Broken Hearts,HOPE & Answered Prayers


2014-09-29 11.29.55 2014-08-29 13.22.50 2014-09-08 15.45.19-1 2014-09-08 20.29.22 2014-09-08 21.37.31 2014-09-18 23.41.40 2014-09-29 13.30.20 2014-09-29 14.29.33 2014-09-29 15.22.51;

index

Hello Luvs,

I never thought that this day would actually come. I’ve been praying every day, hoping every day for 9 years +, that my family would be back together again.  I married at age 22, in 1984. We had 2 daughters and in 1992 became legally divorced.  I won’t bother you with all of the trials and tribulations of everything that we’ve gone through, but I do wish to tell you a story of “HOPE”.

When my ex husband left in 1991, I was suddenly alone with 2 daughters, ages 3 and 5 1/2.  My oldest had just started Kindergarten and the youngest just had her 3rd birthday. First I cried until I couldn’t cry another tear. Then I toughened up and bucked up and mustered up the strength and courage to do it on my own.  I had felt pretty much and had actually been pretty much “alone” for the most part of those 8 years. On a Saturday night he took me out to dinner and told me he wanted a divorce. We’d met in Late August 1983 and only 7 months later, in April 1984, we  got married.   So, like I said, he told me that he wanted a divorce on a Saturday night. I freaked out a bit, cried a lot and by Monday, I had gone from a “stay at home mom” to a full time Interpreter for the Deaf at a school system.  I thank God for going to College, especially at that point in my life.

That was the end of September and by June I knew that my “dream job” was not going to work. I needed health insurance because I found out that I truly was on my own; for the most part. My parents lived 35 or more miles away, my mother was very ill and they couldn’t babysit or help in that way.  Next, I got a job at a major University hospital. I was an Outpatient clerk III and an Interpreter for the Deaf. I liked my new job and the independence it gave me. But the first few months I could not get to day care on time to pick up my daughters because the latest pick up time was 6:00 pm. I could not get there without an accident, before at least 6:20 pm because I got off at 5:30pm. I got my father to agree to sit in the car with my daughters until I got there and I was grateful for that. Though I never really understood why he couldn’t have taken them just straight across the street to our apartment and let them get their backpacks off and start homework or get a drink? But hey, I was happy with what I got. I was very thankful. I awoke at 5:10 am every work morning M-Fri, and got ready, showered etc. Then at 6:15 am, I awoke my 3 1/2 and 6 year old daughters. I cleaned them up, did their hair beautifully every day with bows and curls and such. We never “looked” poor!  I fed them breakfast, listened to anything they needed to talk about and we left for Day Care at 7:15 am.  The worst was in the deepest darkest of the Michigan Winters, and taking my babies out into the dark of night and the below 20 degree temps most days, or worse. My youngest used to cry every Sunday night and I hated putting her through it but I had no choice. I loved them and they needed someone responsible and loving to care for them.  I didn’t want to lose their respect some day and let them think that I just sat on my rear end eating chocolates! NO!  I went out and as hard as it was, I got a full time job and for awhile even went back to College to better myself.

For years I had no child support or “on” again and “off” again child support.Finally, when my father in law started paying it, then it came regularly and life became just a tad bit better when I knew that I had  enough to get by for 2 weeks until my paycheck came; and with only usually $20 to spare. I got food stamps and Medicaid insurance for about 6 months, until I could get my own insurance and until I made only $80 per month too much to get food stamps. I was so proud though!! I was soooo proud when I made $80 a month too much to get the $250 worth of monthly food stamps.

So life went on…..much happened and it was hard for us. We all survived and I remarried in 1997 on Valentines day. Then to make this story more about the good than the bad, I have to tell you why I named this story about “HOPE”.  In 2004, my oldest daughter became estranged from us, her family at age 18. She had to find her own way and figure some things out on her own. It broke my heart and I’m pretty sure she felt that her heart was broken too. But days turned into months and then years went by….and by…and by…..

I prayed and I hoped and every Christmas that went by, every Birthday that past and each Mother’s day that came and went, I cried and prayed and cried some more. I would listen to songs and look at photo’s that reminded me of  much harder days but days in which I still had hope, in many ways.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband of now 18 years. He is the best thing that ever happened to me & us in  life, other than having my girls. He is my soul-mate and I love him and he loves me and we are a team.

