A Christmas Wish


Hello Luvs,

Well, it is the Holiday Season once again.  The tree is trimmed….boy, OH boy is our tree ever “trimmed”!!  We have a 3 yr old kitty cat who thinks that we brought a tree into our house JUST for her to play in!! We actually came downstairs and came home etc…several times and the tree was over on it’s side, after having “crashed” to the floor! We decided to take the the bottom off of the tree and put the top of the tree into the tree stand and put it on top of the end table. So now she can hide under the tree skirt, which is on top of the table and under the tree….LOL…but she doesn’t get into it anymore! I just know she thinks that tree was brought inside just to please her and to give her something to play inside of! Silly Luna kitty!  Anyway, it’s still a beautiful tree, especially when it’s all lit up at night.IMG_3919

So…I’ve been really thinking…..I’ve been thinking about Christmas and the true meaning of this beautiful holiday. I used to get so sad when the people who were “supposed” to be around me during the holidays, were not around  during that time, or any other times. That is a long story for another day…But for today, I want to talk about Christmas Miracles and what I would love for mine to be this year or any time at all. I won’t go into details because the past is the past. But my eldest daughter has been gone for over 9 years now. She left of her own free will.  No one asked her to leave, no one forced her to leave, she just left.  Not a day has gone by that I’ve not thought about her. A holiday has not passed, when I haven’t cried because of missing her. If I could have one Christmas miracle, one holiday wish,  it would be the same Christmas miracle I’ve asked for every year since 2004. I would ask for my daughter to come home, at least in her heart.  She is almost 28 years old and has her own home now. Although I stayed and raised my two daughters literally without any physical, Psychological or emotional help whatsoever;  I pray to see her and I also pray to meet my only granddaughter, who just recently turned one year old, this past November. I didn’t know of the wedding, I never knew of the pregnancy, I never saw the ultrasound appointments, I missed her birth, her first sounds, rolling over, crawling, her first tooth and now I’m sure she’s walking and talking.
When I first learned about my granddaughter, I started a scrapbook. It is a way to keep her in my thoughts and on my mind in a healthy and good way. I’ve kept up a book for both of my daughters as well, since they were born.  I’ve written notes, letters, poems etc. to them both from the day I went into labor and through today. Of course they are older now so I don’t have so much to write anymore, but I still write in it when I find something that I want to share with them.  My friends kept trying to get me to find & look at photos of my new granddaughter. I didn’t want to look because I finally saw a photo of her and then I fell in love, instantly. My “baby” has a baby. Wow….my “miracle” has her own “miracle” now. I started the scrapbook, but it turned into a journal of sorts. I don’t have many photo’s of course and it’s turned into what I call “Letters To Olivia”… I have not done very much, but I’ve started it and have written in it. I “talk” to “Liv” and I tell her about us and her mommy when she was a wee one. I guess I just do it to keep sane. I’ve just lost so much; it’s hard to keep my heart from breaking all over again day after day.
I saw this somewhere and it makes me think of my daughter being a mother now :  “Mothers and daughters are closest when daughters become mothers.” -Author Unknown.  I found these ideas online…they are really several pieces of advice for daughters and I want to share them with you (they are from a woman named BNayden, but I don’t know who she really is, except that she is a mom….like me and……although I don’t usually give too much advice, I thought this was worth reading and sharing:

