Day #2 Withdrawals from Fentanyl Lollipops


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Well my friends, today is the end of the 2nd full day of my withdrawals from the major doses of Fentanyl Lollipops that my old GP had me on for the past 10, 11 years now. Yes….I do have many high pain issues but he should not have done this to me. Nothing I can do now, I cannot whine or complain because I must get to the business of getting off of these totally and never going back. But I cannot say that I’m not afraid. The suckers are so far the only thing that have worked for my horrible pain! Everything else either makes me really sick with awful side effects and nausea or it doesn’t seem to work well for me.  Today I’ve felt a little bit less of the “wanting” for the suckers. I have felt chills and I have also felt as though I am going to burn on fire until I am just ashes on the floor. I feel so hot …..no..you just don’t understand….I feel so hot and I sweat and I’ve had this feeling all through my RSD/CRPS too, but this is even more powerful. It wakes me up at night and I’m soaking wet and I just wanna “die”. No …,not really. …I don’t want to leave this world or die…it’s more of a “feeling” when that happens that I just need for it to end right then and I cannot take it for another moment.

Today, I had to go to my GP…it’s only my 2nd time seeing him. I am unsure about him. The other one, my old one..he did take over when his partner left after 12 years. He did get me the meds that I needed to keep me from being so deathly ill or dying. I think that he thinks the only reason I went to him was for the suckers. Well, he used to be my full time GP and I started seeing his “new” partner 12 years ago  because he was so “nice” to me and kind when I was hospitalized for pain control. I had been a  patient at first of the Dr. who has taken over since my GP of 12 yrs left abruptly after over medicating many of his patients including me . **My former Dr/GP went to an urgent care in Jackson Michigan called Med express. He cannot write controlled substances anymore because the FEDS came into their office and he was found to be over medicating people. Unfortunately, I am one of them. I have been a trooper, motivated and trying with all of my might to get lower and lower doses of the pain suckers since January 2015. I got down 80% and now since Sunday night going to bed with one in my mouth, I’ve had ZERO….NADA….NONE!!! I’m now in my 2nd full day and at the end of it actually.

I was a patient there actually since 1986 and the Dr. who has taken over my care, WAS and had been my GP since that time and until I asked the “new Dr” to be my GP when I was hospitalized in 2002 following a MVA. I only stopped seeing the first Dr. because of my parents, who had been horribly abusive on many levels while growing up and even as I was an adult and I confided in him. He helped me to get my SSDI and he believed in me. Until one day 10 years later, my parents walked into his office and started becoming his patients. Instead of him telling them that it was a breech of some kind or unethical or something, he came to my patient room and told me “wow your parents are now my patients too! They seem like nice people and they say that they’ve done none of the things you alleged that they’ve done!! You seem like a nice person too and now I don’t know who to believe”??? Well, that was enough then and there I got up and left that practice. I tried a few other Dr’s but didn’t really like any of them. Then after the car accident I got scared because I knew so much was wrong and I had so much pain issues. I needed to go back where my records were and where someone knew me and my history. I told him what I thought about what he said and did and then the new dr arrived on the scene and to make matters easier for everyone, I started seeing him, Dr. Pete Bullach Jr MD.