Nine years ago or more, when all of that happened, I had bought a necklace that was gold and silver and has the word “HOPE” on it. I swore to wear it until my oldest daughter and I were together again.   So much more happened throughout all of those years, but that is not for me to write about today.  Today I am only looking forward and not backwards. Finally, today, I can take off my HOPE necklace if and when I so choose, because my prayers have been answered.

I had lunch with a very old friend in August, her name is Janet.  We had our first baby girls only weeks apart and became great friends.  She moved an hour and half away and then I moved and then I got divorced and then her husband passed and life kept changing for us. But through it all we stayed friends.  She met me for coffee one day in August 2014. I told her that I was “losing hope of ever getting back with my oldest daughter”.  I told her how much I love my daughter and always have and always will. I told her how much I wanted her in my life and how we all missed her so much. She told me to “just call her”. But I was just a bit nervous to call out of the blue like that. I mean I had sent notes, letters, gifts etc over the years but then I sort of “gave up”….not on her…but just on trying to contact her again.  So she told me “why not try and text her and just tell her how you are feeling?”…I thought about it and then I did it the very next day!

I am here to tell you to NEVER give UP HOPE!! I texted my daughter and I told her that “I love her” and I told her that “I was thinking of her and hope she was doing OK?” She told me she was “tired of being pregnant and due in a couple of weeks with her 2nd child.”  I had heard that she got married 5 years ago, but I had not been invited nor ever told about it until my cousin in AZ told me the day afterwards.  I was heartsick and heartbroken again.

So…back to the good stuff!  I texted her and she texted me back. I asked if I could have a photo of my granddaughter who was 20 months and she sent me 5 pictures! I was ecstatic!! She said  that she “couldn’t choose” just one single photo…and I was glad for that! Then I asked if she might let me know when the new baby is born and also send me a photo. She did just that!! We started talking then more and more and texting and one day she invited me to come over after she’d gotten home for a few days from the hospital and having her 2nd C-section (she had 2 C sections, just like me)!

Her mother in law was there and my daughter and I hugged and we laughed and we cried. Her mother in law was so nice and funny and I was put at ease right away. This was the beginning for us again. A chance to start new. We have had over 6 weeks now of spending time together. We talk daily and we see each other almost 4 times a week if not more! Sometimes I sit in the car and let her go in and get her errands done, so she doesn’t have to take 2  babies in with her. Other times she comes over to the park near my house or to my house and we have a tea party! I got down my girls’ old small table and chairs set and cleaned them up.  We had a tea party and she and Olivia and I had such a beautiful time.

I will always include her in everything because I remember my mother always took the girls into her room and left me sitting on the couch by myself after I had driven 45 minutes to their house!  She always wanted to have “girl talk” with them “ALONE” and I was not invited. It hurt my feelings but I always figured that as long as my girls were happy, then I was OK too.  But I really enjoyed all of us having our tea party together, even little newborn baby girl was there with us, sleeping…..but feeling the good feelings in the room.

On Monday of this week, my oldest daughter and I drove an hour to her younger sisters house, my youngest daughter and her husband live about an hour from here.  My oldest daughter and I only live about 4 blocks away from each other now! I love it so much!  So anyways, my youngest daughters, 26th birthday is next week, so we took a picnic lunch and went to their house and to the park and went for a little walk.. This was the first time we’d been together in almost a decade! It is a wonderful feeling!!!  I almost forgot to tell you that a week or two after we started seeing each other,  my husband and my oldest daughter saw one another; they hugged and he got teary eyed.

Life is so much better when you can let go of the past and all of the hurts, big and small.  If you can let it all go and start over and refreshed with a new found way of life and have no need for hurt or revenge or anything but kindness and love and a sense of family…that’s when life will turn around!  When I could finally stop and think and let go of all of the old “junk”, that is when my “HOPE” came true and my life is so much more fulfilled now.  Of course there are times in life when one might have been damaged physically, verbally, emotionally and worse. Unfortunately, sometimes in those cases, it’s not always just a matter of moving on. Sometimes just forgiving in your heart, can lessen the load and it can help you move on just to have forgiveness in your own heart. We cannot force anyone else to think, feel or act in any certain ways. We can’t force anyone to feel how we want them to feel.

