All For One, None For All


Gosh, to think of all the positive blog stories that I’ve posted. That’s how I met most of you. Through my perseverance and positivity. But lately, I’ve had lots of “downers” & I apologize. I do apologize …but not before another “not so upbeat” post. So remember how I was trying to be there for my dad? He recently was inpatient at hospital & he had to have the “Rapid response” revive him twice at age 88. I went even though I was told by him & my brothers, not to come. Well then, I was given times that I was supposed to go because that would help everyone else. Because I’m a high impact pain patient, I’m up at night. That doesn’t mean I’m out at night doing stuff. That means, I’m at home in my PJ’s unable to sleep due to pain issues. But the entire 12 days before my major surgery, I spent with my dad and going when I was told to go and even when I wasn’t.

When he got put on dialysis, Craig & I showed up. I was told by my brother that it would be “all day or at minimum 4 hours so we couldn’t see him” (& supposedly they couldn’t see him either). So I called their bluff & said “well we will just wait. We can wait 4 hours here with you!” Ahhh but then he says 5 minutes later “we can go in after the dialysis nurse gets things started actually in about 1/2 hour”. Hmmmmmm??? A far cry from 4 hours or more. We stayed & said nothing. I even went to see my dad the night prior to the day before my surgery.

I was texted the day before my major surgery, by my brother who asked if I was coming up in the evening (to relieve him, I’m sure bcz he was leaving)… or “when was I coming?” That day I said I couldn’t come because I had to do some stuff for myself before the surgery. I’ve not heard from anyone since then.

I’ve texted my dad daily. But not once has it been about me. Never has been…never will be. But my brother called Craig once & said he was on his way to see my dad… told Craig about my dad & asked about my surgery for a moment in the end.

(Side story:**My dad told me that my middle brother (who I don’t see, for many good reasons & haven’t for almost 17 years)told him that he “doesn’t & hasn’t prayed for me for all of these years but he will pray for my surgery “for my dads sake”… WTH?? He pretends to be a priest! He buys all of the stuff online & even bought a certificate that says he’s a “bishop”… he has a fake chapel that when you go to Google Earth, it sends you to his house!! If you go to his website you see that people send him money as “donating to his church”! There aren’t even any real services held. One lady online wrote on his website, “me thinks he’s a fake”! Well me thinks so too! I stay far away from him and I have always and since I took several PPO’s out against him. (The Domestic Violence Shelter helped me!)

My dad is at cardiac rehab now & he’s actually getting better. But it really hurts that my family has not cared about me & they continue to say “we’re always here for you!” My dad continues this fairy tale “that if ever I needed any of them, they’d be there for me “even with our differences”!

Well, I’ll tell you…. they’ve not been there & haven’t been since I was a child. Once when I called my big brother, after I was in a catastrophic car accident. I suffered a TBI & his phone number was the only one in my head. I even hit myself in the face by accident with the telephone, in trying to call him because I felt in pain & afraid. He answered the phone with “Oh…you need someone ?…”. CLICK & the phone went dead! He hung up on me! I suffered 3 years of brain injury rehab. I’ve gone through 10 surgeries now! They tried to turn my daughters against me when they were teenagers also! They were not ever, nor have they been there for me at all! They’ve only tried to hurt me more & “kick me when I was down”. Luckily, the love, protection and bond that my daughters, my husband and I had/have, pulled us through! We are as close or closer than ever! They are older now, with families of their own. They look back & now understand & see what truly happened. Having children of their own, they can’t fathom what happened to me! They don’t really see or talk to any of my biological family. But when my dad was dying, I got them to come & to make a FaceTime call.

Now that my Dads in cardiac rehab, he /they are back to their same horrible treatment of me. They’d still throw me face down in a mud puddle, in the middle of a busy street during rush hour; if it would give them my daughters and grandchildren.

Another thing that I can’t fathom is the way my dad & brothers have treated my dads girlfriend/live in partner of 12 years. She treated me absolutely abhorrently when I introduced myself to her the first time, years ago. Again, another “victim” who only knew one side of their story.

