thank you for your interest and I hope one day that this account of my days going through this ordeal, will help someone.  Also, things that help with the fire or “on fire” feeling are : cold paks that are in the fridge, around my neck and cold drinks. When I’m hot I try wearing light clothing and drink more cold drinks as I’ve said and I’ve been sitting stilll, quite still. I’m having a hard time with concentration too. Please check out the letter that I’ve sent out to all 3 Dr’s, below…..thank you again, Suzanne

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The Letter:

July 13,2015
Dear Dr’s Brateman, Bullach and Dobritt;
I am writing one letter in the same, to all three of you. First of all, to save myself the work of trying to say many of the same things to all 3 of you. Also, this way you’ll be able to better understand how I felt about the breakdown of our patient/Dr. relationships.
First of all, I want to say “thank you ” to Dr. Brateman, for allowing me to stay on as a patient and help me reduce my pain medications. Between Jan 1st and July 13, 2015, I brought myself down to Zero, from the huge amount of Fentanyl prescribed for me (by Dr. Bullach). Dr. Brateman was the only physician who had the guts to stick by me. I’m a chronic pain patient with quite a list of real and horrible pain issues, including Systemic “CRPS!
I have been through a lot in my life, but this has got to be right up on top with the worst treatment of a human being that I’ve personally felt. I’m astounded and ashamed at the treatment I’ve received from Dr Bullach , who told me for 12 years to “trust him” only to be betrayed and left to suffer on my own, if not for Dr. Brateman.
Next, I went to my scheduled appointment on Jan 2, 2015 with Dr. Dobritt. He informed me that he “never received a letter, records or a phone call from Dr. Bullach regarding my case”. Another deception by Dr Bullach. During that same appointment, Dr Dobritt initially indicated that he supported the treatment regimen that Dr. Bullach had me on. But then he “back peddled” and referred me to another pain Dr. I told him that I didn’t wish to see another Dr. I’ve already seen multiple specialists as a result of a MVA in 2002. He’d been my pain Dr. for 3 years following that MVA and I had trusted him.
I went back to Dr. Dobritt in April 2015, after I had gotten myself down 80% from the Fentanyl prescribed originally by Dr. Bullach. I thought he would be proud of me. Imagine my shock & dismay when I arrived and Dr Dobritt refused to see me. He sent a clerk to tell me that he would not see me because I had not gone to be screened by the other pain Dr. prior to this appointment. I cried and begged for him to help me. I was afraid and felt alone in my physical pain and feelings of betrayal and mistrust with the medical professionals who are bound to “first do no harm” according to their own creed. I felt betrayed by his obvious attempt to pass me off to another Dr. instead of helping me.
Because of my own tenacity, I have since found a caring pain Dr. who has helped me get completely off of my former regimen of pain meds. He was equally appalled at the way I had been treated by physicians that I had trusted. Dr. Bullach, your actions; and Dr. Dobritt, your inaction, put my health and possibly my life at risk. You should both be ashamed at the way you treated me and you left Dr. Brateman to clean up your mess. I hope that the two of you do some soul searching and NEVER treat another human being the same way that you have treated me.
With deep sadness, Suzanne Stewart

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Tears Of Truth…..My Story..


pie chart of causes of traumatic brain injury
pie chart of causes of traumatic brain injury (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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      I am an Interpreter for the Deaf, that’s what I went to a 4 year university to become!  I worked at the University of  Michigan hospitals as a secretarial “float”.  I  was paged whenever a Deaf person came into the clinics, hospital or E.R. and  I  would go to them to aid communication between the Doctor and patient.  

