A Mother’s Love


You know…I’ve been sitting here thinking about all of the dance competitions we went to and how much fun they were.  They were lots of work, loads of driving, packing, bun making etc….but very fun and so fulfilling to see my child gain so much  and learn a lot from the experience!  I’m also thinking about all of the swim meets.  They were twice weekly during swim season, for several years.  I was always sitting in the stands cheering her on.  I had to buy her the right warmup suit, swim suit and those T-shirts with the team name.  We were always there supporting our children!

I also have been thinking about all of the tea parties, sleepovers and birthday parties that I’ve put on.  I’m thinking about the nights that I was up rocking my sick babies. I’m reminiscing about the trips to my daughters’ school to take forgotten homework and lunches, after I’d already started work. I’m thinking of the annual “night before the first day of school” at home manicures and curlers in their hair.  I always  got them new outfits  & I paid for extra dance lessons  so that my older daughter could try out for Dance Team/Pom.

I’m daydreaming about First Communion prayers, parties and the way I taught them  certain special prayers.  I’m thinking about how I helped my girls with their homework.  I always got involved in their  projects and book reports without the use of the internet or a computer! I remember my 2 daughters at their different stages.    I spent many hours reading books aloud to them while at the same time teaching them values, and instilling good ethics and integrity.  I gave direction to their lives as opportunities arose and used everyday experiences to  instruct them in the ways of the world  and trying to do the right thing.

I found groups to join, such as the YMCA “Indian Guides”;  in order to give them  happy experiences and good memories.  Most of all to spend more time with them! I always put the beginning and final touches on their birthday cakes while sometimes arranging “picnics in the living room” on rainy days!  We would drive all the way to the Toledo zoo because it felt nicer than the zoo that is a bit closer to us and I wanted to give them the best experiences.   My daughters and even sometimes their BFF’s,  were dressed alike  in matching animal outfits with little hats and glasses.

I tried to work  a few less hours  so that I could visit my children’s  school and help out as a “room mother” and even pop popcorn with the PTA moms!!  We’ve driven over 1800 miles one way, to take my daughter to visit someone; when I didn’t have to…. and we did that more than once!  I was the one reading, singing and telling stories night after night! I enjoyed it and found such fulfillment in loving my girls more than anything or anyone else.  They were always my number one priority as was their happiness and safety.

Finally, I was beaming at being called “awesome” by my youngest and her fiance, this past Holiday Season. It was  because the grooms parents were not happy with switching the whole wedding to have it  6 months earlier than planned!! Suddenly I was rearranging everything so it could all happen in just 3 or 4 weeks time instead of the original 6 or 7 months! Speaking of the wedding, we drove around without even thinking anything of it; and we happily did much of the “legwork”.  I made the bridal party gifts; the Swarovski crystal heart earrings that the Maid of Honor and bridesmaid wore at the wedding. For the Bridal shower, I made all of the food, decorated the house and I ordered a beautiful photo cake. I had originally bought little gold bags to fill with 3 colors of M & M’s for wedding favors.  Then the wedding colors changed and so I bought two more colors of little mesh bags to fill with the colored M & M’s.  My husband and I filled and tied each little bag, while sitting on the floor the night prior to the wedding.  I had even bought some adorable personalized  mini tags that I had found online.  These tags had the bride and grooms names, wedding date, and the words “thank you for coming” printed on them!  I found and bought the Unity candle and arranged the Scottish Highland dancers to come and do the traditional dances;  welcoming the groom to our family.  I called around to find a florist that could get some Scottish Heather, the traditional flowers of Scotland.   We also spent a couple of hours with another florist, picking out flowers, arrangements, colors, ribbons and whether we wanted the Silver sparkle leaf or a green one? My daughter left the  important flower order decisions, regarding all of the wedding flowers in our hands. My BFF had offered to pay for them as her gift to the bride and groom, so she met us at the florist as well.