But guess who was nice to her? Guess who was concerned about her feelings when my dad & brothers refused her entrance to see my dad while he was inpatient & dying. She texted me until the wee hours of the mornings. I was kind to her & told her she should go visit him anyways. She is my dads “creature” too, unfortunately. She stayed away & barely got any information from my brother. She asked me to help her to get a pill reminder because my dad did all of that for her. He infantilized her as he’s tried to do to me. I cared about her & promised her that no matter what happened; Craig & I would visit her & try to be there for her as much as possible. Guess who I never heard from before or after my recent major surgery?? I’ve not heard from any of them! I’ve sent texts for 3 days in a row & never have received a response from my dad. Yet my daughter texted him while she was visiting us with our granddaughters yesterday. He texted her back right away & asked if he could call her? She said she was at my house & he could call anytime.

I had to fight in order to be included as one of my fathers 3 adult children. They said I was “too frail & too weak to come visit because I might cry & hence, make my dad cry”! Oh My Gosh! I’m stronger than any of them put together! I’ve been through a hundred times more pain and abuse than any of them! I told them they were not going to shut me out again, like they did when my mom died. I am strong! I told my dad that he has 3 children, not 2! My oldest brother pretty much gave up a life of his own in order to be “the honored one”. He does everything for my dad and we’ve been shut out for years.

Only when my dad thought he was dying did he say nice things to me. He told me (after I put my foot down & insisted that I was visiting him in the hospital) that “it was a treasure to have me there every day”! He said I was a “dear, dear, sweet person & he loved me”! I cried & couldn’t believe those words were said to me.

I’m 10 days post-op and I’ve barely been out of our home. I cannot visit him right now. But as I’ve said, I texted 3 days in a row with zero response. The 1st day I did get a quick response when I tried to tell my dad (who was discharged & on his way to cardiac rehab) that my surgery was over & it hurts quite a lot. I sent a couple of pictures. But the response I got was unfathomable. He told me “it looked like a nice, neat job” (*pictures above & below)! Even though I actually looked like I’d gotten beat up or walked through a war zone! He then told me about his bathroom issue of the day.

None of them called or have cared about me at all! My older brother called Craig once after surgery & that was because my dad wanted to know if I made it or not, I guess? Then he told Craig about my dad (as I was being put into the recovery room).

I’ve had 2 pacemakers placed and 8 other surgeries in the past 17 years. I live with systemic RSD/CRPS. They don’t even know what that is & never have cared to ask or see any of my special needs. But my dad got a pacemaker 6-7 months ago at age 88. They made such a huge deal about it! I tried to explain that I’m on my 2nd one and got my 1st at age 40! I told them that “it’s not so bad”! They were indignant & furious that I didn’t see that him getting a pacemaker was the end of the world as we know it!! I never got one ounce of empathy, love or even a phone call after any of my surgeries nor either of my pacemaker surgery’s.

It’s a horrible rollercoaster. I stop seeing & talking to them for months at a time. Then I get phone calls asking me why I’m not calling my father? I’m so tired of being treated like the scum under the sink! My dads managed to turn all but 1 or 2 of my cousins against me & all of my aunts & Uncles. The one Aunt who never judged me and somehow saw through the charade, died a year or so ago. I have a couple of cousins who know, saw & understand the truth. One of the 3, passed away last week.

I had a favorite aunt once, she used to put food into my pockets when I’d leave after visiting her house as a kid. She has stuck by my dad & his stories. I asked my dad earlier this year if he’d told that particular Aunt, that we we’d been meeting for dinner the past few years and had been chatting etc? He told me “she doesn’t care about you she has no use for you!

I dared to speak the “family secrets”. I dared to get help and be a real & separate person. To make a healthier & better life for my husband, my daughters & myself. It’s been hell and I’ve tried to keep kindness, hope & empathy in my heart; & God in my soul.

So all in all, I almost lost my dad this month. Regardless of how I’ve been treated, he’s still my dad & we only have one dad. I also underwent a major & very painful surgery 10 days ago. A tumor was removed from my middle ear. The surgeon drilled into my skull and mastoid bone. Ten days later, I’m still suffering with a lot of pain & fatigue. Once again, I feel totally ostracized & uncared about by my biological family. There’s only one person whose been by my side for the past 23 years & that person is my husband & soul-mate, Craig. We’ve been by each other’s side through so much and I thank God for him every day.