    Then in 1998 my *(see below)*abusive family got worse when I confronted them!  Depression and anxiety set in, although,  I finally felt safe with my new husband.   I started having Flashbacks and nightmares.  I  was granted  SSDI for CKDII,& PTSD (Chronic Kidney Disease stage II and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  I was going to try and go back to work in Fall of 2002, but that plan changed abruptly on Aug 11th, 2002.   A man arguing with his wife, ran through a red light and totaled our van and  my body!   I suffered:  an MTBI *(mild traumatic brain injury) & 3 yrs of TBI *(traumatic brain injury) rehabilitation.  I was horribly injured and in so much pain!  I had been knocked unconscious for about 20-30 minutes.  I was hurt in so many places and weighing only 90 lbs didn’t help me at all!  Both of my knees and both of my shoulders were torn.   My right  biceps tendon tore right off of the bone on my  right side. My right ankle and my right foot were injured.  My ears suffered nerve hearing loss (*I now have 2 hearing aids) and my eyes suffered some nerve damage as well.  Many lower back & neck disks were/are herniated, ruptured and bulging.  As time went on I ended up with two frozen shoulders.  I went through 8 yrs of Physical therapy, 3 yrs of  TBI rehab, and underwent 9 surgeries; including  2 screws in my left shoulder and an intramuscular pacemaker, twice in 10 years now.  My first one was placed inside of my pectoral muscle because of its vulnerability inside of my chest at such a low weight.  But 10 yrs later they did plastic surgery to rebuild my pectoral muscle because the pacemaker had worn right through the muscle wall!   

   Sadly, in 2004, my 18 yr old daughter left home because of reasons I won’t write here. My heart was literally broken! I had a heart attack one week after Mother’s Day, in 2005.  The cardiologist said that I was “his first case of “Broken Heart Syndrome“…my daughters were my life and I raised them 98% on my own! I had left my ex-husband, the father of my two girls, after an 8 year abusive marriage, in which he also cheated on me  several times.  He was an abusive Sheriff’s Deputy who was fired for “hurting another girl besides me!” He was given a jury trial and found “Guilty” of “Obscene conduct” and “Indecent exposure” (which were truly lesser charges than what actually happened!) . His punishment ended up being that he can never be in law enforcement again.  He also couldn’t see our two daughters, then 31/2 & 6 years old, without a supervisor approved by the court. He was abusive towards me and to our Rottweiler, ‘Bully boy”. He pushed down our then 3 year old little girl, because she “wasn’t hurrying fast enough”.  He pounded my oldest daughter on the top of her head when she was in tears over him kicking our family dog in the head and neck, as she cried “daddy don’t hurt Bully Boy”! While hitting her on top of her head, he said “I’m the dad and I can do whatever I want”!! He left his service revolver out on top of the window sill and on the back of the toilet seat! When my youngest was 2 years old, she brought it to me saying “Mommy, what is this for?” Needless to say, they took his guns away from him and he was punished after that incident and then swearing to “shoot all of us and himself!” There’s so much more…too much to write here except for one thing that sticks out in my mind so sharply.  During the time when my ex-husband could still see our girls, before he was convicted and found “Guilty” and only allowed supervised visitation; he had taken them for the weekend. They came home and told me that “daddy had a girl in his bed”. They told me that my youngest who was then 3 years old, had vomited in the bed that they shared in the apartment he lived in, that was attached to his parents house. Our oldest, who was just 5 1/2 yrs old, went upstairs crying to him and knocking on his bedroom door. She was crying and saying that her little sister had thrown up in their bed. He told her to “shut up and leave him alone”!  She was 5 years old and had to try to take care of her sick 3-year-old sister, while trying to clean up vomit on her sister and the bed !  Needless to say, that was their last visit with him unsupervised. We had to go to the Domestic violence shelter and we had interviews with Child and Family Services. They sided with me and recommended “supervised visitation and anger management classes”.  The judge agreed with their recommendation. He was embarrassed and angry, therefore he moved 1,000 miles away barely ever seeing his daughters. He was angry and wanted “revenge” on me for “taking away his kids”.  I did not do that though;  he did it to himself and then the judge ordered it!

Atrial fibrillation
Atrial fibrillation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  I was never ordered to do anything but I still sent him photos, invited him to public school and other events in their lives and his parents as well. I took the girls to visit his parents who lived about an hour from us, here in Michigan at least once every month and each Christmas day they went to see them from noon until 7:00pm! I even drove them to and from their home which was an hours drive from our apartment.