Well, he helped me and told me that he would “be the eye in the middle of my storm”. I wouldn’t allow anyone else to prescribe meds for me. We tried many different pain meds and they all made me ill, sick, and left with my pain. They didn’t work for me and 99% gave me very bad stomach issues including pain and cramps. I finally found the suckers and they worked for me. They worked for 10 years for me. I did suffer from a heart attack shortly after starting them and then one year later I suffered a CVA. Who knows if the suckers were the culprit or if it was the TBI or any other number of reasons? But I’ve since read that the Fentanyl lollipops long term, can cause such problems with health. The pain Dr. I have now and who I’ve only seen one time so far and will see again at the beginning of August, he says that they are for “end of life” and they are “very dangerous”. I don’t understand the dangerousness of them though? Why am I able to stay on the Fentanyl patch and take Dilauded but these are not dangerous?? I guess I just don’t understand. I am just blindly doing what I have to do because either way I need to get off of some of these things because I absolutely HATE feeling “married” to these pain meds and the men with the power to write them for me.  The Government thinks they know what pain patients need and they think they know which kinds of pain are worse than other kinds of pain. Who are they or anyone to say that One pain illness is more painful that my very painful pain diseases called “COMPLEX REGIONAL PAIN SYNDROME” or “CRPS aka RSD”…??? I will never understand but I don’t care. I am strong and have always been strong. I don’t like the feelings of withdrawals and as of day #2, today, I don’t crave the “sucker” part so much. But in waves I feel terrible and in pain and tired, exhausted and sick. I don’t know what will happen but I pray that this new pain Dr will be good to me and keep on believing in me …

I dont know if I have shown you the letter that I have written to the : Dr who took over for my old doc who got into trouble, to my old GP who is at the Urgent care now and the same letter was sent out to the pain Dr who took good care of me and I was a good patient of his from 2002-2005, but when I went back for help at the beginning of this ordeal on January 2nd, 2015, he refused to help me or see me unless he could pass me off to a “friend of his” to be “screened” first by him  because he must not trust his own judgement? I’ve sent them all a letter and I would love to share that letter with you. Below please see a copy of it. I do praise the one doc for helping to take over me and help me through this even though I’ve heard that there are and have been very very many that he just totally “threw overboard” and “let go” and gave them a script and sent them on their way and told them “not to come back”. These were legitimate pain patients because I knew or know a couple of them. I feel or felt the need to get out what I needed to say. I truly am thankful for the one Dr/GP for helping me to go down 80% off of the suckers. But I had no choice in the matter. I was and am at the mercy of all of these people and I absolutely hate it. With my background of abuse and PTSD, it pains me to have someone else in charge of me and my care. I can only hope that the new Dr will continue to believe in me and care for me in a kind and caring way and never give up on me.

So here I sit at the end of day #2 and I’m feeling very very ill, hot and burning up as if to be on fire!  I feel cramps and runny nose and eyes and cannot eat much or hold in anything much. I’ve been trying to to drink but when I have hot drink, I burn up and when I have cold drink, I feel freezing cold. Everything is screwed up and I feel like I am unable to concentrate on anything. I am vlogging this experience on YOU TUBE also. So far they are “private” and if you want to watch them, please email me : suzannebstewart@aol.com and I will put you allowed to watch the videos. There are 2 so far and they are dark and made at night, very late when I’ve been feeling my very worst.  Thank you for your interest and I hope one day that this account of my days going through this ordeal, will help someone.  Also, things that help with the fire or “on fire” feeling are : cold paks that are in the fridge, around my neck and cold drinks. When I’m hot I try wearing light clothing and drink more cold drinks as I’ve said and I’ve been sitting stilll, quite still. I’m having a hard time with concentration too. Please check out the letter that I’ve sent out to all 3 Dr’s, below…..thank you again, Suzanne

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The Letter:

July 13,2015
Dear Dr’s Brateman, Bullach and Dobritt;
I am writing one letter in the same, to all three of you. First of all, to save myself the work of trying to say many of the same things to all 3 of you. Also, this way you’ll be able to better understand how I felt about the breakdown of our patient/Dr. relationships.
First of all, I want to say “thank you ” to Dr. Brateman, for allowing me to stay on as a patient and help me reduce my pain medications. Between Jan 1st and July 13, 2015, I brought myself down to Zero, from the huge amount of Fentanyl prescribed for me (by Dr. Bullach). Dr. Brateman was the only physician who had the guts to stick by me. I’m a chronic pain patient with quite a list of real and horrible pain issues, including Systemic “CRPS!
I have been through a lot in my life, but this has got to be right up on top with the worst treatment of a human being that I’ve personally felt. I’m astounded and ashamed at the treatment I’ve received from Dr Bullach , who told me for 12 years to “trust him” only to be betrayed and left to suffer on my own, if not for Dr. Brateman.
Next, I went to my scheduled appointment on Jan 2, 2015 with Dr. Dobritt. He informed me that he “never received a letter, records or a phone call from Dr. Bullach regarding my case”. Another deception by Dr Bullach. During that same appointment, Dr Dobritt initially indicated that he supported the treatment regimen that Dr. Bullach had me on. But then he “back peddled” and referred me to another pain Dr. I told him that I didn’t wish to see another Dr. I’ve already seen multiple specialists as a result of a MVA in 2002. He’d been my pain Dr. for 3 years following that MVA and I had trusted him.
I went back to Dr. Dobritt in April 2015, after I had gotten myself down 80% from the Fentanyl prescribed originally by Dr. Bullach. I thought he would be proud of me. Imagine my shock & dismay when I arrived and Dr Dobritt refused to see me. He sent a clerk to tell me that he would not see me because I had not gone to be screened by the other pain Dr. prior to this appointment. I cried and begged for him to help me. I was afraid and felt alone in my physical pain and feelings of betrayal and mistrust with the medical professionals who are bound to “first do no harm” according to their own creed. I felt betrayed by his obvious attempt to pass me off to another Dr. instead of helping me.
Because of my own tenacity, I have since found a caring pain Dr. who has helped me get completely off of my former regimen of pain meds. He was equally appalled at the way I had been treated by physicians that I had trusted. Dr. Bullach, your actions; and Dr. Dobritt, your inaction, put my health and possibly my life at risk. You should both be ashamed at the way you treated me and you left Dr. Brateman to clean up your mess. I hope that the two of you do some soul searching and NEVER treat another human being the same way that you have treated me.
With deep sadness, Suzanne Stewart

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Heartbroken


.** I’ve only ever tried to do the best of my ability to be the best mother I possibly could be. I don’t know how one person can go through so much loss, hurt, physical and emotional pain?  My Dr’s cannot believe that I’m NOT crazy or dead….it’s because I am strong….I pray for “HOPE” to come back…..soon…I’ve lost so much and in this life I continue to lose more and more each day, it seems.  I  suffer from “C- PTSD” & “Battered Women’s Syndrome”, which can only evolve because of what I’ve endured!  Next in 2002, I was in a  MVA in which I suffered many injuries including :  an MTBI and had 3 yrs of TBI rehab, 12 surgeries, much chronic pain, a pacemaker, A-fib, heart attack (after a tremendous loss in 2005 *(that continues to this day), the Dr’s say it was a true heart attack, but from “broken heart syndrome”), then a CVA in 2006 and then I acquired RSD/CRPS in 2007, after a foot surgery. Later in 2010, it became “full body/systemic RSD/CRPSII” and I have degenerative disc disease, Polyneuropathy, Radiculopathy, Long thoracic nerve damage…just too much to describe….the pain is still nothing compared to the pain in my heart …still. .I pray for the pain to stop and love, light, health and goodness to take over…

7 ways to fight Depression


I usually prefer to write my own blog, but I thought thus one might help someone else today as it hopefully will help me! I read it and it makes senses so now I just have to try herder to actually re-read and do and follow some of these suggestions :
I found these in a magazine called “all woman’s talk” ! I hope it Heps you too!
7 WAYS TO OVERCOME DEPRESSION NATURALLY …
BY HEATHER WILLIAMS