Inhumane Treatment Of Pain Patients In USA


I opened up My friends blog today (“Pharmacist Steve”). It is Steve Ariens Blog; and I saw a story of torture. There is torture going on in America! I’m seeing it every day now on the Internet! More & more chronic pain patients are being treated like common criminals! This is despicable! My God, are we living in North Korea, Afghanistan or in some 3rd world country (whos people , by the way; don’t deserve this kind of treatment any more than we don’t!!)?

How can the news media @Foxnews.com, @CNN, @MSNBC and all of the rest, be so one sided? Please, I implore you @POTUS, @GovChristie @PetersforMichigan (Senator Gary Peters), @NYGovCuomo (Governor Andrew Cuomo), @onetoughnerd (Governor Rick Snyder of MI). I implore you to think of the forgotten legitimate chronic pain patients. People are now living with daily chronic pain and receiving no treatment at all. They being totally forgotten & considered collateral damage of this “fake war on drugs” ! It’s a war against the chronic pain community; because they’re the ones who are dying. The pain community is stuck with zero semblance of a life as all of this is crashing down around them/us! The posted video is not just sad, it’s torturous to listen to. It’s terrible to watch. But it’s true and it’s happening all over the United States Of America! This is a story about a young mother, wife and daughter; who’s going through sheer bloody hell in Albany New York Trauma Center!

“Amy” Amy’s story of Human Torture in a NY hospital! is a young woman who just went through a painful stomach surgery and her stomach ruptured as well! The contents are therefore spreading throughout her body inside and this causes not only sepsis, but horrible excruciating pain! My husband went through it years ago, but they gave him a Morphine pump while in the hospital for several days following surgery. He was given pain relief, as any HUMAN BEING or any living, breathing animal should have!!

This is torturous and despicable treatment of anyone in a hospital, or any patient care facility; let alone, following a stomach surgery! How can the Albany Medical Center in Albany, New York, allow their patient to be treated in such an inhumane manner??? The behavior of the nurses who pledge also, to “care for the sick” and to “do no harm”; is unforgivable! This sort of treatment to other human beings deserves termination. Those so called patient care employees need to be fired and they should never be allowed to not care for another patient! This woman, who has a name, a face, a husband & a family; is living through hell!

You know what though? This is entirely preventable! She is not a prisoner of War! This is a young woman who’d much prefer to have a “normal” life! This young woman has a name, and that name is “AMY”! She has a young child and a husband. I’m guessing that her husband had to leave her to go home and take care of their little one! He had to do that and he thought he’d left his wife in the care of a reputable hospital facility!! Obviously, he was mistaken and that’s really sad!

What if Amy was unable to show us this video? What if she was incapacitated and couldn’t tell anyone what’s happening to her? Please share this video and Amy’s story. Write to your legislators and put a name and a face to all of our stories. Nothing can change if we cannot be brave and do something to help ourselves and to help Amy!

Our government leaders, the news media agencies and society need to as many faces and hear as many stories as possible about us! The chronic pain community being left behind and treated as though we are just collateral damage in the war on drugs! This has taken a turn for the worse. It’s gone from a “war” against illicit drugs to a war against the legitimate chronic pain patients. We will lose & continue to lose if not for people being brave like “Amy”.

Please speak out and tell everyone your story and the stories like this one! Get the word out about how chronic pain patients are not drug addicts. We are not addicted at all! Ask them if they can remember a time when they had lived through their worst pain imaginable? Then ask them to think about that pain never ceasing! Tell them this is what it’s like for us, for you!

Please pass this story around. Know that I received Amy’s video & story from Pharmacist Steve Arians Blog, at: PharmacistSteve.com….. It is posted in several places on Facebook. He asked if we could “please make this video go viral”?

Thank you for your help! Please…. let’s all help Amy & all of the other “Amy’s”! Thank you Steve Ariens too!

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Walking Wounded, the song


Walking Wounded, the song.