   Later,  in 2006, after my  heart attack, I acquired “Atrial Fibrillation” *(Atrial fibrillation is when the heart muscle quivers and shakes, spitting out little blood balls or clots which can cause strokes) and therefore ended up suffering  a CVA *(cerebellar Vascular accident) or “stroke” from the A-Fib! I had already been on blood thinners but apparently I needed a bigger dose!     It’s been since 2004, & my oldest daughter has never wanted to see me or speak to me.  In 2007, I texted her and said “I Love you and I’m thinking about you.” She called me back and asked me to meet her and we did. We met twice and had lunch, but it did not work out very well. Another time she texted my cell phone and it was 2008 or so….she texted “Suzanne, why do you think people care about you?  THEY DON’T!!”….I fell apart once again.      

    I recently had my 9th surgery this year in February 2013….a new pacemaker and a rebuild of my Pectoral muscle!  Then on August,the 5th, 2013, I’ll be having my 10th surgery, oral surgery!  I found out that my oldest daughter got married in Oct, 2009 and to the same boy she wanted to sleepover night with while still in High school.   That was the episode that led up to her leaving home, because I said “No” (that she could not have my permission to sleep over at a boy’s house while still in High School)! I also found out that I  am a Grandmother to a little girl born in Nov -2012! Her name is Olivia, and as of this month (July 2013), she is now almost 7 months old. Again….still…I am heart-broken!  All that I’ve ever wanted is to be a Momma & a Grandmother!  I was/am a good mom..my ex-husband ran away “to find himself” !  But I’m the one who stayed and raised our daughters alone.

    I’ve lost so much…but I thank God every day for what I do have : my youngest daughter, now 241/2 & living in her own appt. since August 2012!!! She graduated last Summer (’12),with her Master’s degree in”Library & Information Sciences”.  She has her own apartment. She also has a wonderful Academic Librarian job with a tenure track etc. I have had the most wonderful husband, for the past 16 years! He’s the love of my life and my soul-mate!!  He has been an elementary school teacher for 35 years and he is the best teacher and the best husband ever!

    This is my story..PTSD that continues and never seems to end because my father and brothers  still treat me in an abusive manner.   Add that  I’m in chronic intractable pain 24/7 since that MVA in 2002!  I acquired “full body” RSD/CRPS  a painful progressive Neuro-autoimmune disease, which causes burning nerve pain similar to the feeling of being “on fire”!  I have OA and 2 Rheumatologist’s have said that I have RA  *(one of them gave me an injection kit for “Humira” and wanted me to start taking injections.  Luckily I didn’t ever start taking them because I found out that I have an IGA deficiency and that RSD/CRPS is an autoimmune disease, therefore that medication could have made me much worse off!), but my PCP and I aren’t quite sure, or really don’t think so at this point! I have Myofascial Pain syndrome, Fibromyalgia (which I’ve denied for several years, but am finally coming to terms with it).  I have Dysautonomia which is  my Autonomic nervous system dysfunction or failure.  It means that all of those body systems and things that our bodies do without thinking about it, don’t work for me.  This includes: body temperature, respiration, blood pressure, digestion, sleep disturbances, memory problems, heart arrythmia’s and more.  My brain stopped telling my heart what to do, which is part of it also and one of the reasons for me needing a pacemaker!  I also suffer from POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) and NCS (Neuro-Cardiogenic Syncope), CKDII (chronic kidney disease stage II, due to tubular interstitial nephritis), Hypogammaglobulinemia ( an Immune deficiency), Sick Sinus Syndrome, Coronary Spasms, Atrial Fibrillation, MVP, TVP, (Mitral valve prolapse /tricuspid valve prolapse), Chondromalacia Patella and Patella Femoral pain syndrome, Asthma and  other diagnosis’ but just too much to keep writing for now.  

   All I pray for daily is that my oldest daughter will come back to me and to us.  I pray that one day I will get to hold and see my granddaughter, because I already love her! I am blessed with a wonderful and loving husband. Also, I have God who is my Lord and Savior and it’s because of his love that I can never give up.

**(from above…In another post, I will explain more about my life and growing up in an abusive and highly Narcissistic/abusive home, where I was starved, poisoned, weighed weekly and given punishment/reward dependent upon my weight.  I was also abused in just about every possible way by almost  everyone who was supposed to love me; and those who I was supposed to be able to trust!)

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