I am in chronic pain from RSD/CRPS , RA, DDD, SSS, OA, Dysautonomia/POTS/NCS and many other health issues.  I was in a MVA in 2002 and have suffered through 12 surgeries and alot of pain. I have had a heart attack, a CVA (stroke) and I’ve gone to many Dr’s visits. I am through it and sort of on the other side now; and couldn’t be happier, unless of course the pain was gone.  But it’s a lot easier to bear when you feel loved and you are being more loving yourself.  I am so happy that my family is together again.  I will never again hold onto anything bad in my mind, heart or soul.  I give it up to God and I am going to enjoy life as best that I can.  I will have my days in pain when I cannot do anything, but I will have the love of my daughters and granddaughters.  I love them,  my husband and their husbands Thank you for reading my story and please…NEVER give up HOPE…..it does come, but in “his” time, not in ours.  We don’t know why?? But God does know what he wanted me or all of us to learn first.  Thank you again… also thanks for allowing me  the pleasure of posting a few photos from our day at my youngest daughters house and a few others too.

One more thing before I sign off for today.  I wanted to apologize for being away from my writing for a whole month. I try to write weekly or bi-weekly.  As you can see from my story above and the photo’s, I was just very busy this month; allowing things to happen naturally and waiting for the best time to tell you this wonderful news!   imagesabc

indexabimagesdd

 

Protected: A Story of Unconditional Love…..


This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

A Mother’s Love


ImageImage

You know…I’ve been sitting here thinking about all of the dance competitions we went to and how much fun they were.  They were lots of work, loads of driving, packing, bun making etc….but very fun and so fulfilling to see my child gain so much  and learn a lot from the experience!  I’m also thinking about all of the swim meets.  They were twice weekly during swim season, for several years.  I was always sitting in the stands cheering her on.  I had to buy her the right warmup suit, swim suit and those T-shirts with the team name.  We were always there supporting our children!

I also have been thinking about all of the tea parties, sleepovers and birthday parties that I’ve put on.  I’m thinking about the nights that I was up rocking my sick babies. I’m reminiscing about the trips to my daughters’ school to take forgotten homework and lunches, after I’d already started work. I’m thinking of the annual “night before the first day of school” at home manicures and curlers in their hair.  I always  got them new outfits  & I paid for extra dance lessons  so that my older daughter could try out for Dance Team/Pom.

I’m daydreaming about First Communion prayers, parties and the way I taught them  certain special prayers.  I’m thinking about how I helped my girls with their homework.  I always got involved in their  projects and book reports without the use of the internet or a computer! I remember my 2 daughters at their different stages.    I spent many hours reading books aloud to them while at the same time teaching them values, and instilling good ethics and integrity.  I gave direction to their lives as opportunities arose and used everyday experiences to  instruct them in the ways of the world  and trying to do the right thing.

I found groups to join, such as the YMCA “Indian Guides”;  in order to give them  happy experiences and good memories.  Most of all to spend more time with them! I always put the beginning and final touches on their birthday cakes while sometimes arranging “picnics in the living room” on rainy days!  We would drive all the way to the Toledo zoo because it felt nicer than the zoo that is a bit closer to us and I wanted to give them the best experiences.   My daughters and even sometimes their BFF’s,  were dressed alike  in matching animal outfits with little hats and glasses.

I tried to work  a few less hours  so that I could visit my children’s  school and help out as a “room mother” and even pop popcorn with the PTA moms!!  We’ve driven over 1800 miles one way, to take my daughter to visit someone; when I didn’t have to…. and we did that more than once!  I was the one reading, singing and telling stories night after night! I enjoyed it and found such fulfillment in loving my girls more than anything or anyone else.  They were always my number one priority as was their happiness and safety.