I set up the nail appointments, hair appointments and the professional make up artist appointments for my daughter and the girls in the wedding party, because she asked me to do it. I had more time because she was working. While I was with the girls the day of the wedding, my husband drove to get the wedding cake.  After picking up the wedding cake, he also drove to the hotel about 20-25 miles away and checked the Newlyweds into their room.  He did this so that later when they arrived exhausted; they could just go straight to their room!  They would not have to worry about going to the front desk and getting a key, checking in and all of that!  I  bought a 5 lb box of chocolates and some sparkling grape juice, which my husband put in a bucket with ice so that the newlyweds would be surprised as they entered their room and they could have a special toast to their awesome day! The toast was  to be made with a pair of special wine glasses that I painted the words “bride” and “groom” on!  The wedding was on January 11th, 2014!

This post started out by discussing my role or roles in making memories for my girls lives.  I discuss the time during the  lives of my two daughters, when they were young and growing up with a single mother, for the most part. Then I wrote about the time leading up to my younger daughters wedding in January 2014.  Now it is May 2014…..four months later, and “Mother’s Day” came and “Mothers Day” went.  I did not get a phone call.  I did not even receive a card this year.  I cried.  It is the one day we get honored annually, for giving birth to our children and for raising, loving, giving, teaching and sacrificing our lives for them . It’s not about the one day, it’s about an entire lifetime of giving and loving, and sacrificing etc.  I couldn’t  wish my mother a “Happy Mother’s Day” but it is because she past away in 2012 of colon cancer. Try to remember all that your mother has done for you.  It’s a cumulative thing, not just a short time period, or one day.  If you get upset with her about something, try to still let her know that you really do love and appreciate her and all that she’s done.  Because like I’ve said, Mothers’ Day is not about just that one day, it is thanking her for giving you life and all that she’s done for you and the love that she’s shown.