                                     Advice for Daughters

  1. Listen to your Momma. She will never intentionally steer you in the wrong direction. There may be times you think we don’t have your best interest in mind but we always do.
  2. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Your family and true friends will accept you for who you are.
  3. Do everything with grace.
  4. Avoid participating in gossip.
  5. Think twice before you post something on the internet.
  6. Learn to cook, clean and be organized for yourself, not for someone else.
  7. Don’t set limits for yourself. Break down boundaries.
  8. You are stronger than what you think.
  9. Read books and watch documentaries.
  10. . There is nothing wrong with a little adventure so don’t be afraid to try new things.
  11. . In anything you do, remember that there is a reaction for every action.
  12. . Be the heroine in your own story. You don’t need a prince to rescue you.
  13. . Don’t dumb yourself down to get attention. There is nothing wrong with being smart. Use your common sense.
  14. . Respect yourself.
  15. . Know who your true friends are. It is okay to let go of people and move on, not everyone is meant to take the next step with you in your journey.
  16. . Set goals for yourself and have a plan but know that not everything goes as planned. Always have a plan B and C.
  17. . Don’t give up on your dreams. Take it one step and one day at a time.
  18. . Travel. Experience the world.
  19. . Know what’s going on in the world and in your local community. Keep up with current events.
  20. . Be confident and believe in yourself.
  21. . Respect nature and the environment, help to take care of it.
  22. . Work hard and seize every opportunity.
  23. . Be kind, compassionate and loyal.
  24. . Not everyone will be on your team. Don’t worry about pleasing them. Keep yourself happy and stick to what you believe in.
  25. . Know your self-worth and don’t let anyone else bring it down or make you feel less worthy.
  26. . Have faith.
  27. . Be courteous and always practice good manners.
  28. . Try your best not to do or say anything you will regret later.
  29. . Be wise when it comes to money. Save for rainy days and for the future. Live within your means.
  30. . Material possessions are not everything.
  31. . You are my princess; find a man that will treat you like his queen and he will be worthy for you to treat him like a king.
  32. . Be as well-educated, well-spoken and well-traveled the best you can.
  33. . Have hobbies, learn to play an instrument, play sports, join clubs and do volunteer work. All of these things will teach you valuable skills and make you a well-rounded person.
  34. . You are going to lose sometimes but you will only fail if you don’t stand back up and try again.
  35. . Be independent.
  36. . Learn to be patient.
  37. . You have a rich heritage. Be proud of it and your culture because it contributes to who you are.
  38. . Realize when to walk away; you can only give so much until you compromise your integrity and happiness.
  39. . Be healthy. Eat well and exercise. Practice good hygiene.
  40. . Be passionate about everything you do and what career you choose. It should not always be about the money especially if you are unhappy.

I don’t know why I liked the advice above, but I thought it was really good, or most of it anyways. I just felt like sharing it …but now I’d like to share My Christmas wish:

….I so badly want my daughter to look up to me, like she had done in the past. I want her to see me with the same eyes that she had seen me with when she was a little girl. A time when I could fix anything and a time when a hug and a kiss and some ice inside of the “boo boo bunny” could fix a multitude of “owie’s”.  I don’t want to go back in time, but move forward yet have her remember what she knew of my heart, who she always knew I was and for her to once again KNOW that I still am that “Momma” who thinks of her every day and still fondly calls her “My Sunshine Girl”.  I want for her to realize that though she thought I could fix anything when she was a little girl, I’m just a person who is imperfect and who makes mistakes just like anyone and everyone does.  I so badly wish for her to know that I never ever did or said anything to intentionally hurt her, not ever. Though I never would hurt a hair on my daughters heads, I’m not perfect and I have my own past hurts, issues and inner “demons” that I fight against; while being a product of a Malignant Narcissistic abusive family……what I’m saying…… I suppose….is that I’m sure I’ve unintentionally  hurt some feelings in the past, but not willfully or with malice in my heart.

I have so much on my mind and in my heart this Christmas time. I am older now and feel at peace more with who I am and who I wish to be. I try to find good in every day and forgive the “little” things, because most daily annoyances are just that…”little things”.  I try to find the good in people that I meet, and not be judgemental.  I forgive those who’ve hurt me, even though the “hurt’s” that have plagued me during my lifetime are unimaginable to some. I’ve had not one, not two but many many Dr.’s and other people who meet me, say that I am a “miracle”. They say that they are so surprised that I’m not “dead or crazy.  I’m not saying that to boast about being some kind of “miracle”…no… but to have you, the reader; know and feel what kind of things I’ve endured. If not for any other reason, than to know that I write from my heart; a broken heart.  A heart that I’ve tried to mend over these years and continue to fill it with only love and kindness. I try not to harbor ill feelings for those who’ve abused me in the past, and they are many. I’ve been hurt by just about every person in life who was supposed to love me. I’ve been starved, poisoned, beaten, broken, punished, molested,raped, cheated on and worst of all taunted and teased, called names and the most hurtful of all is the fact that those who are supposed to love me, get pleasure from my pain. It saddens me when I think about it too much. So I just don’t think about it ….and as much as I can push it away, I do!