Finally, I was beaming at being called “awesome” by my youngest and her fiance, this past Holiday Season. It was  because the grooms parents were not happy with switching the whole wedding to have it  6 months earlier than planned!! Suddenly I was rearranging everything so it could all happen in just 3 or 4 weeks time instead of the original 6 or 7 months! Speaking of the wedding, we drove around without even thinking anything of it; and we happily did much of the “legwork”.  I made the bridal party gifts; the Swarovski crystal heart earrings that the Maid of Honor and bridesmaid wore at the wedding. For the Bridal shower, I made all of the food, decorated the house and I ordered a beautiful photo cake. I had originally bought little gold bags to fill with 3 colors of M & M’s for wedding favors.  Then the wedding colors changed and so I bought two more colors of little mesh bags to fill with the colored M & M’s.  My husband and I filled and tied each little bag, while sitting on the floor the night prior to the wedding.  I had even bought some adorable personalized  mini tags that I had found online.  These tags had the bride and grooms names, wedding date, and the words “thank you for coming” printed on them!  I found and bought the Unity candle and arranged the Scottish Highland dancers to come and do the traditional dances;  welcoming the groom to our family.  I called around to find a florist that could get some Scottish Heather, the traditional flowers of Scotland.   We also spent a couple of hours with another florist, picking out flowers, arrangements, colors, ribbons and whether we wanted the Silver sparkle leaf or a green one? My daughter left the  important flower order decisions, regarding all of the wedding flowers in our hands. My BFF had offered to pay for them as her gift to the bride and groom, so she met us at the florist as well.

I set up the nail appointments, hair appointments and the professional make up artist appointments for my daughter and the girls in the wedding party, because she asked me to do it. I had more time because she was working. While I was with the girls the day of the wedding, my husband drove to get the wedding cake.  After picking up the wedding cake, he also drove to the hotel about 20-25 miles away and checked the Newlyweds into their room.  He did this so that later when they arrived exhausted; they could just go straight to their room!  They would not have to worry about going to the front desk and getting a key, checking in and all of that!  I  bought a 5 lb box of chocolates and some sparkling grape juice, which my husband put in a bucket with ice so that the newlyweds would be surprised as they entered their room and they could have a special toast to their awesome day! The toast was  to be made with a pair of special wine glasses that I painted the words “bride” and “groom” on!  The wedding was on January 11th, 2014!

This post started out by discussing my role or roles in making memories for my girls lives.  I discuss the time during the  lives of my two daughters, when they were young and growing up with a single mother, for the most part. Then I wrote about the time leading up to my younger daughters wedding in January 2014.  Now it is May 2014…..four months later, and “Mother’s Day” came and “Mothers Day” went.  I did not get a phone call.  I did not even receive a card this year.  I cried.  It is the one day we get honored annually, for giving birth to our children and for raising, loving, giving, teaching and sacrificing our lives for them . It’s not about the one day, it’s about an entire lifetime of giving and loving, and sacrificing etc.  I couldn’t  wish my mother a “Happy Mother’s Day” but it is because she past away in 2012 of colon cancer. Try to remember all that your mother has done for you.  It’s a cumulative thing, not just a short time period, or one day.  If you get upset with her about something, try to still let her know that you really do love and appreciate her and all that she’s done.  Because like I’ve said, Mothers’ Day is not about just that one day, it is thanking her for giving you life and all that she’s done for you and the love that she’s shown.

ImageImage

Protected: Life Goes On *(email for PW at: Jewelrymkr@aol.com)


This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

A Christmas Wish


Hello Luvs,

Well, it is the Holiday Season once again.  The tree is trimmed….boy, OH boy is our tree ever “trimmed”!!  We have a 3 yr old kitty cat who thinks that we brought a tree into our house JUST for her to play in!! We actually came downstairs and came home etc…several times and the tree was over on it’s side, after having “crashed” to the floor! We decided to take the the bottom off of the tree and put the top of the tree into the tree stand and put it on top of the end table. So now she can hide under the tree skirt, which is on top of the table and under the tree….LOL…but she doesn’t get into it anymore! I just know she thinks that tree was brought inside just to please her and to give her something to play inside of! Silly Luna kitty!  Anyway, it’s still a beautiful tree, especially when it’s all lit up at night.IMG_3919

