A Christmas Wish


Hello Luvs,

Well, it is the Holiday Season once again.  The tree is trimmed….boy, OH boy is our tree ever “trimmed”!!  We have a 3 yr old kitty cat who thinks that we brought a tree into our house JUST for her to play in!! We actually came downstairs and came home etc…several times and the tree was over on it’s side, after having “crashed” to the floor! We decided to take the the bottom off of the tree and put the top of the tree into the tree stand and put it on top of the end table. So now she can hide under the tree skirt, which is on top of the table and under the tree….LOL…but she doesn’t get into it anymore! I just know she thinks that tree was brought inside just to please her and to give her something to play inside of! Silly Luna kitty!  Anyway, it’s still a beautiful tree, especially when it’s all lit up at night.IMG_3919

So…I’ve been really thinking…..I’ve been thinking about Christmas and the true meaning of this beautiful holiday. I used to get so sad when the people who were “supposed” to be around me during the holidays, were not around  during that time, or any other times. That is a long story for another day…But for today, I want to talk about Christmas Miracles and what I would love for mine to be this year or any time at all. I won’t go into details because the past is the past. But my eldest daughter has been gone for over 9 years now. She left of her own free will.  No one asked her to leave, no one forced her to leave, she just left.  Not a day has gone by that I’ve not thought about her. A holiday has not passed, when I haven’t cried because of missing her. If I could have one Christmas miracle, one holiday wish,  it would be the same Christmas miracle I’ve asked for every year since 2004. I would ask for my daughter to come home, at least in her heart.  She is almost 28 years old and has her own home now. Although I stayed and raised my two daughters literally without any physical, Psychological or emotional help whatsoever;  I pray to see her and I also pray to meet my only granddaughter, who just recently turned one year old, this past November. I didn’t know of the wedding, I never knew of the pregnancy, I never saw the ultrasound appointments, I missed her birth, her first sounds, rolling over, crawling, her first tooth and now I’m sure she’s walking and talking.
When I first learned about my granddaughter, I started a scrapbook. It is a way to keep her in my thoughts and on my mind in a healthy and good way. I’ve kept up a book for both of my daughters as well, since they were born.  I’ve written notes, letters, poems etc. to them both from the day I went into labor and through today. Of course they are older now so I don’t have so much to write anymore, but I still write in it when I find something that I want to share with them.  My friends kept trying to get me to find & look at photos of my new granddaughter. I didn’t want to look because I finally saw a photo of her and then I fell in love, instantly. My “baby” has a baby. Wow….my “miracle” has her own “miracle” now. I started the scrapbook, but it turned into a journal of sorts. I don’t have many photo’s of course and it’s turned into what I call “Letters To Olivia”… I have not done very much, but I’ve started it and have written in it. I “talk” to “Liv” and I tell her about us and her mommy when she was a wee one. I guess I just do it to keep sane. I’ve just lost so much; it’s hard to keep my heart from breaking all over again day after day.
I saw this somewhere and it makes me think of my daughter being a mother now :  “Mothers and daughters are closest when daughters become mothers.” -Author Unknown.  I found these ideas online…they are really several pieces of advice for daughters and I want to share them with you (they are from a woman named BNayden, but I don’t know who she really is, except that she is a mom….like me and……although I don’t usually give too much advice, I thought this was worth reading and sharing:

                                     Advice for Daughters

  1. Listen to your Momma. She will never intentionally steer you in the wrong direction. There may be times you think we don’t have your best interest in mind but we always do.
  2. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Your family and true friends will accept you for who you are.
  3. Do everything with grace.
  4. Avoid participating in gossip.
  5. Think twice before you post something on the internet.
  6. Learn to cook, clean and be organized for yourself, not for someone else.
  7. Don’t set limits for yourself. Break down boundaries.
  8. You are stronger than what you think.
  9. Read books and watch documentaries.
  10. . There is nothing wrong with a little adventure so don’t be afraid to try new things.
  11. . In anything you do, remember that there is a reaction for every action.
  12. . Be the heroine in your own story. You don’t need a prince to rescue you.
  13. . Don’t dumb yourself down to get attention. There is nothing wrong with being smart. Use your common sense.
  14. . Respect yourself.
  15. . Know who your true friends are. It is okay to let go of people and move on, not everyone is meant to take the next step with you in your journey.
  16. . Set goals for yourself and have a plan but know that not everything goes as planned. Always have a plan B and C.
  17. . Don’t give up on your dreams. Take it one step and one day at a time.
  18. . Travel. Experience the world.
  19. . Know what’s going on in the world and in your local community. Keep up with current events.
  20. . Be confident and believe in yourself.
  21. . Respect nature and the environment, help to take care of it.
  22. . Work hard and seize every opportunity.
  23. . Be kind, compassionate and loyal.
  24. . Not everyone will be on your team. Don’t worry about pleasing them. Keep yourself happy and stick to what you believe in.
  25. . Know your self-worth and don’t let anyone else bring it down or make you feel less worthy.
  26. . Have faith.
  27. . Be courteous and always practice good manners.
  28. . Try your best not to do or say anything you will regret later.
  29. . Be wise when it comes to money. Save for rainy days and for the future. Live within your means.
  30. . Material possessions are not everything.
  31. . You are my princess; find a man that will treat you like his queen and he will be worthy for you to treat him like a king.
  32. . Be as well-educated, well-spoken and well-traveled the best you can.
  33. . Have hobbies, learn to play an instrument, play sports, join clubs and do volunteer work. All of these things will teach you valuable skills and make you a well-rounded person.
  34. . You are going to lose sometimes but you will only fail if you don’t stand back up and try again.
  35. . Be independent.
  36. . Learn to be patient.
  37. . You have a rich heritage. Be proud of it and your culture because it contributes to who you are.
  38. . Realize when to walk away; you can only give so much until you compromise your integrity and happiness.
  39. . Be healthy. Eat well and exercise. Practice good hygiene.
  40. . Be passionate about everything you do and what career you choose. It should not always be about the money especially if you are unhappy.