Depression isn’t something most of us like to talk about, and ways to overcome depression are even harder to come by these days. Depression affects millions of women every single year, including teenagers. I began suffering depression when I was as young as 13 years old, and didn’t understand what was going on inside of me, or how to stop it. I thought it was my hormones, and I’m sure some of it was. However, the waves of depression lingered until I was 19 years old, in small pieces throughout my whole entire teenage life. When I went to college my first year, I was so overwhelmed with the changes, loneliness and uncertainty of my future, that I found myself in a full blown state of depression for two years, causing me to suffer panic attacks, extreme sadness, and the inability to cope with the loss of my friends moving away, a recent breakup, and my parents’ divorce, which all happened the same time I moved to college. I was terribly embarrassed and had no idea how to cope. At first, I began to take medications prescribed from my doctor, until I found none of them worked for me and only made me feel worse. I felt hopeless until I began to seek alternative, natural treatments instead, on my own. What I discovered amazed me and ultimately saved my life. While I can’t say these will work for everyone, I can tell you that they are definitely worth trying. I discovered true happiness, strength within myself, independence and an incredible zest for life after implementing all of these natural ways to overcome depression into my life. Ditching prescription meds for natural solutions was the best thing I ever did for my confidence, health and my mind. I wanted to share these with all of you so that if you ever find yourself in such a state, you can feel empowered with options to try before seeking medication. I am not a medical doctor, so as always, do what works for you, and talk to people you trust, including a trusted physician.

1. EXERCISE

Trust me, I know what it is like to not even be able to pick yourself up out of bed or off the floor in tears, much less to think of exercising as one of the best ways to overcome depression. In fact, I gained 20 pounds my first year of depression, and it wasn’t from the “Freshman 15.” I gained my weight from sadness, not from the cafeteria dining hall. I had never exercised much in my life outside of playing high school sports, and had just never seen the point. However, when I found myself overweight, I knew I had to do something. I started just walking 30 minutes a day and adding a few weight training exercises. Pretty soon, I found that it became a wonderful outlet for me to release anger, stress and even get an endorphin boost from something outside of food for once. Try to incorporate whatever exercise you can into your day. Don’t expect overnight results, but what you’ll find is that, over time, you begin to take pride in yourself because you’re exercising, and it rolls over into other areas of your life. Finally, I stopped seeing the need to diet and binge after I started exercising. It made me want to be healthy again, and it also warded off my bad moods. Sometimes I walked twice a day if it meant taking away my sadness. Do whatever you can, just do something.
2. EAT REGULAR MEALS

I never ate regular meals, especially during my darkest days of depression. What was the point? Well, for starters, eating regular meals, and healthy meals such as protein, healthy fats, fruits and veggies, provide your brain with natural medication to fight depression. Protein and fat are excellent for your mood, and veggies and fruits are key for nutritional support. Your brain can’t work efficiently if you’re not fueling it properly. During my worst, I was eating nothing all day and binge eating at night. If I did eat during the day, it was a diet protein bar, which was basically training me to live off processed diet foods. Don’t buy diet foods; just eat real food. Eat a piece of fruit and some yogurt for breakfast, or my favorite, a fun, pretty smoothie! Also, eat a large salad for lunch with some protein, or a healthy wrap with some protein and veggies in it. Snack on almonds, fruit and yogurt, and for dinner, make sure you get in some veggies and protein. Food can be medicine all by itself, especially when implemented with exercise.
3. WRITE THINGS OUT

When I was depressed, I really didn’t want to talk to anyone about what was going on. My mother was so worried, it clouded her ability to talk to me like an adult, and my school counselor didn’t know me well enough to know exactly what I felt inside. What I could do, however, was write out what I felt, even if just to myself. Sometimes I didn’t even know exactly what I felt until I wrote it out. When writing my words down on paper and seeing what I felt inside, I was then able to deal with what was going on inside me. I took out my feelings through exercising, writing and focusing on taking care of myself, even when I didn’t want to. No one ever read my writings except me, but just knowing that I had expressed them somehow did wonders for me. Later, I was able to talk to my mother about what I felt, because I knew exactly what was wrong, by being able to write things out.
4. CONSIDER FISH OIL