 

I just wanted to say “thank you” for the writer of this song and her blog “Secret Angel”…thank you for allowing me to post this on my blog to help others. I am a sign language interpreter, but am disabled now. I became hearing impaired myself through “too many hits to my head, concussions and then a man ran a red light and I was unconscious and that was the last straw “…my brain suffered a TBI and I was in TBI rehab for 3 1/2 years. So I forget things, I get overly emotional and I sometimes have a hard time organizing thoughts and finding things…But I still love ASL (American Sign Language) as you can tell by my few performed songs in my own blog here. I did “Katy Perry’s – “ROAR”  and then I recently did A Great Big World w/Christina Aguillera song called “Say Something”…I would love to perform your song…

You ‘N Me And A Cuppa Tea


You ‘N Me And A Cuppa Tea.

This is my “other” blog….about the life of an “empty Nester”…..and a long life of Abuse and bad experiences; but how those things will NOT stop me from Loving, Living & Hoping! This blog is a “Private” blog now, out of respect for my family. But if you wish to read it, please contact me and I can add you to the “private blog readers list”.  Thank you…

Things My Momma Said…..


Hello Luvs
  I have another story for you…these are not going to be in any particular order..just the “order of the day”; or whatever I feel like writing about on any certain day but always about how the past and what has happened, has changed me for the better and who I am today. I was thinking tonight about my mom this past weekend. My mom was not the “Lovey dovey” type of personality. She would move her face away from me and make a sideways sort of contorted facial expression whenever I tried to give her a hug or kiss.
  I was just thinking about a “list” that I had made for my “book”, while I was writing it. I have a list of many things that my mother and/or my father and/or my brother’s have said to me while I was growing up in the same household with them. I would like to share that list here, because I guess I just want people to know what kinds of things I grew up hearing and how I did NOT let these things change the kind of Mother I wanted to be. I was still a kind, gentle, “lovey dovey” kind of “mommy” that I had always wanted to be!. I have tried really hard to not do or say any of the negative or Psychologically damaging things to my girls that were done or said to me growing up. Here are some of the things that I remember, that were said to me:
  1) my name is “Suzanne” and I was called “Stupzanne” when mom, dad or brother(s) felt like calling me that instead of my real name.
  2) when I was lying on the floor watching TV,my mom said that my rear end looked like “Mount Vesuvious” (the largest mountain meaning my backside was “fat” and “large”)
  3)  When calling me to come for some reason, my mom or dad or brother’s would call me like one would call a “Pig” and they’d say “SOOEY” instead of “Suzanne” or “Suzy”.
  4)  My older middle brother got away with saying many degrading remarks about my private parts while growing up. He said that I should “just use band aids because I didn’t need a bra” (I was only in 7th grade!). 
  5) My mother told me that she “wishes I would have died instead of my baby sister, Lisa Marie (who was stillborn at 8 mos)”
  6) My mother said that my baby sister, Lisa, who was stillborn, would have “been prettier than me, smarter than me and she’d have given me a run for my money with the boys”….she “would’ve been a nurse and not done “stupid sign language” too!
  7) My mom told my middle older brother that it was “his fault that she was sick, with a blood disease. Because she got Peritonitis or blood poisoning when he was born and she needed a blood transfusion. She was supposedly given “bad blood” and she was then sick for the rest of her life. She always blamed my middle older brother and always told him it was “his fault she was sick”.
  8) I had to get weighed every Saturday as I was growing up. If I gained weight, I was punished and if I lost weight, I would get some kind of “prize”. As I got older and didn’t like doing it..my father would weigh me and they got my brothers helped “hold me down” because I didn’t like it!
  9) My dad’s work “GM” had a yearly annual Christmas party that I used to be very excited about going to. It was the highlight of my year and I got to see “Santa” come in on an airplane and attend this big holiday party. If I had a cold sore, I wasn’t allowed go because I wasn’t “perfect” looking. I would embarrass my dad and my parent’s wouldn’t allow me to go. Also, if they felt I was too overweight (which I never was nor have I ever been when living in their house, not ever!)…then I also had to either wear a long jacket type “blazer” to cover my “fat a–“, or I wasn’t allowed to go at all!