I don’t know why I liked the advice above, but I thought it was really good, or most of it anyways. I just felt like sharing it …but now I’d like to share My Christmas wish:

….I so badly want my daughter to look up to me, like she had done in the past. I want her to see me with the same eyes that she had seen me with when she was a little girl. A time when I could fix anything and a time when a hug and a kiss and some ice inside of the “boo boo bunny” could fix a multitude of “owie’s”.  I don’t want to go back in time, but move forward yet have her remember what she knew of my heart, who she always knew I was and for her to once again KNOW that I still am that “Momma” who thinks of her every day and still fondly calls her “My Sunshine Girl”.  I want for her to realize that though she thought I could fix anything when she was a little girl, I’m just a person who is imperfect and who makes mistakes just like anyone and everyone does.  I so badly wish for her to know that I never ever did or said anything to intentionally hurt her, not ever. Though I never would hurt a hair on my daughters heads, I’m not perfect and I have my own past hurts, issues and inner “demons” that I fight against; while being a product of a Malignant Narcissistic abusive family……what I’m saying…… I suppose….is that I’m sure I’ve unintentionally  hurt some feelings in the past, but not willfully or with malice in my heart.

I have so much on my mind and in my heart this Christmas time. I am older now and feel at peace more with who I am and who I wish to be. I try to find good in every day and forgive the “little” things, because most daily annoyances are just that…”little things”.  I try to find the good in people that I meet, and not be judgemental.  I forgive those who’ve hurt me, even though the “hurt’s” that have plagued me during my lifetime are unimaginable to some. I’ve had not one, not two but many many Dr.’s and other people who meet me, say that I am a “miracle”. They say that they are so surprised that I’m not “dead or crazy.  I’m not saying that to boast about being some kind of “miracle”…no… but to have you, the reader; know and feel what kind of things I’ve endured. If not for any other reason, than to know that I write from my heart; a broken heart.  A heart that I’ve tried to mend over these years and continue to fill it with only love and kindness. I try not to harbor ill feelings for those who’ve abused me in the past, and they are many. I’ve been hurt by just about every person in life who was supposed to love me. I’ve been starved, poisoned, beaten, broken, punished, molested,raped, cheated on and worst of all taunted and teased, called names and the most hurtful of all is the fact that those who are supposed to love me, get pleasure from my pain. It saddens me when I think about it too much. So I just don’t think about it ….and as much as I can push it away, I do!

Anyways, all of that is in the past…oh wait…no… some of it is still happening. When you have Narcissistic abusers in your life, in your own family; it never ends until you break the ties. That  is something which is so hard to do that not many can do it; not many  stick with it for the long haul. God never said that you had to stay with people who hurt you and/or abuse you. But enough of that talk, this is Christmas and it is the season of goodness, kindness and peace.

I’ve always heard it is the time for miracles. I’ve been waiting so long and every Christmas I pray for my Christmas miracle to come true. I pray all during the year as well. I pray every day and each night. Maybe this will be my year for a true longing wish to come true. All I want for Christmas, Lord….is to have my daughter back in my arms again. I don’t care how old she is….she will always be my baby!  “I love her forever, I like her for always….as long as I’m living my baby she’ll be…”…..Anyways, the day will come that my wish will come true, she will feel again in heart what she once felt ……something I’ve always felt and never lost for her…..a kind of love that is deep and true and a special kind of love between a Mother and her daughter…..

Well…anyways…I hope all of your Christmas wishes come true….whatever language you speak, I hope you speak “Love” and keep it in your heart all year and not just at Christmas time….