Anyways, all of that is in the past…oh wait…no… some of it is still happening. When you have Narcissistic abusers in your life, in your own family; it never ends until you break the ties. That  is something which is so hard to do that not many can do it; not many  stick with it for the long haul. God never said that you had to stay with people who hurt you and/or abuse you. But enough of that talk, this is Christmas and it is the season of goodness, kindness and peace.

I’ve always heard it is the time for miracles. I’ve been waiting so long and every Christmas I pray for my Christmas miracle to come true. I pray all during the year as well. I pray every day and each night. Maybe this will be my year for a true longing wish to come true. All I want for Christmas, Lord….is to have my daughter back in my arms again. I don’t care how old she is….she will always be my baby!  “I love her forever, I like her for always….as long as I’m living my baby she’ll be…”…..Anyways, the day will come that my wish will come true, she will feel again in heart what she once felt ……something I’ve always felt and never lost for her…..a kind of love that is deep and true and a special kind of love between a Mother and her daughter…..

Well…anyways…I hope all of your Christmas wishes come true….whatever language you speak, I hope you speak “Love” and keep it in your heart all year and not just at Christmas time….

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The Two Shall Become One….


I have the most exciting news! Today’s post is going to be more photo’s and less “blogging”. I’m on “cloud 9” as I’m so excited that my youngest daughter, became engaged tonight to a wonderful young man! They’ve been dating about a year and 3/4 and her fiance’ did take us aside a couple of weeks ago and he asked “our permission and for our blessing, to marry our daughter! He said that he “loved us” and He “loves her and is crazy about her and he wants to marry her”!! Of course we said “yes, you have our blessing!” I even added that “we love him” and I said that we “are thrilled to have him be our “son”. Here are the pictures and the story for your enjoyment:

 

Hello Luvs,

OMG!!! I/we are so excited to welcome a son in law, into our family! He and my youngest daughter are getting married next Year and We could not be happier! He is the “son” I always hoped to have, he will be a wonderful son(in law..LOL). We are so blessed to have our family be growing and have our daughter be so happy and blessed and in love, as well!

He took our youngest daughter to their favorite pastime, a Detroit Tiger’s baseball game. After the game, they went to their favorite restaurant, “The Melting Pot”. While they were gone, her fiance’s sister, (she is 19 or 20 years old and in College. She and my youngest daughter get along so great and they do a lot together. I’m so happy that my daughter is gaining not only a wonderful man to be with her forever, but a “sister” too!) was decorating my daughters’apartment with balloons, a sign, flowers and rose petals! She was so surprised and so excited and we just couldn’t be happier for them both! My daughter just got her “dream job” and she’s so happy about that as well. Her life is coming together and I’m proud to say that I have done the best job I knew how and I think she turned out to be such a wonderful and blessed young lady! Check out the great photo’s from this memorable occasion.

“ENGAGED”

 

the decorations that they arranged and had his sister do, while they were gone

 

 

 

 

 

IT’s So AWESOME & Sparkly!!

 