Not to sound like a crazy gimmick, but taking fish oil has done wonders for my mood and ability to fight depression. The Omega 3 content in fish oil pills is one of the best of all sources, and one of the most bioavailable sources. Omega 3 fatty acids have been proven to fight depression naturally. Fish oil is a wonderful source of these fats. I remember hearing this from Dr. Oz, and as crazy as it sounds, it worked for me, along with everything else I was doing included in this article. At the time, I didn’t like eating fish, but I was willing to take 4 fish oil capsules per day. Fish oil has been linked to diabetes prevention and heart disease prevention, but I found it worked extremely well for my depression by lifting my mood, and even improving my metabolism, which was terribly low from disordered eating. If you’re considering trying fish oil, which is also great for your skin by the way, then be sure to buy a nontoxic formula to avoid mercury exposure, such as Sundown Naturals brand. If you’re vegan, consider a plant-based Omega supplement, or try flax oil or hemp oil instead. Flaxseeds, chia seeds and hemp seeds are also wonderful foods to add to your diet for the same reasons. I eat all of these every single day.
5. DITCH THE SUGAR AND REFINED CARBS

I used to be so addicted to sugar, I might as well have been a spokesperson for Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies and Baskin Robbins ice cream. I couldn’t get enough of the sweet stuff, or the processed carbs. I had no idea what I was doing to my body or my brain by eating these foods. Sugar and refined carbohydrates are not only terrible for depression because they alter your mood and hormones, but they are also terrible for your weight and skin. My acne was out of control, as was my metabolism, and my mood was everywhere all the time. Once I took out the sugar and I started exercising, I noticed I felt like a new person. I had never felt so energized, and my mood had never felt so stable. I stopped craving junk food and started craving healthy foods like veggies, fruit and protein. It was a very strange feeling for someone who previously wouldn’t touch anything green. I finally felt like a whole person again and I haven’t looked back sense. Now when I want something sweet, I enjoy a little piece of dark chocolate or a fruit and nut bar like a Larabar to cure my sweet tooth. Ditch the sugar and refined carbs. Your body and mind will thank you for it!
6. CONSIDER 5HTP

If you’re new to what 5HTP is, then let me introduce you to a natural supplement that has done wonders for me. 5HTP is a chemical in the human body that naturally elevates your serotonin levels, much like antidepressants do. However, our natural levels of 5HTP can be depleted through anxiety, the foods we choose, or simply that our bodies don’t manufacture enough to help us beat depression. This is where taking a supplement has helped me. Natural brands that make 5HTP supplements such as NOW and Natrol are completely safe, and even can help you sleep better, which is always hard to do when you are depressed. I find that 5HTP is much cheaper online at sources like iHerb or Vitacost instead of in stores. I take one capsule in the morning with my breakfast everyday, and it has made a huge difference in my entire day, energy levels, and comes with no negative side effects. I noticed the changes in small ways, such as things didn’t bother me as much as normal, and my mood was just generally better. If you’re concerned with taking 5HTP, then be sure to research it before implementing it to make sure you are comfortable with it. I found out about this supplement through Doctor Julia Ross, who wrote The Mood Cure book, which even helped me overcome issues with disordered eating as well.
7. DON’T ISOLATE YOURSELF

This was one of the hardest things for me to learn how to do. I wanted nothing more than to be by myself when I was depressed. I learned quickly that I wasn’t getting anywhere by doing this for very long. Being by myself only made me feel more depressed about the state I was in at this point of my life. I had three people who made a huge difference in my life during this time, and without them, I wouldn’t have been able to make it through my depression. I have my mother and two co-workers to thank for getting me through the worst times of my life. Even if you don’t realize it at the time, just spending time with someone can help you feel better about life and your personal situation. Someone else may be able to give you insight that you may not have thought of before too. Don’t fight depression alone. Life is too short!

Depression is a very serious health condition that you should take action upon immediately. If you notice depression continuously lingering or lasting more than two weeks, please consider some of these natural options and also consider talking to a trusted physician about your depression. Have you ever struggled with depression or overcome it naturally on your own?

Sources: mayoclinic.com, moodcure.com

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