Photo Dec 02, 4 46 30 PM

One Little Kitty….


Needless to say, if you’ve been reading along with this blog; you’ll recognize that I’ve been through a lot. Yes, I know that everyone has been through tough times. I also realize that your own “worst” is something that you own ! Your worst situations are horrible for you and everyone has a right to feel that to them… It is their worst! I guess I just feel, as do my Dr’s & as do the disability agents; that I have had just a bit more than my own “fair share” of nightmare-ish experiences! Now I’m not looking for “poor me’s” or sympathy…but any kindness and /or empathy I will take wherever and whenever I can get it! Mostly because I really and truly have had it past my limit of mean & abusive people around me in my life.
I don’t always write about abusive and/or horrible experiences. I love also writing about certain CAUSES and things I love or feel passionate about!
Today I couldn’t wait to tell you about my lovely “feline princess” and our newest family member, “Luna Skye”! She is our rescued, domestic short hair, all white Kitty Cat! Before Luna came to live with us a couple of monthsr ago, I was much more sad & depressed about so many things that continue to happen to me in this experience called “life”!!
Luna had been rescued by the Humane Society. She’d lived in bad conditions of a hoarders’ house! The person or people hoarded animals! I’m not sure if they had dogs and cats, or just many many cats! She’d just given birth to two snowy white kittens also! My Luna was very skinny at less than 6 lbs at 21/2 years old! They had her and her babies go into a foster home! Luckily, due to the time it was going to take to go through litigation and put those animal abusers into jail, Luna and her kittens got to stay together longer than usual. They were in a home with a family. There were two other cats, I believe; and a dog or two! They all got along well and of all the coincidences, her foster mom’s name was also Suzanne!
Luna, who was “Cora” at their house; was an elegant and affectionate cat, and that she is still! I wish I knew more of her past because she’s very skittish and seems to be fearful and fretful. She’s been slowly learning our ways and about life in our home. The home that will now always be hers too!
The best thing is that Ive been able to be a part of trying to calm this sweet girl and show her a ton of love, patience and perseverance! I think the perseverance is mainly on my/our part! We cannot & will not ever give up on her, she truly needs us!
I had read a Cat story about an abused cat who came to live with this man in his home. That kitty wouldn’t sit near “his new person”. She wouldn’t snuggle or cuddle, but she was a beautiful and lovely cat! That man didn’t give up, and a year later, when he was at his desk top computer one day, his Cat jumped up and onto his lap! She’s been there every day since then, while he does his work!
So when Luna came to us, I first called her “Cora -Luna” to get her slowly used to her new name ! She started coming to “Luna” within a week I’d say! Now she’s our “Luna” as she will be today and forever! We’re both very attached to her now as she appears to be to us as well.
Ha ha.. My hubby has also fallen in love with Luna. He ‘s never been afraid to show his emotions, but Ive not seen him “take” to a cat like this before! He’s the one that tells me not to let her to do this or that or not to allow her on the bed etc..Well… Guess where Luna sleeps quite often now? You guessed it… On our bed…and right on or quite close to my pillow! She also did something that prompted me to write this story today! After reading about that guys cat that wouldn’t sit with him or on his lap for about a year or so; I figured that I’d just have to be patient. I got a little sad when Luna would continuously walk away from me as I tried to pet her. She wouldn’t come near us at night time it near out bed! I wanted an animal to love and who loves me! I wanted one to snuggle with me and sleep with me in my big chair. Especially when my pain is quite high from the autoimmune nerve disease that I have, called “RSD/CRPSII”.
Well..,Luna’s been here with us for only about 5 or 6 weeks! Last night she slept for 3 hours in my “Lazy Boy” chair with me! YES!! Yes!! She jumped up into my chair, all on her own and she stayed there snuggling; with me petting her off & on, for about 3 hours!
She’s been coming into our bed at night now. Even during the day, I’ll find her curled up on my side of the bed and up next to my pillow…sleeping soundly!!! Little miss, just came downstairs as Im writing this blog! She returned from a “cat nap” in my bed again!! Wow…patience IS a virtue and good things ARE worth waiting for!
Lastly, I want to tell you about how we turned the water on in our bathroom sink to just a drip….or a little drizzle! We showed it to her . No sooner did we show her, then she jumped up onto the very small countertop and played with the little drizzles of water! She amused herself for what seemed to be quite a long time!! I’ll share the photos and the video if possible! If I cannot show you the video, I’ll try to put the link on here to help you get at least to the video on you tube! Luna kitty playing with water
My husband tells me that I’m much more calm and get less upset now! I believe that it’s true what they say about animals bring good for us and for our blood pressure!! I just know that I love my sweet Luna to pieces !

20130325-203345.jpg

20130325-203416.jpg

20130325-204256.jpg