Mothers & Daughters

Whenever I receive Private emails that start out mean or have any mean tone are deleted immediately and I truly have no desire or wondering in my mind about what they said before I deleted them! I also never open unknown named emails … So I am going to continue writing and reading here because I’ve met some of the most kind, caring & loving people on here! I’ve learned empathy for others far worse off than me and Ive gained much knowledge and many new friends here as well…
I only speak the truth, I’ve lost my whole biological family for speaking the truth. I’ve even lost friends … because although I wouldn’t say or do anything to purposely hurt someone , Some have sided with my family. I can take the truth as well as I want to speak the truth. If someone is getting hurt, and even if its me I won’t ever hurt feelings or hurt anyone in any way on purpose, by just being truthful or by saying something sarcastic or hurtful.
Anyways, I don’t know what brought that up but we are heading into “Mothers day” this weekend! My heart is so broken! My mother is dead and has been since 2002-Dec 22nd. My oldest daughter has estranged herself from me and us since she was graduated from HS. Only about 7 weeks after we’d had a graduation party for her! She went off with a boy who sold illegal substances , let alone was doing them and she was too! I tried to be a good mother! She was with an 18 yr old boy in 10th grade & I won’t go into details, but in trying to be a good mother, I grounded her from Homecoming that year and for a month at home. She could have friends over but she couldn’t go out for a month! For what she was doing, I thought that wasn’t even harsh! I wrote this boys mother a letter telling her to keep her 18 yr old son away from my 161/2 yr old daughter!” (*this boy had been removed from the cheer team at the HS & sent home from a Florida cheer contest event for smoking/selling pot!)… Sooo this mother then read my letter at his graduation party and everyone “made fun of me & laughed at me”, my oldest daughter told me!! She was there…at that party ..laughing at me too! She told me this afterwards. Anyways so much has happened since I confronted my parents re:the physical, verbal, emotional abuse ! My father & brothers treat me horribly abusive and I even have an ex sister in law who took the side of my abusers! But I feel she’s been abused also! If even just verbally, those scars can hurt very deeply!
Anyways ….I have no mom, I have lost my oldest daughter completely! As its been since 2004, when she left home. She married in Oct 2009! This would have been my first “Mothers Day” as a “Grandmother”! I dont get to meet, now almost 6mos old, “Olivia Lauren” or hold her or know her. I’ll tell you one thing for sure… I know that I would be the very best of grandmothers! I tried to be the very best mother I could be with what I was handed in life! I was guilty of giving too much attention and not saying “No” enough.. But I did say it when it counted for sure! Whenever I did say “No”, it counted or when/if it was harmful at all!
I wonder in 15 1/2 yrs from now when her daughter comes to her and asks for “permission” to do what my daughter wanted me to give her permission to do…..will my daughter say “yes” ..”it’s OK to do illegal & immoral things”!?? Will my daughters husband say to his daughter when she’s 16 yrs. old, “don’t worry if you get pregnant, we will adopt the baby”?????… I wonder? That’s what my ex husband (*her own father & his new wife …who had no stakes in the deal either way…said to her!) I really lost my daughter while trying to be a good mother!
Anyways this ordeal has caused me to literally have a “broken heart” , according to my Cardiologists! They saw me with my daughters as they were growing up. They saw the 3 of us and a very huge kind of love that we had together! It got lost somehow due to illegal and immoral behaviors on her part ; that I was just trying to end !! I am in chronic pain 24/7 and I suffer and have been diagnosed by several specialists with “full body RSD/CRPS” .. I’ve had 2 heart surgeries including two pacemakers! I have atrial fibrillation and I had a heart attack in 2005 & a CVA in 2006 with residual effects still. I have my youngest daughter and my husband, who have stuck by my side. I have good friends and a couple that are like “sisters” to me! I thank God for all of them every day! I pray for my abusers each day! I pray that one day I’ll open my door and be surprised to see my oldest daughter and my granddaughter standing there! But lovingly…and not with the past looming !!
Mothers day has been so hard for so long! I remember my 1st one…I was 9 months pregnant. My father dropped by our apt for about 10 mins. My then husband was at work all that day, I was home alone and could not drive; because of how close It was to my due date! My father brought me a hanging plant as a “gift ” he said “from my mom”… I asked him “why didn’t mom come ?” He told me she “was embarrassed of me.., because I was so huge and fat!” I was mortified and cried for the rest of that day!! I cried because I felt ugly, fat, hateful, disgusting, useless and just plain ugly; when I should’ve been able to feel healthy, proud, excited and happy!!
I remember as mom was dying of cancer, my dad was carrying around a cloth bag with what they said was “over 300 cards from friends & family”! He said my mother was a “saint”. He made a shrine out of her ashes and an urn, flowers and candles ! They were married 50 years!
My dad turned around and was dating within 6 months and re-married within a year! He was divorced a year or so after that! I remember how he spoke terribly of my mom. Now, I alwAys only said what truths happened to me at her hands and their hands, but I never said disrespectful things or hateful lies about her! After saying she was literally a “saint” and carrying around “proof” of how well she and they were loved somehow by the number of well wishers cards; he then told his new wife how “horrible life was with my mom”! He spoke to her of how he was “verbally bashed and abused” by my mom, his wife of 50 years!!! Yet when I said it, I was called a horrible liar and punished greatly! (But I said it about both of them!)…
He told “Nina”, his new wife of one year or so, all of that after what he had said about me, what he’d called me, how he’s treated me since then and after the “altar” he made or the shrine he had set up for her….When he met Nina, he tossed my mother’s ashes in the St Clair River and got rid of the shrine!!! But not before making a few “ashes” holding necklaces for us!! Very creepy & eerie…!!
Soo When he and Nina divorced, or I should say when she divorced him because he literally “does not know what the truth is!!” She wrote to me and explained this to me! She also told me that she “always believed me but when shed stick up for me, my dad and brothers would verbally abuse her”!! The letter is below!
Anyways, these are my thoughts on thus “Mothers day” weekend ahead! I am very thankful for my youngest daughter and my wonderful husband and friends! I’m also thankful this year for “Luna”, our little white cat!! My beautiful and unconditionally loving feline!





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