10)  when I went to a modeling agency audition at age 18 yrs; my dad went with me and he embarrassed me by telling the people that “she’ll lose 10 to 15 lbs before the day you need her”!! UGGHH…I was so embarrassed! I was only 120 lbs and 5ft 5 1/2 ” tall!
11) when I asked my dad “why do you want me to be so perfect, skinny etc?” He told me that “you were born perfect and your mother and I just want you to stay that way”!
12)  When my husband now of 15 years, first met my middle older brother for the very first time…I had warned him that my brother was “really odd, weird, strange and you never know what would come out of his mouth” (later he was diagnosed with Bi–polar disorder and given Lithium, but it made him gain weight and my mom called him names and called him “Buddha” so he stopped taking it)…but my brother, when first meeting my husband for the very first time, shook his hand and said “doesn’t my sister have nice brea–s?” He was shocked and I was so upset…I ran into my parents house and *(my brother was outside their home washing his car over there because he lived in an apartment) I told my mother what my brother had just said to my then “boyfriend” and she just told me that I “wear my feelings on my sleeves” and that I “take things too seriously” and that “Da–d is just being funny and he didn’t mean anything”! They always stuck up for the brothers over me! 
13)  My parents thought I was looking quite “fat” in my pretty angora type cowel neck sweater one night while I was waiting to go out on a date and I still lived at their home. I was about 20 years old or possibly 19 yrs old. My mom took a Polaroid picture of me and my dad got out the camera and may have even snapped the picture but under “orders” from my mom. Then my mom used a Yellow Permanent Marker and wrote “FATSO” on the bottom of the picture and put that photo up on their refrigerator! THAT exact picture was still in our family photo album in 2002, the year that she died from colon cancer. I saw it as I looked through mom’s photo albums. I wanted it and tried to take it but she wouldn’t let me have it! 
24 )  I had my forearms held so tightly just weeks before I got married and was still living at home at age 20. My dad held them so tightly because he was angry with me for stating emphatically that I was “going to eat a large pizza on their front lawn as soon as I got married..because I wasn’t allowed to eat pizza at home. I fought with my dad and was bruised badly on my forearms while fighting him because of what I said about eating pizza.
25)  At age 16, I was 5 feet 5 1/2 inches tall and 128 pounds! I was very athletic being a cheerleader and doing aerobics etc.. my parents sat me down and told me they were going to pay for me to go to “Elaine Powers Figure Salon, because I was too fat and If I couldn’t wear a size 5 anymore, I wasn’t getting anymore clothes from them”. *they took things away as I gained weight and gave things to me as I lost weight…everything was “conditional” on weight loss.*
26)..my mom told me that McDonald’s “Happy Meals” was made from “Horse meat” so we never ate there until I was almost out of the house and then they laughed and said that they “made it up so I wouldn’t want to eat it and get fatter”! So then we ordered it to eat at home a couple of times but my parents would only allow me to get a “Happy meal” and my mom would then eat most of my french fries so I “wouldn’t get fatter”!
27) my mom told me that I was a “picky eater” and I was just a young girl and she said that I didnt like chocolate so I believed her. But then I found a box of “King-Dons” or as they were called back then “Ding Dong’s, chocolate cupcakes” in our refrigerator drawer on the bottom. I tasted one and I loved it! It was so yummy! I told my mom “yes, I do like these chocolate cupcake things”….she had hid them so I couldn’t find them and would just blindly believe her that I didn’t like them!!
28) Girls were not allowed to be “big” at all. Boys could be “big” but girls had to be “small”. I always wanted a whole sandwich for lunch to take to school. But my mom would always only allow me to have 1/2 sandwich. Because I was a “girl”, I was only allowed 1/2 of a sandwich.