So…I’ve been really thinking…..I’ve been thinking about Christmas and the true meaning of this beautiful holiday. I used to get so sad when the people who were “supposed” to be around me during the holidays, were not around  during that time, or any other times. That is a long story for another day…But for today, I want to talk about Christmas Miracles and what I would love for mine to be this year or any time at all. I won’t go into details because the past is the past. But my eldest daughter has been gone for over 9 years now. She left of her own free will.  No one asked her to leave, no one forced her to leave, she just left.  Not a day has gone by that I’ve not thought about her. A holiday has not passed, when I haven’t cried because of missing her. If I could have one Christmas miracle, one holiday wish,  it would be the same Christmas miracle I’ve asked for every year since 2004. I would ask for my daughter to come home, at least in her heart.  She is almost 28 years old and has her own home now. Although I stayed and raised my two daughters literally without any physical, Psychological or emotional help whatsoever;  I pray to see her and I also pray to meet my only granddaughter, who just recently turned one year old, this past November. I didn’t know of the wedding, I never knew of the pregnancy, I never saw the ultrasound appointments, I missed her birth, her first sounds, rolling over, crawling, her first tooth and now I’m sure she’s walking and talking.
When I first learned about my granddaughter, I started a scrapbook. It is a way to keep her in my thoughts and on my mind in a healthy and good way. I’ve kept up a book for both of my daughters as well, since they were born.  I’ve written notes, letters, poems etc. to them both from the day I went into labor and through today. Of course they are older now so I don’t have so much to write anymore, but I still write in it when I find something that I want to share with them.  My friends kept trying to get me to find & look at photos of my new granddaughter. I didn’t want to look because I finally saw a photo of her and then I fell in love, instantly. My “baby” has a baby. Wow….my “miracle” has her own “miracle” now. I started the scrapbook, but it turned into a journal of sorts. I don’t have many photo’s of course and it’s turned into what I call “Letters To Olivia”… I have not done very much, but I’ve started it and have written in it. I “talk” to “Liv” and I tell her about us and her mommy when she was a wee one. I guess I just do it to keep sane. I’ve just lost so much; it’s hard to keep my heart from breaking all over again day after day.
I saw this somewhere and it makes me think of my daughter being a mother now :  “Mothers and daughters are closest when daughters become mothers.” -Author Unknown.  I found these ideas online…they are really several pieces of advice for daughters and I want to share them with you (they are from a woman named BNayden, but I don’t know who she really is, except that she is a mom….like me and……although I don’t usually give too much advice, I thought this was worth reading and sharing:

                                     Advice for Daughters

  1. Listen to your Momma. She will never intentionally steer you in the wrong direction. There may be times you think we don’t have your best interest in mind but we always do.
  2. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Your family and true friends will accept you for who you are.
  3. Do everything with grace.
  4. Avoid participating in gossip.
  5. Think twice before you post something on the internet.
  6. Learn to cook, clean and be organized for yourself, not for someone else.
  7. Don’t set limits for yourself. Break down boundaries.
  8. You are stronger than what you think.
  9. Read books and watch documentaries.
  10. . There is nothing wrong with a little adventure so don’t be afraid to try new things.
  11. . In anything you do, remember that there is a reaction for every action.
  12. . Be the heroine in your own story. You don’t need a prince to rescue you.
  13. . Don’t dumb yourself down to get attention. There is nothing wrong with being smart. Use your common sense.
  14. . Respect yourself.
  15. . Know who your true friends are. It is okay to let go of people and move on, not everyone is meant to take the next step with you in your journey.
  16. . Set goals for yourself and have a plan but know that not everything goes as planned. Always have a plan B and C.
  17. . Don’t give up on your dreams. Take it one step and one day at a time.
  18. . Travel. Experience the world.
  19. . Know what’s going on in the world and in your local community. Keep up with current events.
  20. . Be confident and believe in yourself.
  21. . Respect nature and the environment, help to take care of it.
  22. . Work hard and seize every opportunity.
  23. . Be kind, compassionate and loyal.
  24. . Not everyone will be on your team. Don’t worry about pleasing them. Keep yourself happy and stick to what you believe in.
  25. . Know your self-worth and don’t let anyone else bring it down or make you feel less worthy.
  26. . Have faith.
  27. . Be courteous and always practice good manners.
  28. . Try your best not to do or say anything you will regret later.
  29. . Be wise when it comes to money. Save for rainy days and for the future. Live within your means.
  30. . Material possessions are not everything.
  31. . You are my princess; find a man that will treat you like his queen and he will be worthy for you to treat him like a king.
  32. . Be as well-educated, well-spoken and well-traveled the best you can.
  33. . Have hobbies, learn to play an instrument, play sports, join clubs and do volunteer work. All of these things will teach you valuable skills and make you a well-rounded person.
  34. . You are going to lose sometimes but you will only fail if you don’t stand back up and try again.
  35. . Be independent.
  36. . Learn to be patient.
  37. . You have a rich heritage. Be proud of it and your culture because it contributes to who you are.
  38. . Realize when to walk away; you can only give so much until you compromise your integrity and happiness.
  39. . Be healthy. Eat well and exercise. Practice good hygiene.
  40. . Be passionate about everything you do and what career you choose. It should not always be about the money especially if you are unhappy.