The Spoon Theory In Action…


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Hello Luvs,
I just felt like checking in and saying “Hello” today! It’s been so unGodly cold outside and not fit for humans! Well I wanted to update you on a few things . I think I told you my FIL died on Jan 8,2013. We worry because he didn’t accept Jesus or have any kind of “higher power” in his life. He thought all f us who did, were “stupid”! Needless to say, his parents haven’t ever been a big part of our lives.Some people you have to love from a distance, so as not to be continually hurt! Same with my own family! I was in that horrible car accident on 8-11-02…suffered tremendously and continue to suffer every day from lingering, ongoing chronic pain, TBI issues, the 2005 heart attack aftermath of Atrial fibrillation & Coronary spasms, the numbness & right side weakness s/p the stroke (CVA) in 2006, the daily watering,burning & blurred vision, severe dry eyes, convergence insufficiency and most of this comes from the fact that my eyes don’t have a complete blink due to the paralysis from the effects of the CVA & the TBI! I’ve suffered daily now for this going on the 13th year of the aftermath of that one man’s bad decision, to run a red light that awful August day in 2002! After several surgeries, I acquired a progressive, debilitating, most painful autoimmune Neurological disease “RSD/CRPS” aka “Complex Regional Pain Syndrome or Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy”! This disease alone, is considered on the “McGill pain scale” to be at #42 and the highest form of chronic pain known to mankind! It’s right up there next to cancer ( non terminal),childbirth and amputation of a digit w/o anesthesia! The long thoracic nerve pain is excruciating also! I am unable to write or use a “mouse” or do much with my rt. hand,arm &/or shoulder, because of the nerve pain, heaviness and stabbing feeling that happens when I do try to use it. We’ve found that just “using it more” defeats the purpose because it just makes the pain more unbearable!
Imagine sitting someplace, trying to have a nice dinner out with friends or something similar….my heart starts to hurt and it quivers and shakes (this is what I feel, but inside of my body,along with an intense pain and rapid heart rate….there are little blood clots shooting out of my heart and up into my veins. if I’m lucky, the fact that my blood is dangerously thin due to taking blood thinning meds for life, helps to at least try and make sure that those little blood clots don’t get stuck In my heart or my brain. This could cause possibly a worse CVA, worse paralysis and/or even death!)….I know what to do, the routine! I go politely to the rest room, I go into my purse and find & take a nitro sublingual tablet, put it under my tongue, then make sure I am wearing my nitro dermal patch on my chest …& I wait to see if this works! I wait 5 minutes & do it all again …and third time I do it and wait 5 minutes…if the chest pain does not dissipate, then I am off to the hospital or someone must call 911! My Cardiologist gave me these instructions and he said the Coronary spasms with or w/o the Atrial fibrillation, can cause death! I also have what seems to be an insignificant long QT line on my EKG’s! Sometimes it shows up & other times not so much! Yea…but the thing about “long QT” is that you have no symptoms but it can cause sudden cardiac death! So we just put it on the back burner of our brains and we don’t think about it because there’s nothing that can be done…it’ just a little ,nagging “time bomb” !
OK…so next, imagine that your friend,your husband or daughter want to take you out shopping for the day! I love shopping and I always want to go and try! I love spending time with them and who doesn’t love shopping? If I can get up, get dressed and ready to go out….then I do go and try! But if you look at some of my pictures, you can see what my feet look like after only 20-30 minutes of waking. I am very thankful for my cane, Loft strand crutches,walker and motorized scooter! Although this past Summer I had to get my own permanent wheelchair in order to be able to do “longer walking” activities with my family! I am blessed that our health insurance covered it or I wouldn’t have the beautiful memories from our Disney trip with my youngest daughter and my husband, this past June. But then again, I paid dearly after we arrived back home. I had days & weeks of worsened, unrelenting nerve & bone pain in my : neck, lower back, feet,knees, arms, hands and did I say neck? From all of the looking here and looking there and turning my head to see it all & take everything in…I truly suffered afterwards! But as I’ve always said…it is still sooo worth the horrible nerve pain, in order to have these memories/moments with my little but loving family!