**When I was given food at a birthday party or some kind of event as a child; I had to come home and be “cleansed”. I was put in the middle of the dining room floor on a wooden child’s rocker. A shower curtain was put down on the floor underneath me and all around the floor near my chair.  I was given a bucket to hold and then I was forced to take a couple tablespoon’s of “syrup of Ipecac” and then forced also to drink several glasses of water. Then I was forced to sit there until I violently vomited all of the food that was in my stomach. This was their way of keeping me from getting “fat”!!
29) There’s more….wait……When I was 13 years old, I had come home from school. I was in the 8th grade. I asked my mom if I could go ice skating with a couple of friends. She said “no” and I felt like there was no good reason or explanation or anything. Yes, I admit that though I was a “good girl”, I could be a bit on the sassy side. I told her that I was “going to call my father and ask him”..even though he was at work! She grabbed the phone out of my hand and hit me down hard on my left elbow. I screamed in pain and tried to run away to my room. She ran after me punching me in the temples, the head, face etc.  I had a split lip and was bleeding, crouched down behind my bedroom door; with my hands trying to cover my face while she was punching me with her knuckles. I could hear my oldest brother yelling to me “cover your temples!” Mom was yelling for the boys to “lock the doors”, so I could not get out of the house to “tell” anyone. I finally got out because my oldest older brother unlocked the doors and I ran to the lady across the street’s home; where I used to babysit. She let me call my father at work. My father came home and took me to the hospital. On the way to the emergency room, my dad said “your mom’s sick and it’s not her fault. You must tell the hospital ER that you fell down the stairs! If you tell then she could go to jail and she’s sick and she’d never make it. Our family would be split up and you could be sent to foster care and be split up from us and you could get raped or anything!!!
    Inside myself, I was seething and hurting and angry. Oh how I wanted to tell on her for hurting me! I wanted the Dr’s and nurses to ask me “what happened?” Nobody ever asked me what happened. I came home with a “hairline fracture to my left elbow”; to my mother being angry with ME!???? My dad said for me to just go straight to my brother’s room and lay down on my oldest brothers bed and he’d get me some ice for my elbow. I had a sling on my elbow and my mother never said she was sorry!
      UNTIL…..later on….when my daughters were probably about 10 yrs and 12  1/2 yrs old; we were sitting at my mom and dads’ kitchen table. My mom said “I know your mom tells everyone that I “broke her elbow”, but she was a “sassy teenager and she deserved it”!! She did say she “didn’t mean to BREAK it”…but still??? It’s just not right!
30)  One last thing for today, that I remember is when I was 16 yrs. old and I wanted to talk with my friends on the telephone. My mother was sick, depressed and in bed most of the time. She was in a darkened room, said she “hated people, hated everyone and wanted to kill the person who invented getting up in the morning!” I was being  very quiet trying to unplug the phone in their room and plug it into my own room to talk with my friends. I must have made too much noise, even though I know in my heart I was trying to be super quiet! She yelled at me and said “get out of my f–king bedroom or I’m gonna blow your fu–ing head off”!!! I couldn’t believe she said these things to me, her own daughter! That wasn’t the first or only time she said she was going to “kill me”.  She’s pulled my dad’s gun out on me and my older middle brother a few times. We even ran down the street and hung out until my father got home!
31) When my older middle brother was accused and charged with “molesting his then 3 yr old daughter”, my mother said that his little sweet 3 yr old girl was “the devil’s child”. She also said that “if she puts my son in jail during the trial, I will put a bullet through her head and her mother’s head…and a few other people too!
    These are just a few of the things I was told and a few of the memories that I have inside that want to come out. I was told by the people at SSDI  AND by my Psychologist, that I am the “worst case of childhood abuse/trauma, they’d seen in the past 35 yrs!” This is why I suffer from PTSD, the Dr’s have told me. It’s also why I do have some “fear” of foods and why I have CKDII….and have a disdain for water and will not drink it.
     I want you to know that I’ve forgiven my mother. She passed away on December 22, 2002; 3 months after our car accident and all of my injuries, pain and surgeries. She called for me to come to the hospital and she said “I love you infinity”. I told her that it was OK and that I loved her too. I went every day that she was in the hospital for those last 10 days of her life. I sang in her ear “You’ll be in my heart”. I told her that “it was OK and I forgave her and loved her”. She could only move her feet by then, but I knew that she loved me the best way she knew how and the best she could.  I think that this is more than enough for today!