I don’t know why I liked the advice above, but I thought it was really good, or most of it anyways. I just felt like sharing it …but now I’d like to share My Christmas wish:

….I so badly want my daughter to look up to me, like she had done in the past. I want her to see me with the same eyes that she had seen me with when she was a little girl. A time when I could fix anything and a time when a hug and a kiss and some ice inside of the “boo boo bunny” could fix a multitude of “owie’s”.  I don’t want to go back in time, but move forward yet have her remember what she knew of my heart, who she always knew I was and for her to once again KNOW that I still am that “Momma” who thinks of her every day and still fondly calls her “My Sunshine Girl”.  I want for her to realize that though she thought I could fix anything when she was a little girl, I’m just a person who is imperfect and who makes mistakes just like anyone and everyone does.  I so badly wish for her to know that I never ever did or said anything to intentionally hurt her, not ever. Though I never would hurt a hair on my daughters heads, I’m not perfect and I have my own past hurts, issues and inner “demons” that I fight against; while being a product of a Malignant Narcissistic abusive family……what I’m saying…… I suppose….is that I’m sure I’ve unintentionally  hurt some feelings in the past, but not willfully or with malice in my heart.

I have so much on my mind and in my heart this Christmas time. I am older now and feel at peace more with who I am and who I wish to be. I try to find good in every day and forgive the “little” things, because most daily annoyances are just that…”little things”.  I try to find the good in people that I meet, and not be judgemental.  I forgive those who’ve hurt me, even though the “hurt’s” that have plagued me during my lifetime are unimaginable to some. I’ve had not one, not two but many many Dr.’s and other people who meet me, say that I am a “miracle”. They say that they are so surprised that I’m not “dead or crazy.  I’m not saying that to boast about being some kind of “miracle”…no… but to have you, the reader; know and feel what kind of things I’ve endured. If not for any other reason, than to know that I write from my heart; a broken heart.  A heart that I’ve tried to mend over these years and continue to fill it with only love and kindness. I try not to harbor ill feelings for those who’ve abused me in the past, and they are many. I’ve been hurt by just about every person in life who was supposed to love me. I’ve been starved, poisoned, beaten, broken, punished, molested,raped, cheated on and worst of all taunted and teased, called names and the most hurtful of all is the fact that those who are supposed to love me, get pleasure from my pain. It saddens me when I think about it too much. So I just don’t think about it ….and as much as I can push it away, I do!

Anyways, all of that is in the past…oh wait…no… some of it is still happening. When you have Narcissistic abusers in your life, in your own family; it never ends until you break the ties. That  is something which is so hard to do that not many can do it; not many  stick with it for the long haul. God never said that you had to stay with people who hurt you and/or abuse you. But enough of that talk, this is Christmas and it is the season of goodness, kindness and peace.

I’ve always heard it is the time for miracles. I’ve been waiting so long and every Christmas I pray for my Christmas miracle to come true. I pray all during the year as well. I pray every day and each night. Maybe this will be my year for a true longing wish to come true. All I want for Christmas, Lord….is to have my daughter back in my arms again. I don’t care how old she is….she will always be my baby!  “I love her forever, I like her for always….as long as I’m living my baby she’ll be…”…..Anyways, the day will come that my wish will come true, she will feel again in heart what she once felt ……something I’ve always felt and never lost for her…..a kind of love that is deep and true and a special kind of love between a Mother and her daughter…..

Well…anyways…I hope all of your Christmas wishes come true….whatever language you speak, I hope you speak “Love” and keep it in your heart all year and not just at Christmas time….

Photo Dec 02, 4 46 30 PM