I learned a sort of method for being able to do some things without suffering so badly that I’ m down for days afterwards! It’s called “The Spoon Theory”! A girl named Christine Miserandino patented this theory and I will share it with you in short form! It’s like this….we are given only so many “spoons” at the beginning of each day. Every attempt to do something when you suffer from chronic pain etc, takes one of these “spoons” from your daily allotment. Getting out of bed, making tea or coffee and breakfast, then showering & getting ready for the day ahead; this all takes a good 5 “spoons” out of your allowed maybe 12 for each day! So now you have only 6 spoons left, so you need to be careful what things you choose to do. Especially if you have a “date” that night, be it with your husband, friends or whoever? So after washing off the countertops and wiping down the shower and then meeting your girl friend for a coffee…now you’ve used up 3 more spoons which only leaves you 3 left , to go out for dinner with your husband and possibly have an after dinner drink or a slow dance afterwards? But wait!!! WE can’t have a “drink” due to the high potency of the pain meds that some of us are prescribed!! Oh….and we cannot dance due to the chronic pain issues, either! I’d almost forgotten those bits of information! But by then we’ve still used up our “spoons” just trying to be a good friend, mother, partner, wife etc….We are left with one spoon with which we need to get ready for bed…but what about that “thing” our child wants to talk about before bedtime? What about that letter your hubby needs you to help him with before lights go out that night? We have choices to make! I know everyone has choices to make everyday. But with the “Spoon Theory” once your spoons are gone for the day …there are no more! We must choose wisely so as not to hurt anyone else’s feelings, but more importantly to head off the horrible higher pain that will make us suffer relentlessly!,,
Well, I’m wondering if/how many people can relate to this theory?
As for me and my surgery up and coming on Feb 19, 2013…. I think I’ve been using up many spoons, by being fearful and fretting! When the Dr himself comes to speak with you & says “Hi beautiful! I’m so sorry that this surgery is going to hurt much more than the first time. The pacemaker has had 10 years of fibrous tissue to grow around & make itself a home in your body now…as a part of your body now!”!!!!!!! Therefore I have to get general anesthesia, the lovely sore throat (which every new trauma can cause the RSD/CRPS to travel and stay there & wreak havoc on another body part!)….let alone the higher risks involved….but this must be done! He will put me to “sleep” and remove the device from deep inside my pectoral muscle, while cutting the muscles and nerves adjacent….I will awaken in much pain, which will last quite awhile (it takes a full year for nerves to quiet down!) & then hopefully soon I’ll be able to come home and start recovery process wondering all the while “will the RSD/CRPS spread..more…again?
My 16th wedding Anniversary is coming up on Valentines Day! The only man who I’ve EVER truly felt this special love, bond with and the only man who’s never hit or hurt me or anyone ever!! I sometimes wonder why some of my extended family members still remain loyal to my lying & abusive father?? I am the only one in my family who’s actually had a Loving & lasting relationship, marriage !!!!!!! My one brother was married for 13 years “legally-on paper”.. But all of those years he was miserable and he cheated on his wife.The wife our parents chose for him! He asked me to meet him for lunch about 2 weeks after his wedding. He confided in me that he “wasn’t in love with her, what should he do?” He so went n to tell me that he felt like this new “wife” was more like a “sister” or “friend” and he didn’t feel “romantic feelings for her”! He said he’d married her to please our parents and especially after they told him “if he did not marry her, he could not bring anyone else around them ever”! He was unhappy and felt “stuck”! I told him that since he’d gone through with it, he may fall in love later…I mean…it’s not unheard of? I told him to try for awhile at least…that was the honorable thing to do! So he bought a big home on a lake, fancy cars and a boat! All to fulfill his life but after 10 years or possibly sooner, it wasn’t working! His “wife” wanted so desperately to have our parents for her own (being an only child I guess she was looking ahead)…she even pretended to be my “BFF” just to get at my brother to marry her! My mother told me that many times, but I didn’t want to believe it! Now I know it was true! Then my other brother, 2 years older than me, he’s been married at least 4 times and has lived with many more women than that! He’s got bi-polar mental health issues and he’s a scary one when he’s in one of his Psychotic episodes! He even was charged with something I won’t speak of here. Although my parents and older brother paid for the best Defense lawyer, he still went to jail for four months and was on house tether arrest for 9 more months! He was eventually found “Not Guilty”… But that means nothing to me because I believe he did it, just by the way he treated me all of my life! Also by the way his daughter, my niece, has turned out to be someone who has enormous psychological issues and girls or people who do to themselves what my brother did,and most likely still does,and what his daughter does to hurt herself …they are “damaged” people and in need of help…but they deny it! So things never change and the cycles stay the same! But for me…I have chosen health and help! I have the best Dr /Psychologist ever! He has even met them,some of my family! He said that he doesn’t talk bad about people often, but that he got a sick feeling in his stomach when he was with them for a little while! He feels like they are “evil”….*(well any grandfather encourages his granddaughters to NOT have a relationship with their mother! Their mom who totally raised them by herself and who was the only one ALWAYS there for her daughters!! Well…that’s a “sick” “hateful” and “evil ” man!)….
Enough for today….thank you for listening to my true story….I hope the “Spoon theory” helps some of you…who are in physical pain… Love, and prayers …Suzanne

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